Hi - I'm new and desparate for support

[katescoot]

Hi
things are so bad at the minute I'm in such a bad place. I lost my mum 6 years ago and my big sister was such a support to me both then and when I had my kids (4 and 1). But then my dad and my sister died within 5 weeks of each other at the begining of the year. I feel so lost without my sister. Losing her has been the worst thing that ever happened to me as I was closer to her than anyone except my husband. So now all my original family are gone. And I've done a pretty good job of pushing all my friends away over the past few months.

I've been seeing my local mental health nurse since Feb but she thinks my depression is getting more severe if anything, despite trying several anti-depressants - apparently I'm drug resistant! But the thing that has really broken me now is my husband. I know it's hard for anyone who hasn't had depression to understand but I thought he was supportive and that he loved me as much as I love him. We've been together for 22 years and like I say have 2 kids. But at the weekend he got mad at me for spending too much money (as I'm not contributing right now as I'm off work cos some days I can barely function). Now I know I tend to shop when I'm feeling down, and I do often spend more than I can afford on my own but it's things for the kids and the house and it hasn't left us unable to pay bills or even left us overdrawn. And it's something I've always done. I took £200 out of our joint account to help pay some bills and his reaction has been staggering. He accused me of stealing, made jibes about divorcing me and was so petty and nasty to me in front of the kids I went and lay down in bed and pulled the quilt over my head (my usual way of dealing with things these days!) After a while he came up and told me he thought I was putting my depression on to get out of work and acting looney to get away with stealing and if I didn't get up he'd call the nurse and tell her to commit me to the local mental hospital (he knows I'm terrified of this as I've told him before) and even went as far as to call me a worthless piece of **excrement** in front of the kids.

I'm just so dazed I don't know what to do. It's like he despises me. He spoke with so much venom. I though he loved me and while I know he doesn't like that I spend money so freely it's like he actually hates me. I thought he was my best friend, my family, my rock. I just can't deal with this on top of everything else. I just so want the pain to end. I so wanted to escape that I took a load of sleeping tablets last month, not planning to kill myself but just to gain oblivion for a while and ended up in hospital. But since the weekend I've just been thinking more and more of killing myself as I just can't take anymore of feeling like this and now the person I thought loved me thinks I'm as worthless as I do. But I have 2 little kids who depend on me so how can I leave them? How can i even think it?

I know this goes on for ever and I don't know if anyone will be bothered to read it all but I have to get it out some way and I don't have anyone I can tell - I'm too hurt and humiliated even to tell my nurse.

So anyway hi everyone!

[jj]

hey katescot

so sorry to hear of all your losses, what a tragic thing to have happened *big hugs to you*

your husbands behaviour sounds horrible, it sounds like there is a lack of communication maybe too... maybe it is his fears and not understanding how you are feeling that are causing him to act horribly like this. that doesn't make it okay of course, just maybe that's a reason. has he ever been like this before? im sorry he is being so nasty, have you talked about why he is acting like this? or spoken to him about how awful he is making you feel?

the most important thing is to open up! i think you should definitely tell your nurse! youve got the support and help there, utilise it , im sure it will help


lots of hugs and empathy

jj xx

[escapee]

wow....trust me when i say this .... i know exactly how you feel...lost my dad and then my mom and shortly after my wife took my life and my son away...i do know where ya are.... however i think the lady that posted above me has the right idea for you...wish i could help more but i guees it helps knowing there are others out there that know the feelings too....hugs and best wishes for you!

[balcony]

Hi, katescoot, welcome to the forum. Your story is unbelievably sad and I am very sorry for your losses. That situation sounds extremely difficult.

I hope you will continue to see your mental health care worker..it might take many attempts with different medications and combinations of medications to find the best ones for you. Please do not give up. The loss that you have experienced is horrific and you need to find someone who can provide active counseling and support. The stress of raising a family in combination with your loss is overwhelming. You are not the problem here, events that have happened are. Do not give up or feel ashamed of how you feel, Big Hug and keep posting.

[katescoot]

Thank you so much everyone. It's so good to be able to spill it all out to people who understand what it's like. I so miss having my sister to talk to. My husband and I have sorted a lot of stuff out - stress is getting to him too and he lashed out but he felt so bad afterwards and is trying so hard to understand what I'm going through. And the psychiatrist has added another type of medication to the mix so fingers crossed.
Depression is a nightmare but all your support helps so much - more than I ever thought.

Big hugs and lots of love to all of you.