Hi, I'm flygirl175

[flygirl175]

Hello, I'm new here. I guess I'm here because everything has just gotten to be too much lately for me. I lost my dad almost 2 years ago, and since then nothing has been right. I can't talk about it to anyone, especially my mom and sisters who all seem like they quickly adjusted to his loss and their grief phase has past nearly a year ago. I isolate myself from them and from most of my friends (those that remain anyway) so that they don't know how bad I am. I wil go a week without leaving the house if I'm off work, have no interest in visiting people or going out and doing anything, and I'm actually surprised I can still force myself to go to work.

After much research, I realize I have a pretty bad case of depression and prolonged grief and should seek professional help, but I can't seem to motivate myself to follow through. I don't know if I'm just afraid of actually confronting this pain until I have a handle on it or I don't want to be medicated again. I have been on SSRI's in the past and absolutely hated the way I felt. But I'm just stuck and I don't think I can get out of it by myself anymore.

I work with the public (I'm a flight attendant) and my coworkers and passengers would never know anything is wrong with me. I can shut down that part of my brain and put on my smiley public face for 4 days in a row. But when I get home I can't seem to do anything productive. I have the classic depression sign of sleeping way too much, and I usually stay up all night because I like the feeling that I'm the only one awake.

I live alone, and honestly the only time I have any contact with people is when I have to go to work or if I have to go to the store or laundromat (I try to do these things at night if at all possible too). I rent a small apt above my landlord and his wife and I know they think I'm strange-they ask me questions all the time about where I go late at night and what I do for days inside my apt. I usually lie and tell them I'm just a night owl and paint (I used to be an artist).

I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder a few years back and have found that I am very sensitive to noise and sounds which is ironic because I'm on a noisy jet all day (actually all night-I work red eyes) when I'm working and around people in the loud international airports.

I don't know what I'm looking to accomplish here, maybe just get some of this off my chest to people who understand since I have no one to talk to about it. Maybe it will give me the kick in the butt to actually do something about this before I actually turn into Miss Haversham, lol.

Thanks for reading

[Ste]

Hi Flygirl,

If you'd like to talk, send me a message. I'm always available to help people in need and you look like you could use somebody to listen.

Kind Regards

Ste

[stillwaters]

Hi flygirl175
I can relate to what you are experiencing on many levels. Lost my father will be 4 years ago this Christmas. had a 3 year fight with depression and was starting to lose in Sept but I am fighting back. I am taking meds and think that in my case I have to but have also had very good results with cognative behavior therapy as well.
Perhaps therapy alone could help you. If you dont want to go to Dr or councilor, try this book, Feeling Good by David D. Burns MD
If you have access to EAP through your work, call them. They will always listen and can also set you up with a therapist.
Grief is bad but dont let it drag you down further. Life has so much more to offer than wanting to avoid people and being forced to sneek around at night because of an illness.
I think your coming here was the first step you have been trying to make. Please make a phone call to your Dr or EAP now and get professional help. There are always people in the forums here and the chat rooms who will be happy to offer you support.
Good luck.

[balcony]

Hi flygirl175 and welcome to the forums. I admire your courage. My greatest fear in life is flying. I fly often, which is odd I guess but each flight is a terrifying ordeal for me. I think after 9/11 the fears became more acute. I have always taken great comfort from the Flight attendants..they talk with me, and make all the difference in how I deal with the flight.
You cannot underestimate the work and stress in your job. If you are working that hard to contain your grief and loss on top of keeping your aircraft safe and fulfilling all your duties, it is no wonder you are unable to do much when you are at home. Your inablity to act is understandable but unfortunately, it will eventually creep into your work. I hope you will be able to speak with someone and get some help with your grief. Losing a parent is second only to losing a child. I am so sorry. Pain has no timetable but it is possible to heal. Healing is best done not alone.

Take care and thank you for your work.

[swanwarbler]

Hi F'Girl

I understand it when you said how you are noise-sensitive. This speaks volumes.

From my experience, sensitivity to noise is an indication of very strong desire to devote ourselves entirely to something. Try, for instance, doing anything that demands sustained thinking and you will discover each little distraction very irritating, even if we manage to endure it with a smile.

Sometimes being distracted is a good thing also !

It may be your 'nerves' have become sensitized ...that, for whatever reason, you are now living everyday life under the strain of hyper-tense nerves.

You don't have to be the archetypal 'neurotic' who exhibits anxious traits ...in fact most people I have met who have been sensitized exhibit poise, articulation, even cheerfulness. That is how adept we are at coping !

But you need to accept you are, for whatever reason, in need of convalescance. And how ?

From my own experience, I would suggest any one of Claire Weeks' audio books or written books. She will explain better than I can just what is happening.

Also, it may be you need to change some aspect of your life you aren't happy with. Maybe you already know what aspect of your life is 'toxic' to your peace of mind ?

By the way, I used to fly a/c !!! Only light aircraft and, beleive me , if I had to put up with the arrogance of some pilots I once knew it would have driven me to despair

Good luck

Hope I help, Vince :):)