Depression Understood Forums

hi, im new, and i need advice and help. i find i have no real reason to feel the way i do , do i even know if this is me depressed? no.. because this is how ive felt for the past 7 years. im 18 now, i feel like i could just burst out screaming half the time. it wasnt so bad before, i had friends around me all the time, all my close friends have moved away for university and i have stayed to attend my local university. I have friends well i like to call them that because i feel like im loosing my real friends i called family, this has been an extremely tough time. for about 3 months now i havent been able to sleep, ive brought it up to parents, they just think im being lazy and im not burning my energy... but they dont know i stay up at night thinking what would happen if i died.. how would i die? .. when would i die?.. who would miss me?... who would come to my grave?... tonight i cut myself for the first time not deep, just to feel the pain. to feel something... ive never done a cut before but i have tried to break my own arm and punch my own face to feel pain to make sure this is all still real. i dont know how to talk to anyone about it. im not really good with talking to people in general. this all started in grade 7 my grades started to slowly go down ive found i cant talk to people of authority without panicking and crying if i have to talk about myself and about how i feel. nobody knows i feel this way.. they think im happy because i put on a smile. no i cry all the time thinking how im so below everyone. we just finished first semester of university, i failed 4/5 classes... i dont know how to explain to my parents how their daughter who got into university with a scholarship is now failing. ive never been good at school and its always frustrated me, just last week my parents asked if i was happy at school.. i said yes because i dont know how to tell them how i feel... i dont think they would believe me if i did tell them. i feel like they would just say im tired and brush it aside. how do i tell them i feel like this that i know i need help but i dont know how to get it.

now why i say i feel like i have no reason to feel this way i have had what some people would wish for in a life. my parents never hurt me theyve always loved me cared for me. my friends all like me they think im the friend they can go to for help to tell their own secrets too... i cant even tell them how i feel ever. my childhood was great. i feel like im abusing my own life. because i feel so down and yet my life has had nothing wrong in it. the only things wrong is what i do. im the one who fails. im the one need help in school. im the one who cant show emotions.

i have one friend she is dealing with depression, youd think id be able to confide in her. but i feel like she wouldnt believe me because im always the one to be smiling. i try to hint about stuff sometimes to people how i cant sleep, how i dont dream anymore, i dont get it all , i dont know what to do,

and the thing is i dont want to die, i want to grow up and live have a family. but i feel stuck and i dont know what to do.

if someone has any ideas of how to bring this up to parents much appreciated because im slowly caring less about everything.

Hi. You need to speak to a counselor as soon as possible. If you are in college, there should be a counseling service available on campus. I'm sorry you've lost all your friends to university, but unfortunately that's part of growing up. I'm so sorry you hare having a hard tim edealing with the stress and pain. I think it might also help your parents to understand better if they knew the whole truth and not just part of it. SI (self harm) is addictive and dangerous. Please don't get into that very dangerous habit. It's very hard to stop and it will escalate.

I do hope you find some relief soon.