Alone in a Room Full of People...

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cinnamongirl
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Alone in a Room Full of People...

Postby cinnamongirl » Mon Aug 06, 2012 3:46 pm

Hi... here I am... hoping to find some people that can relate to that feeling of being totally alone. I am rarely "physically" alone, there are people around me either at work or home, but yet I feel as though I am completely isolated because I cannot relate to the world around me. I am sad all of the time despite having an amazing, loving and supportive family... I don't feel as though I deserve them and I live in fear that my Darkness will chase them away, as it does to anyone I become attached to... I feel like the Darkness is some sort of plague and I am so locked inside this overwhelming sorrow that it makes people run from me... I feel as though life is passing by while I remain stagnant and hopeless. The Pain I feel is that numbness you get beyond sadness... I don't know where to turn when I've literally tried every medication available without success (they all seem to make me feel worse and even suicidal) and due to my current lack of health insurance, professional help seems like a luxury I simply cannot afford... Where do I go when there doesn't seem like there is anywhere I belong???? I hope that I find a home here as you all seem like such nice people... :mrgreen:

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Destination
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Postby Destination » Tue Aug 07, 2012 12:13 am

Yeah, I can relate. I often feel like I'm "alone in a crowd". I rarely have privacy at home, and there are times when I wish I had it. But being alone is not the same as feeling alone. There have been times when I was by myself and did not feel alone. Being around groups of people sometimes makes me feel as if I am standing outside the window of a cozy building, looking inside and seeing everyone laughing and talking. I feel left out, even though I'm not. Its like being outside of everything.
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”
― George Bernard Shaw

cinnamongirl
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Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:34 pm

Postby cinnamongirl » Tue Aug 07, 2012 12:04 pm

Thank you, Destination, for your post. I feel validation knowing that I am not the only one who feels this way. I love how you put it, about being on the outside looking into that cozy building... it sums it up perfectly. In some ways, I feel so heartbroken and isolated knowing that those closest to me cannot relate to me or understand this Sadness, but at the same time, I am so grateful that they don't feel this Pain, and let's face it, in order to truly understand it, you have to have experienced it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone...

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Destination
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Postby Destination » Tue Aug 07, 2012 11:53 pm

I've gotten to the point where while it still hurts, it doesn't hurt as much these days. I know that part of the problem is me, I know I need to get out there and make friends with people I have something in common with. Then perhaps I will finally be on the inside.

I was standing outside smoking the other night and I saw people at the bar across the street laughing and talking, they looked like they were having a good time and it made me feel sad. Bars aren't my thing, but I know there must be something that I could do that would be fun and help me get to know more people.

Maybe you can think of something too?
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

― George Bernard Shaw

cinnamongirl
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Postby cinnamongirl » Wed Aug 08, 2012 5:00 pm

Bars are not my thing either! Being rather shy myself, I find it difficult to meet people and socialize... I admit I have the lowest self esteem which does not make it easy... But I think shared interests is a really great place to start... What are your hobbies/interests? Perhaps there are some classes at a local community college or community center that you could sign up for? They're usually reasonably priced and the times are usually pretty good. It's so much easier to talk to people when you have someting in common. Maybe at a gym if you work out? Oddly enough, I met a great person on an online auction site. I bid on something she had and discovered through pm's we shared a lot of the same interests and she lives not far from me. We have become pretty good friends. I believe that you are very right about meeting people. I think it helps. I'm not always desperately depressed, but it's like a predator watching me, waiting to strike and when it strikes I feel completely lost...

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Destination
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Postby Destination » Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:14 am

Yeah, sometimes I feel like when I'm happy that any minute something will happen to make the day go bad. Mostly though I try to maintain a good upbeat attitude. Some days that doesn't work, but it does a lot of times. I like writing best of all. I can't afford to take classes right now, maybe when I get a job with more hours then I will be able to.

I think it's really cool how you made a friend :D it is always good when you can meet someone and make friends without a lot of pressure or feeling uncomfortable in a large crowd of people. I also thought about taking dance classes, but the only kind they have here is ballet :roll: I have no desire to return to that. I tried it when I was a kid and all I can remember is a load of pain. I want to have fun, not break my toes off lol! I would love to try a modern dance class or learn the waltz though.

I also like to browse in small shops and antique stores (even though I can't buy anything right now) and I enjoy swimming.

What about you?
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

― George Bernard Shaw

cinnamongirl
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Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:34 pm

Postby cinnamongirl » Thu Aug 09, 2012 1:04 pm

I am not surprised to find that you are a writer... you are very articulate! What do you like to write? I find that my artwork is a great outlet for me. I draw and sculpt. I've made some jewelry as well, but I seem to go through phases. The common thread in all of my work, though, is it's very dark, and most people have difficulty looking at it. I can totally understand about ballet! I think modern dance would be totally cool. And ballroom dancing would be so fun! It's too bad that everything seems to be limited by our finances :( I LOVE antiques as well! They are so full of history, and let's face it, there is nothing new that could have the same look as something that has been around for a long time. The older and more worn the item, the more I like it!!! :lol: I'm going to try thinking more upbeat like you do... And instead of dwelling on the "woulda, coulda, shoulda" I will believe that the decisions I have made are the right ones. Thanks for your inspiration!!!!!!

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Destination
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Postby Destination » Thu Aug 09, 2012 9:56 pm

Yes, the "what if" and "woulda, shoulda, coulda" questions are the worst. You just have to try the best you can and then don't look back!

(( hugs if you want them ))

I agree with you on the antiques :D I love old stuff, as long as it looks good. Art is a great way to express yourself! People may not be able to handle looking at it, but THAT doesn't matter. What matters is getting it outside of you and into the sculpture or painting that you're doing.

Its not necessarily there for others to look at. Maybe it is really there so that you can look at it. Perhaps by being able to look at it on a physical plane, you will be able to be more objective and figure out how to solve a problem? This is just speculation on my part.
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

― George Bernard Shaw

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Destination
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Postby Destination » Thu Aug 09, 2012 10:02 pm

Oh, and I like to write all sorts of things. It depends on my mood. :)
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

― George Bernard Shaw

cinnamongirl
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Postby cinnamongirl » Fri Aug 10, 2012 1:43 pm

Thanks for the hugs... I needed them! :D

Do you find that your writing is emotionally cleansing? Whenever I make a piece, afterwards it feels like that fresh, clean feeling you have when you just step out of a nice, hot shower! And yes, I think you are totally right about it being more for me to look at... Sometimes I look at it and think, wow that Darkness was inside me????? And it really needed to come out. Do you ever feel that way with your writing? Do you ever share your writing with anyone else, or is it a more private thing? Do you ever look back at your work when you are in a Dark place and sort of commiserate with the feelings behind it? Somehow I find comfort in that... When I'm Darkest, I look at my favorite sculpture I made entitled "The Hurting". She symbolizes being stripped of one's Humanity (it is the premise of most of my work). I feel that the Depression chips away at my Humanity, but when I look at her, well it makes me feel as though I can overcome that because I can see a soul…my soul…inside her, and could we have a soul if we weren’t alive?

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Destination
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Postby Destination » Fri Aug 10, 2012 11:07 pm

That's a beautiful way to look at your sculpture :) yes, we must have a soul because we are alive.

I usually write fictional things. I did at one time try to keep a journal, but I just wasn't very good at keeping up with it lol. I do feel great though after I write a piece because I can look at it and think, "I wrote that, and it looks pretty good!" :D

I guess the way I get things out is by talking about them. I don't talk much about my depression to my family, but if they have done something that upsets me, I will talk about that. It is a little scary to do, but I've found that its also a relief when I talk about it.

I can say, "Hey, I really feel upset when you are doing this or that or saying this or that." Then they usually apologize because they had no clue that they were upsetting me. Things have slowly been getting better because of that. The hardest part is having the courage to stick up for myself. It hasn't gotten any easier, but I like feeling less stressed as a result. If I am less stressed, I am less depressed.

There are still a lot of times I feel like I'm on the outside, but I'm fighting that feeling as much as I can.
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

― George Bernard Shaw

cinnamongirl
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Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:34 pm

Postby cinnamongirl » Sat Aug 11, 2012 6:11 pm

That's really great that you can express to your family if they are doing things to upset you... I find it more difficult to tell my family when they are upsetting me than I do to say a solicitor or other stranger. I think that it takes quite a bit of courage to do that. It must feel great to speak up!!!! :lol:

Journals can help, but it's difficult to keep up with them. I used to journal as well, but with a busy life, it just got put on the back burner. I bet your writing is amazing! There's nothing better than revisiting your work and being proud of the fruits of your labor/passion!!!!

Right after Whitney Houston passed away, a co-worker of mine said she found it curious that people with talent seem to be depressed and she wondered why that is. Do you think it's because people suffering from depression feel things differently than those who don't? Are we tapped into deeper emotions than those who don't suffer through this? Or are we just more able to express our feelings? :?

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Destination
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Postby Destination » Sun Aug 12, 2012 1:45 am

I've heard that too. I guess people from all walks of life can be depressed though, not just creative types. It seems there are certain types that are more prone to depression. Introverts, people with high IQ's, and creative types like artists and inventors, all seem to be more prone to depression. That doesn't mean other types don't get depressed, just that some people are more prone to it. Either way it is a war on the mind and soul that we have to fight against daily.
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

― George Bernard Shaw

cinnamongirl
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 2:34 pm

Postby cinnamongirl » Sun Aug 12, 2012 8:18 pm

It truly is a war on the mind and the soul.... When did you first start your battle with depression? I didn't really learn what it was that I was dealing with until I was in my 20s, but I began having that feeling of overwhelming Sadness when I was around 12. My father was stationed overseas and it was difficult for me to become acclimated to living in a foreign country. I was bullied mercilessly for the 3 years I was there... It tore me apart and I attempted "s" several times, I just didn't know how to make the Darkness go away....I didn't know how to make it stop hurting and the constant bullying just drove me into a deeper and darker depression. I didn't have anyone I felt I could talk to about it, especially when I didn't understand it myself. That's when I started turning to my art and some poetry to try and escape the Pain. I can't really remember what it was like "before" Depression. Do you remember the days before it came or did you always have it?

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Destination
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Postby Destination » Mon Aug 13, 2012 12:24 am

Mine didn't hit until I was 18. I had given birth to my first child and unfortunately had the company of the depression that is common after birth. It was the worst time for me. Everything was just black. I didn't enjoy any of the things I used to enjoy like books and movies. I would just sit for hours staring at nothing. Fortunately I didn't take it out on my child.

I started coming out of it after about a year, but the depression never entirely left since then. I've been fighting it since then. I don't remember much of my childhood other than that is was lonely because I was an only child. Once I hit my teen years it all just went downhill from there.

Anyway, if you are interested, I've posted my life story up on a blog, named Destination. The blog is related to this site. Feel free to read it if you want.

(( hugs if you want them )) I'm glad you aren't giving up. :)
“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.”

― George Bernard Shaw


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