Anyhow i suppose i should get straight to introducing myself
Im craig and im 30 years old and i have stumbled upon this site whilst searching the net for information regarding depression/anxiety, after typing a few key words i arrived here and took inspiration from reading the various threads and boards.
Eventually i decided to sign up and take the plunge to share my thoughts and feelings across a platform that can understand, or hopefully understand my current moods etc etc.
Basically without going into great detail, I have for the past five years been under a lot of pressure and negative emotion, It all began for me when i seperated from my then partner in early 2003.
What lay ahead was some of the most upsetting life experiences i have ever had to endure, From seperating i imediately encountered terrible difficulty in gaining any contact what-so-ever with my Daughter, As time went by then so the stress levels raised.
I dont really want to go in to all the fine detail but even to this day there is a high level of problems concerning my Daughter that worry me all the time.
Over the past year contact has been running very smooth in terms of actual staying time etc, there has been many ocaisons when problems have arisen but on the whole apart from some scheduled time lost, then contact as been smooth compared to the early period on seperation.
However the stress and worry as not gone away and im strugling with worry 24/7. (Again i cant go into all the fine detail because im not comfortable to do so at this moment in time)
Then things personal for me took a very frightened turn, It was January 08 and whilst sitting at home i was not feeling well within myself and was full of concious worry for my daughter, Whilst laying on my settee at home, I started getting very strange sensations running through my hands and arms, I sat up straight and felt a massive rush from my feet to my head and felt i was going to die, It was the most scariest thing that had ever happend to me and i dialed for emergency services
I genuinely thought i was having a heart attack and feared i was going to die right there and then, I was shaking with fear and despite not being a religious person i was crying to god "please dont let me die like this, My daughter needs me" etc etc
The ambulance arrived after what felt like a week in time, In reality it was less than 10 minutes, On going through the normal q+a, and a abundance of checks both at home and inside the ambulance it was clear that i was not having a heart attack at all, I was taken to hospital for further checks and tests and they could see or find nothing wrong with me at all, Everything seemed fine, But inside and mentally i was not fine.
Since then i keep getting the same thoughts and feelings and my life has changed to a lot of doom and gloom, Before i would always brush aside my inner thoughts as signs of weakness and get myself through them, But this was different, i had and have not yet got the means to brush them aside. I have been to my doctors and after refusing other medication i accepted a prescription for Beta-Blockers (Propranolol) but although the physical symptoms seamed to ease a bit (was not getting the sensations) i still and do feel terrible and cant stop thinking negative all the time.
I then recently happend to walk past a health shop and decided by off chance to take a look inside, This was last week and i purchased what was suggested by the worker present, This being both a supply of B complex with magnesium ascorbate, and a supply of Rhodiola Rosea.
I have been feeling better since taking these but the past 2 days have again been a nightmare for me and the dreaded thoughts are still very present
Basically i have great difficulty in sleeping and functioning like i used to, My average day is consumed of thoughts that i am gonna drop dead at any given moment, No matter what i try i just cant get it out of my head, I am left worrying that my daughter will be left to struggle with the problems faced at her maternal home, and that i will not be able to help her, My other thought is that the reason i shall drop dead is so that the maternal family will be rid of my prescence in my daughters life.
My other over-whelming thought is of questioning the reason behind life itself?
At this point i think its important i state that at no time do i question the point of me living in terms of causing myself harm, What i mean is the thoughts i get are questions like what does it all matter in the long run, what is the reason of life itself, Does it matter if you die now or if you die in 10/20/30 40 years etc etc.
I then tell myself of course it would matter and whats important is your family and most importantly my daughter, At the end of the day i am consumed with these dreadfull moods and thoughts, that does not mean that should i drop dead there aint other peoples feelings and futures to think about.
After that i immediately return to thinking im gonna drop dead at any time and get scared again of this thought, its the same cycle day in and day out and in between my general mood is really crap and down, i get slight aches and pains and the thoughts are triggered immediately that something is gonna happen to me.
I am really stuck in the perverbial rut, And cant fathom a way of getting back to my old self, The most important thing for me is that my daughter is not aware at all that i feel down, Its a complete contrast when im with her and the thoughts do calm down a bit, But they are still there just not on as big a scale, But despite what anyone might say i am definitely not blindfollded into thinking my daughter does not reconise im stressed, Its actually true that theres no way atm that she could of picked up on any bad days i have becuase its not actively present or shown when she is in my company, Although im sensible enough to realise that the day might come when she does see or does work out that something aint functioning right with her daddy, that thought scares me a lot.
The past 6-9 months have been more stressfull in many ways due to the fact we sadly lost our grandmother before christmas, and also my mam and dad have divorced before christmas (although their relationship is fantastic and amicable as friends and parents) and in november last year i had major reconstruction surgery on my Ankle (which i was also dreading)
All this combined with my personal stress has taken its toll i think, And without being a expert or not even understanding it all, I believe my mind has lost its defences and i am no longer able to withstand it like i used to.
Anyhow i really do apologise for my ramblings, and i hope ive put my thoughts down in the right section etc here, Posting this has been an adventure in itself and i feel good for doing so, I have massive support and understanding from my family, But i kind of feel i needed to offload my experiences and feelings in a different enviroment of understanding.
I hope i can gain a lot of benefit from putting my thoughts across on this platform, And learn to understand and help myself cope better in future, I also hope i can interact with the folk here and if at all possible be of benefit to others also.
For now
Craig
