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stillwaters
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2012 1:26 pm

Glad to be here Sorry to be here

Postby stillwaters » Mon Sep 10, 2012 7:32 pm

Hello in there. On xmas day 2008 my father died. Feb 25/09 one of my best friends commit suicide. In May of 09 my wife had femoral arterial bypass surgury. Became infected and started 2 years of hell including 2 emergency surguries, near death exeriences, pools of blood, discovery of lumps on her thyroid and radiation treatment. In late 2010 I finaly realised I was waking at 3:00 a.m. every day and was turning into an insomniac zombie. My wife got better and something inside me broke. I was in the bottom of a dark well. Dr gave me lorazipan to sleep. Went to councilling and dignosed major depression & ptsd. Reluctantly went on pristiq but felt better in 30 days. Stayed on meds for 6 months and doc took me off Sept 2011. Had a relapse Feb 2012 and dove back into the pristic which took 21 days to kick in. Went into another major depression 2 weeks ago while still on pristiq. Doc doubled dose & last 5 days I am almost agoraphobic and cant work. Switched to Citalopram today and I am trying to get back in councilling. Not terrified right now but pretty scared. I think I know how my friend could kill himself now. Odds say 3rd relapse it becomes a lifelong adventure. Wife loves me but she, friends, family dont understand. I believe someone here will and I hope maybe I can help someone else. Dont want to be here but glad I am. Really wish none of us had to be here. Sorry about being longwinded but had to get it off my chest.

Monty
Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Mon Sep 10, 2012 7:48 pm

Hi,

Don't ever worry about being long-winded.

It is important to let other people know what is going on in your life.

I have always appreciated this site because I know that all of the messages are read.

stillwaters
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2012 1:26 pm

Postby stillwaters » Tue Sep 11, 2012 10:20 am

Thanks Monty Its good to know there is someone out there.

balcony
Posts: 1395
Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:46 pm
Contact:

Postby balcony » Sun Sep 23, 2012 9:36 am

Hi stilwaters, welcome to the forums. We have met in the chatroom before and I want to thank you for being such a kind and supportive chatter to others. I did not realize your own story. I am sure you miss your Father very much, a very sad thing to lose a parent. I am so happy to hear your wife recovered. That ordeal sounds awful and so stressful. Many times I think, people don't realize what someone else's illness does to the person caring for them. I am sure her ordeal was extremely traumatic and life changing for you and I am so sure that you feel guilt about that because afterall, she experienced the illness. All I can say, is I understand..and I hope you will return to counseling and keep moving forward with your life. ((((((Michael))))))

eddieneedshug
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2012 11:52 am

Eddie here

Postby eddieneedshug » Tue Oct 02, 2012 8:56 am

Hi;
I just want to say hi to everyone. I"m brand new and want to say thank you to Stillwaters. I understand your pain. I've been home from work for three weeks; depression started two plus years ago...I think....went on Cymbalta and doctor had to up the dosage three weeks ago but I'm still terrified of everything. Mostly my job. I have a wonderful place to work yet I am terrified of the responsibility of the position. I used to be an actor and made my living this way until four years ago when my wife told me that I had to make a decision to take a full-time job to help support our two boys and family. I took this job that fell out of the sky for me and was so grateful...but it has come to the point where I am scared, just plain scared. Nothing feels like it is worth going to this place and now it has tainted my entire world. I was put on a higher dosage of Cymbalta on Sept 11th...90 mg's and it does seem to be helping a little but not for the fear. I can't get up out of bed on SUndays into Tuesdays. I am an alcoholic in recovery and attend meetings regularly. That helps. I see a therapist today but again, I know it's a dead end. You see, I have to keep the job or we'll go into further debt. I don't want to hurt my family. But I am so lost. Feel as though I'm in stasis..waiting for something to happen. And I KNOW THAT ONLY I CAN make something happen.
Thank you for listening.
I really identify with all that I have read on this forum.

balcony
Posts: 1395
Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:46 pm
Contact:

Postby balcony » Tue Oct 02, 2012 10:10 am

HI eddieneedsahug...((((((eddieneedsahug)))))) Welcome to the forums.

I am sorry to read that you are experiencing such stress and unhappiness at work. I think you are doing the correct things by talking with your doctor and looking for support here. I hope the dosage adjustmant and therapy offer some relief soon. It is amazing that you were able to transition from the fine arts world into a different type of job. Very few actors are that fortunate which leads me to believe that you are a very talented and capable person. It seems to me that your ease into this transition makes other job possibilities a reality. Perhaps looking for something else that meets your financial needs but offers a greater hope of personal happiness might be the way to focus your efforts.

As a musician/actor/teacher/mother and homemaker I understand very well the creative spirit. I spent the first decade of my career doing various things that while lucrative and "important" brought no personal happiness or joy. It was only when I was able to combine my art with work that I found greater job satisfaction. I, however, did not battle depression, so, I know it was easier for me. I am sorry that on top of all the pressures you feel, you have to cope with depression as well.

I hope this place offers some comfort and support. Hugs again, L.

eddieneedshug
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Sep 30, 2012 11:52 am

to lisa

Postby eddieneedshug » Tue Oct 02, 2012 11:53 am

thank you lisa! i was afraid that i would tell my story and that someone out in cyberland would not in the least understand. so i will continue to test this forum and tell you my thoughts. thank you for your confidence in me! it helps to hear people tell me i am not crazy to think of leaving this job with the way things are in the world with unemployment and find something else that makes me at least face the day. i am so qualified as a worker, as i was as an actor. (i wish my ny times reviews would matter in the work force! :))
i will continue to work toward my goal...and to have a goal. right now the immediate goal is to work through leaving this position and to explain to my wife that it is necessary for me to move forward and not have suicidal thoughts over a job!
thank you again!
eddie

stars7
Posts: 10
Joined: Tue Oct 02, 2012 5:28 am

new person

Postby stars7 » Tue Oct 02, 2012 9:34 pm

Hello,

My name is Rebecca. I have just registered for this online depression forum and so far I can relate to all your troubles in your lives.

I'm not sure I can relate to everyone but, for the most part I am grateful that I have found a therapy that can work for me. I am just trying this out so please understand.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression for the first time I was in the hospital. I have been in therapy for about 6 mo. or more. I am getting better everyday. With a few little misteps but doing well.

I now have a problem socializing with people and making friends. I do not think my friend bill understands what I'm going through all that he could say was, "I'm sorry to hear that." That was the last thing that I needed to hear. I have been angry ever since.

I really belive my meds are working for me because I am able to act more reasonably than I did and the mood is more stable and the voices for my evening med has been working.

I sometimes do feel suicidal like thinking of many ways to harm myself but, that has been better. I am really trying hard to show my emotions by smiling more and thinking of positive things in my life.

I hope this forum will be able to help me when I'm at my low. Thanks!!!!

balcony
Posts: 1395
Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:46 pm
Contact:

Postby balcony » Wed Oct 03, 2012 12:46 pm

Hi Rebecca, I am so glad you are doing better. As for your friend, Bill, I am sure he was at a complete loss for what to say. Many times people who don't suffer depression are extremely uncomfortable around those who do because they are afraid. If Bill is someone who is important to you, be patient with him..maybe suggest some books for him to read or explain to him that he doesn;t have to say anything, just be there for you.

I hope you continue to feel better and keep posting. You do not have to feel alone here. Take care, hugs

stillwaters
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Sep 10, 2012 1:26 pm

Hi Eddie & Stars7

Postby stillwaters » Wed Oct 03, 2012 8:55 pm

I am truly sorry that as human beings we have been brought together because of this shared illness and not a more pleasurable common thread. AS I mentioned the last couple of years have not been good for me but this last month and a half have been bad. I am still off work and today have used up all my vacation time and sickdays. I have had to apply for employment insurance for an 8 week sick benefit (Canada eh) but I really really hope to be back to work before that. Along with my regular sales duties I am also the office manager so I am so anxious being off work but like you Eddie I am now getting terrified of going back. In sales when you are dealing with depression I think one is also required to become a good actor but I am having trouble dealing with people now and have been days without going out of the house.
Since I have been visiting this website however I have had some relief from the stress. I do use the chat room although I dont add much to the conversations as it goes pretty fast but it is good to see how others are feeling similar to myself and makes me feel not quite as lonely.
I hope you both will also find help dealing with your depression here and come to know that there are people that do care (although Stars7, I am pretty sure Bill does as well)
By the way, you should know that Balcony, who responded to all our posts, is an angel who has the ability to say just the right thing. Thanks again Balcony.


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