where to start?
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2012 2:25 am
don't really know where or how to start.
i'm not even sure if i'm depressed or just different. i stopped working about a year ago and that probably hasn't helped. most of this year was alright till the past few weeks when i've felt particularly aimless and useless. having difficulty occupying myself in the day alone at home. it's better when my husband gets home after work. today especially, i've been feeling anxious and fidgety all day, unable to get down to my chores, unable to focus.
it seems very lame but i chose not to work coz i could. my husband supports me. having done the same thing for the past ten years, i couldn't stand it anymore. i was not bad at it but it became very dreary and rather depressing to drag myself to work. it doesn't seem like there's anything else i am qualified to do or want to do. but not working is making me feel useless and i find it hard to justify. i keep it a secret from people whom i believe will not find it acceptable but that eats at me.
i try to think what i could do but i don't feel qualified to do anything. neither do i want to work. but sitting around with not enough to occupy myself and feeling worthless is driving me nuts.
two years ago, my best friend who has been clinically depressed most of her life, killed herself. it was as bad as you can imagine. the guilt, the pain, the relief was a storm. i think i'm coping fine with it now but sometimes i wonder where i'm headed when i'm feeling particularly down. life just seems so meaningless sometimes and i, so unmotivated. it feels sometimes that it might be possible to just fade away into nothingness.
i'm not even sure if i'm depressed or just different. i stopped working about a year ago and that probably hasn't helped. most of this year was alright till the past few weeks when i've felt particularly aimless and useless. having difficulty occupying myself in the day alone at home. it's better when my husband gets home after work. today especially, i've been feeling anxious and fidgety all day, unable to get down to my chores, unable to focus.
it seems very lame but i chose not to work coz i could. my husband supports me. having done the same thing for the past ten years, i couldn't stand it anymore. i was not bad at it but it became very dreary and rather depressing to drag myself to work. it doesn't seem like there's anything else i am qualified to do or want to do. but not working is making me feel useless and i find it hard to justify. i keep it a secret from people whom i believe will not find it acceptable but that eats at me.
i try to think what i could do but i don't feel qualified to do anything. neither do i want to work. but sitting around with not enough to occupy myself and feeling worthless is driving me nuts.
two years ago, my best friend who has been clinically depressed most of her life, killed herself. it was as bad as you can imagine. the guilt, the pain, the relief was a storm. i think i'm coping fine with it now but sometimes i wonder where i'm headed when i'm feeling particularly down. life just seems so meaningless sometimes and i, so unmotivated. it feels sometimes that it might be possible to just fade away into nothingness.