Depression Understood Forums

Hello All,
I will be 29 yrs old on the 14th of this month and I have been struggling with depression since the summer of 2003 age 20. Right when it hit I knew immediately what it was. It would not go away. I was dying, but on the inside. Each day, month, year that goes by I keep telling myself things do not stay the same forever but to my dread, it seems like this black cloud that follows me every day of my life will not go away.

Do you know how selfish I feel when I tell myself over and over again I wish I were dead just b/c I don't have the strength and energy to live my life, and my life is not a bad life, yet I see and hear of people dying, kids dying who don't deserve to die and I actually envy them and wish they can take my life and I die. I am a waste of life that does not contribute.

Why am I even here? I have everything to be grateful and happy for. Roof top over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table, and friends and family that i love and that love me! So why do I feel so crappy? Its like something is missing and i don't know what it is.

I am so sick and tired of waking up every morning and have that same sorrow and disappointment just crush you. I struggle everyday. Nobody can tell though, I try so hard. When I'm having a really bad day I go to my car on my lunch break drive to a secluded spot and just cry. Why am I even crying? They're people out there who have cancer, homeless people, people missing limbs...do you see them crying and feeling sorry for themselves? I can't help myself though.

I've come to the conclusion that I was born with a failure inside me that does not allow me to change. Everyday I wake up searching with only hope that someday something will be found that will make this endless longing go away.

Don't think I have not tried to beat this. For the first time last year I finally worked up the courage to see a doctor. Prescribed me pills. I was on them for awhile and it did not do a single thing. I feel like I need to pinpoint what is causing this and I do not think a pill will help me.

Sometimes I just wish for a magic pill that will end it all. But I know I don't have the courage to move forward if there was one.

So, this is me, this is my depression.

Hi Dina and welcome! I can identify with your feelings and I'm sure many others here can too. I have often said that if I could pinpoint a reason for my depression, just knowing why I felt this way would make me feel better. Unfortunately I have been unable to find that reason. But I continue on, struggling through my life that seems so perfect to so many. I hope that you find comfort here in the people that can relate to these feelings. Take care and keep posting!

Hi Dina, and welcome to the forums. I am sorry for your struggle. You ask excellent questions and I hope that as you continue battling your depression, you will find some answers and comfort. Remember that depression needs no reason. I have learned here, in listening to so many people, that often times it can take trying a number of medications before finding the best one for you. Take care and hope to hear more soon.