where to start?

[stasis]

don't really know where or how to start.
i'm not even sure if i'm depressed or just different. i stopped working about a year ago and that probably hasn't helped. most of this year was alright till the past few weeks when i've felt particularly aimless and useless. having difficulty occupying myself in the day alone at home. it's better when my husband gets home after work. today especially, i've been feeling anxious and fidgety all day, unable to get down to my chores, unable to focus.
it seems very lame but i chose not to work coz i could. my husband supports me. having done the same thing for the past ten years, i couldn't stand it anymore. i was not bad at it but it became very dreary and rather depressing to drag myself to work. it doesn't seem like there's anything else i am qualified to do or want to do. but not working is making me feel useless and i find it hard to justify. i keep it a secret from people whom i believe will not find it acceptable but that eats at me.
i try to think what i could do but i don't feel qualified to do anything. neither do i want to work. but sitting around with not enough to occupy myself and feeling worthless is driving me nuts.
two years ago, my best friend who has been clinically depressed most of her life, killed herself. it was as bad as you can imagine. the guilt, the pain, the relief was a storm. i think i'm coping fine with it now but sometimes i wonder where i'm headed when i'm feeling particularly down. life just seems so meaningless sometimes and i, so unmotivated. it feels sometimes that it might be possible to just fade away into nothingness.

[hollyann]

Hi Stasis. Welcome to the forum. For not knowing where to start you did a good job. We can't diagnos you here but it might be a good idea to talk to your doctor. It could be depression.

Have you thought about volunteering? They would help you and this way you could get some training and find out if its something you'd like to do while feeling better about yourself.

I'm sorry about your friend. Its hard to lose friend in any manner but to that it's incredibly hard. Sometimes it can have deep effect on us than we realize. Have you tried grief counseling? It could help you.

You are always welcome to share with us here. And in the chat roomroom.

hollyann