ummm...a little bit about me.

[escapee]

My typing is horrid as I have not been typing in a few years. Recently, I have been in the downswing of this. Finding light at the end of the tunnel has been a day dream. However I do know, the right choices I SHOULD be doing..(i.e. getting out of my apartment and going back to work so I can afford to pay my bills.) but in my reality it is far from possible.I can not make myself stay awake even drinking coffee tea energy drinks you name it short of doing illegal drugs again like i had to to make it when i was much younger. I recently found out from my sister that i was diagnosed as manic depressive when i was at the ripe old age of 13. I was never treated for the condition let alone made aware of that till now. I am 38 now. Over the 3 hour conversation with my sister which was started by a post i had made on f.b that had my sister worried. she called me and spilled the beans. I am angry now at this being kept from me. I m depressed by it also. I really have no will to move let alone do what i would when i feel good. which at best lasts 3-4 months at a time. i look back at my life and see the pattern...do great and as soon as something little happens my world crashes. quite literally. this time it had started off at work and then one of my best friends committed suicide...I miss him dearly. I am mad at him cause he cheated not just me but his children. he was my fishing buddy. we were good friends like brothers. but back to my life in general...my sister and i was talking and after she tells me what i was diagnosed i start seeing to corralation...the endless broken relationships... the highs were always super high...no one i do mean no one could stop me during this time...but it was always stopped really short . this has plagued me my whole life. I do awesome get my head just to the edge of being able to breath life again and boom. i am quite literally like i am right now....best way to describe it is basically the lyrics from alice in chains down in a hole. when this hits me i have no will to even really leave my spots ( my recliner or my couch) they are the only places i want to be and have any comfort. i do not want to leave my apartment under any circumstances.and when i was younger i was the same way...i can see it now after talking to my sister...i have had this pattern in my life as far back as i can think.I promised my sister i would seek out a dr. this coming week. i hate feeling this way and this is me on anti depressants... i have been on dang near everyone of them all with the same result....none for this life killing depression. i say it that way because i can not really support myself because of the swings. i go to work i like to work but i can not carry a job for more than a few months at a time and i mean if i am lucky 4 months max all throughout my life due to this ...it is seriously debalitating ( i know i spelled that wrong but as i said at the beginning of this) when this hits me even on antidepressants it put me down for anywhere from a month to 6 months if not more ....i dont know what to do anymore i know what the problem is but have no idea as to how to fix this because antidepressants havent worked....anyways there ya go.... a little bit about escapee....and the reason why that name...because thats what i want to do... escape the insanity i have been living my whole life.