Depression Understood Forums

I've read some of the other new member introductions before posting and am a little comforted to read others going through similar struggles to me. I'm a 31 year old married male who has a good life to the untrained eye.

I've always been depressed or have felt like nobody has liked me. Those feelings usually caused me to "act out" and put on an act in some way, from dropping out of high school in my teenage years to trying to cut corners and tried to do things to get my "15 minutes" in my twenties. Basically, I've been nothing but an attention whore for the majority of my adult life, until I realized it. I'd quit jobs because I thought I was going to be something better than 9-5. It was only until a few years ago that I calmed down my actions and started to pick up the pieces. It was too late. I made an ass out of myself on the Internet and even on TV and the local news, it's been hard finding a new job. I'd say things just to say them and not even believe them, knowing that I'd get some kind of small but actual publicity. I'm in no way famous or well-known but I'm very Googleable and that sucks when you're trying to find work. I've been unemployed for two years. You'd think I had some long criminal record but I've never even received a speeding ticket in my life. I made an ass out of myself publicly and am paying the price, hence the anonymity here. I feel like people tell me to "let go of the past" but others don't and there are people who I upset like 15 years ago that still harassed me on the Internet until I completely deleted Twitter & facebook.

I don't have a friend I can call and hang out with, I don't keep friends very long. I have 0 friends from my childhood and like 1 friend from my "going to the bar and getting drunk as all hell" days that lives far away and we only talk about sports. I don't feel like I can open up to people except my wife and she's heard just about every story I've had to tell her. I feel like it's a vicious cycle, I feel like I'm running around in circles and I feel like I am not in control of what happens to me but others somehow are.

I don't just burn bridges, I blow them up while I'm still standing on them. I am lucky that my wife is, for some reason, the only person I haven't put on an act for. She loves me unconditionally and suggests I get professional help. I've attempted this thrice to no avail. I feel like the people I talk to are quick to "diagnose" me and don't get me. Plus, I feel like my wife knows what I"m going through and she doesn't. She's successful, people like her, she's beautiful, she's had all the advantages. Yes, she's faced adversity and troubling times but her adversity and troubling times were the breaks, not some kind of trouble she brought on to herself. I feel like most things that are bad that happen to me in my adult life are because of stupid things I did. Sometimes it's karma and sometimes it's just a direct result of me acting stupid. I feel like everyone else can reclaim the past and move on but I'm held to a different standard, for whatever reason.

I have a large family but that's also one of my problems. I don't know if this happens to anyone else that has experienced this but only recently - which freaks me out because I'm 31 - I came to realize and remember that I was both physically (and once sexually) abused as a child, into my early teens. I'm not one of those people who is blaming my actions on those things, but they do make me sad and for some reason, I have more flashbacks to my youth and teens than ever. Especially since I covered up those memories for years.

I drank a LOT in my 20's too. Again, not blaming it on the alcohol but my binge drinking feueled a lot of my idiotic decisions. I now have an alcoholic drink once a month and it puts me to sleep so I'm past that part.

I know I need professional help, but it's hard when you're not working. You don't want to schedule a doctor's appointment and then cancel it for a job interview. My wife is doing all she can and she understands my plight but I feel like, deep down she's going to resent me and leave me some day.

I am sorry for the long rant but I've never really poured this kind of stuff out before. I hope you all don't look down on me or think I'm a space cadet. I'm just hoping that there are others who know the world isn't against them but have that "me vs the world" feeling and mentality every single day.

Hi ServoKeen. Glad you decided to post an introduction. Please feel free to use the chat room as well.

It can be hard overcoming your past. Wehn you have these interviews do you let them find out on their own if they don't know? Or do you tell them up front, hey I've done this, but I'm changing and I plan to keep this job for the forseeable future. Sometimes that can make a difference or inspire someone to give you a chance. Also you can try volunteer work. No its not the same as getting paid, but when you go back to your interviews you might be able to have a good recommendation which may go in your favor.

This site is a good place to make friends. I know its not the same as meeting someone in person, but there truly are a lot of caring people on here, that will stand beside you. So many others knows how it feels when people walk away, or to not have friends that they treasure their friendships they find here.

I'm sorry about the abuse you went through. Counseling can help with these memories. Also when you have the flashbacks writing down how things are different now from then can help. Whether its about the abuse, and writing down what you can do to protect yourself. Or if its something you did, that you wouldn't do now and what you would do instead. It can be helpful and make you feel more in control.

I went through abuse as well. Some memories I have of it, and some I've repressed and occiasionally I'll remember more. One of the counselors said if I was ready enough or felt safe enough I'd probably remember. I'm not sure if that's your case, or if it helps, but you might be able to look at it as progress to start dealing with these things in a healthy manner.

I know your reluctance to make an appointment when you are concerned about job interviews but making an appointment and going to it can help you with the stress of the interviews and what comes afterwards.

holly

Thanks for the reply.

I don't normally directly bring things up. I'm not proud of things and they really aren't things that assist a resume except lending to my creativity. What either happens is: once, I got hired, then a co-worker Googled me and it started trouble but mostly, on a follow-up call the employer will blatantly say what triggered them not hiring me (which in this case isn't illegal to do) or just say they found some negative things in a social networking search. Without giving too much information out, I was basically being paid monthly by a special interest group to say racist and homophobic things on a blog. I've had a lot of things deleted but a lot of things were re-posted elsewhere. EDIT: Before that, I did some other public things to draw attention to myself that are still out there all over the Internet.

These days, companies now scrutinize you if you DON'T have facebook or Twitter. I don't have either cause I don't like them, can't keep up with them and it's far too easy to say something you regret and send it out and even if you delete it a second later, someone will see it. So, I started going by my middle name but that only buys me time: I have to put my full first name on background checks.

I just started having memories about the abuse. It came out of conversations I had with my wife when we would talk about when we were growing up. Too often her responses to things like me getting beaten severely with a belt for getting a C- on a spelling test were met with her response of "That isn't right." I don't know why, at night when I'm trying to sleep, I always have flashbacks to embarassing moments. Sometimes they're from when I was 25, sometimes they're from when I was 12.

I also am hesitant about an appointment because I don't know where to start. Sometimes I think being antisocial isn't a sign of depression. But sometimes, I worry about other traits I"m gaining. I don't watch the news any more. It annoys me the way society is going. I hate how we worship celebrities as a society but when us normal folks have the same problems, we're cast away. That hurts me though because often times I'll be misinformed or simple things will happen like I"ll miss the Metro because there was a detour reported on the news or Twitter. Once I was late for a job interview and it was because of a public transit delay I took over driving. The interviewer was confused because he said it was a major delay on all the news stations and that the Metro had a Twitter account I should follow. Ugh. I hate conforming to things everyone else does.

How I would even begin to describe all of my sordid issues to someone is amazing. They will probably say I'm paranoid.

EDIT: I also started taking St John's Wort. It helps, a little bit. I start to get wildly annoyed and irritable when I don't take it regularly, almost like I guess a cigarette smoker would when they don't have a cigarette every so often.

P.S. Why was (triggering material) added to the subject? I'm just curious.

Hi Again.

The triggering material was added because your post mentioned abuse. Not that you can't mention abuse it just kind of gives the chatters a heads up before they read it, if that makes sense. Many of the people here also struggle with abuse. We try to do things like that to keep this a safe enviroment for everyone.

We also try not to go into specific details of abuse. As it can sometimes bring up other's bad memories. If you look around the forum you'll see some posts labeled in a similar fashion.

As far as not knowing where to start, you start like you did here. Whereever you feel comfortable, or sometimes just by answering questions the doctor asks the doctor can help you figure out where to start. To be honest reaching out here is a good start. If you think you might have troubles talking at an appointment making a list of your concerns to take with you might help. And depression can cause a person to be antisocial but it could be othe things too.

Glad the st johns wort is helping a little but you really should see a doctor about it if you are noticing how you feel after a missed dose. Or really before trying anything over the counter.

I can understand how easy it is to post things a person shouldn't on facebook. And I can understand why you wouldn't wish to open another, but if its impacting your ability to get a job maybe try to open a new account so that the other stuff wont show up?

Sorry to be honest I don't know much about those sites. I use facebook for games, never tried the other site. And as far as jobs I haven't worked since 2008. I didnt even have a facebook account back then. And I pretty much refuse to watch the news. So not sure how much help I will be on that front, but will gladly listen.

holly

Can one be depressed on top of other problems, say ADD or something?

Yes they can be depressed and have other things wrong, like ADD or even something else, thats why a doctor should know whats going on to get the right diagnosis, so its treated correctly.

So, I had this conversation with my wife the other day about some of the "flashbacks" I've been having over the past year or so. They aren't vivid flashbacks likes you hear from people with traumatic experiences, they're more random memories. Sometimes they're things I totally remember happening, sometimes they're not and they're always random. I'll be putting away clothes and suddenly, a memory pops in my head of something stupid I said when I was 12. Or something idiotic I did at work when I was 25. I get a lot of them before I got to sleep. Let's say I get these twice a day. For every 15 I get, I'll get one that is a "new" memory - something that I either completely buried in my mind or didn't even remember happening until it originally happened.

Now, my wife has an interesting theory. You see, I have a very associative brain. It's just part of my creativity. X makes me think of Y which reminds me of a song by Z that I heard when I was hanging out with A. Because of that, my wife thinks that I'm having these random memories and they actually are trying to explain why I've done all the stupid things I"ve done. She also reminded me about how I recently remembered an abusive situation I never remembered before. There's also been this mystery about an injury I received when I was very young (like 2 or 3 years old). So, my wife thinks that all of these random memories are leading to me having one big memory about something very buried, very disturbing but also very explanatory just waiting to be unraveled.

Sorry about the rambling, but I just wonder if anyone else is going through this, especially if being troubled with their past aids in their depression?