Depression Understood Forums

Hello everybody,

I couldn't think of a better subject line, sorry about the dramatic touch. It's the best way to describe where I stand.

I'm 30, married, two lovely daughters. There's more than enough going on in my life to keep myself occupied, but over the last years I find I've slipped into a semi-comatose state, I function, but I have lost the ability to enjoy myself, to get anything out of the things I have and do. I'm completely paralyzed, every last bit of motivation and creativity sucked out of me. I find aspects that actually terrorize me with anything I look at. Going abroad terrorizes me as much as dropping my kids off at kindergarten does; I'm permanently afraid something bad might happen to them, or to me, and that I'd leave them behind without enough support.

I have massive issues with my past, and along with it with my parents and the people I grew up with. Going into detail would take ages and bore everyone to death, but let's just say I have been, am and will be ignored to the point of losing myself. I'm at a point where I can't even write a journal anymore because I'm beginning to think I'm just a wimp myself now.

Also, I don't have help, and little chance to find any. I'm hoping to find something here. Can't say yet what exactly, but something. A lead, a hint, a push in the right direction, somebody to listen--- We'll see.

N.

Hi, my name is Joanne. I can relate to so much you said that it felt like my own life. I am 41 and I have many scars from my past that I can't seem to let go or forgive myself for. I did manage to hide them for a long time but it is impossible and nobody understands.

My daughter and grandson live with me and my suffering just goes to my daughter because she just doesn't know what to do for me. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for many years but I was able to manage, I went from job to job and I finally found my dream job, I moved and sold my house for this job but a few months after being there I had to take a short term leave and when I did return to work, they replaced me. My whole life fell apart and for the last year and a half I have been stuck, paralyzed, like I have nothing or nobody.

My parents don't associate much with me and that hurts. I am also a person with a disability and live with chronic pain each and every day. There are money issues, can't pay bills, make sure we have enough groceries, especially for the baby. I won't eat, just so I am sure there is always enough. I constantly worry about what my condition is doing to my daughter and my oldest son. I have seriously considered just taking my life but what holds me back from that is my children and grandson. Well, I have gone on for a long time here, I just hope these forums can offer me some support and just someone to relate to how I am feeling and not people telling me "this too shall pass" or "Just pick yourself up and dust off and move on" Easy for them to say when they have not walked in my shoes. There is a history of depression and suicide on my dad's side of the family, this scares me because I feel too close sometimes. Thanks for listening!!