Hello

[Fai]

I don't know what to say...

Suicide attempt at the end of last year, five months in hospitals, got home in early June and at first everything went quite well actually... ate healthy food at regular times, went for a walk every day, stuff like that... And now I'm again pottering around in pajamas all day and ordering pizza.

It's just too difficult... some days I feel fine, then some little thing happens and I only feel that I need to die. This past week I spent about three days thinking about dying. Right now I feel a bit better, a bit ashamed and insufficient though, but I wouldn't be surprised if something happens again next week which makes me suicidal because that has happened for weeks now. And I don't know how long I can carry on like this. Too much of a rollercoaster.

I feel I'm just not suitable for this world...

And there's too many bad memories to live with. People say that memories fade over time, but they aren't fading quickly enough. Thinking that ok, that was back then, but that's not the way it is now doesn't help. And too many triggers around. Like, when I was in hospital they put lots of tubes to my neck and the scars still haven't faded, I see them every time I look in a mirror, and that reminds me of all that awful time in hospital, all the awful things they did to me.

And I met way too many odd people... I don't like the idea of living in the same world with people like that.

I don't know where my depression originally came from because there's nothing obvious. I've never been molested, never experienced physical violence, never had any problems at home when I was a kid, etc. But I'm completely messed up, I know I think in wrong ways, I know I disappoint my doctor (and myself) all the time because I can't control my benzo use like I should, there, there, there are too many things I do wrong, too many things wrong with the world, too much... too much...

OK, none of that probably made any sense right? But perhaps that's ok, right now it might be a bit too much to ask that I'd make sense all the time. Sorry for disturbing you and existing.

[Lucid]

Hi Fai,

You clearly describe the emotional instability of your depression: like being on a rollercoaster. Maybe I could offer a suggestion, based on my own experience.
When I am flooded with painful feelings arising from past regrets, guilt, anxiety etc. I find it helpful to 'ground' myself in the present. I find a focus for my attention, something which has strong meaning for me - to 'anchor'
myself and help me feel stronger. Depression can strip life of meaning and so it is crucial to your recovery to find a meaning.
You are not 'unsuitable' for this world. Every person has something to give:
a unique perspective, individual talents and capabilities. Please think on this.
Best wishes.