Hey y'all from TN

[Gemm50]

Hey y'all
Just found this site yesterday and after reading a few introduction posts decided to do a short one myself.

I started looking for some support a couple of days ago, on-line, as my husband not only doesn't believe that depression is real, I have to depend on him at the moment for any transportation as I am not able to drive very far and the closest counseling center is about 20 miles away. I've mentioned before feeling depressed to him (we have been married a little over 12 yrs) and his reaction is to just tell me (and anyone else who mentions it) to just get over it. I have been on an antidepressant for about 8 - 9 years but any support I've had has always come from on-line. I got this new computer a couple of months ago and have had to start from scratch to find support boards/chats as all my information from our old computer was erased when my husband took it over and I cannot find the booklet I used to keep all that information in. Truth be told - I believe he found it and threw it away.

I was diagnosed with periodic depressive episodes 1st in about 1970 - 71 when my 1st husband was in the USArmy. Since then I have had several episodes of depression and even suicidal plans &/or even attempts. It has been several years since I have had a serious depressive episode though I have smaller ones each winter as I have also been diagnosed with SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Since moving south after my husband and I got married it eased some but this winter I am mostly housebound due to my health so it has been a bit worse again.

Another problem I face here at home is conflict with my husband when I feel depressed. He feels not only is it just an attempt to get attention, though I actually hibernate, and that because of my past I should be able to deal with it myself.

I really feel trapped right now. A situation has come up between the 2 major parts of my family - my own children and my stepson and neither side are telling me anything about what it entails other than that there is a problem. Actually my children have pretty much stopped talking to me at all over this and it has been suggested and hinted at, though not outright said, that this is what I can expect now unless I leave my husband. I have tried to talk to my husband about it but so far he has been unwilling to listen to me.

Even though he has no sympathy for depression, he is great in other ways and I do love him. He is very supportive of my physical disabilities and supports me fully with my physical therapy. He had a stroke almost 2 years ago and since then I know he has also been suffering some depression and did finally, with my and his doctor's strong suggestions finally allow himself to be put on an antidepressant, but he has refused any counseling, though lately I have seen him waver a bit in his stubborn resistance to that as well and hope that through his own experience he can come to realize just how real depression can be - before it is too late.

I have seen over the last month since this has started coming to a head between my children and my stepson (and by association even my husband) that thoughts and even the beginnings of plans of suicide have begun again. It has been some years since I have been at this stage and realize that to get through it and also to figure out what decision I make about it I need to find some support. I have nobody here where I live that I can go to for support. Anyone whom I may decide to talk to would go straight back to my husband about anything I may say. I have seen it happen several times since we got married and I moved here to TN with him. All my 'friends' here are friends or family of his as he grew up here. With his attitude towards mental health counseling it is also impossible to approach him about getting me to any appointment I may try to make - did that before and he just refused to take me when I wasn't able to go myself, or give me gas money to drive myself when I could. I am also financially totally dependent on him and have no income of my own and no immediate possibilities of it.

Guess this wasn't so short after all. Once I got to typing it just seemed to come of it's own volition.

I just feel trapped right now and don't know where to start to try to find my way back up.

[Obayan]

Hi. You aren't trapped hon. You have a strong background of knowledge and that is a very powerfull tool. Is there any way one of your children can take you to counseling if you make an appointment? You can tell your husband it's a new thing you two are starting "mother/child day out". That way you will be able to do it on a regular basis. Also, you need to sit your children down and talk to them. Just flat out tell them "if you won't tell me what this situation is between you and my stepson then you cannot hold me liable for any type of outcome. If you do hold me liable, that is unfair and very disrespectful to me as your mother and as a person."

We have a chat room here also if you would like to come visit.

[Gemm50]

Thank you for the suggestion but none of my children live anywhere close to me. Two live in NW PA and the other in SE GA and I am in W TN so there is no way they can be of help unless I decide to leave then my older daughter and her husband would take time off work to come get me. Otherwise, I'm on my own here. The last time we spoke she told me just that as she feels she needs to stand with her brother in the matter between him and my stepson. One of the most frustrating things is that nobody will tell me what is really going on between them other than a message left on fb from my stepson to my son that included a statement that he wished my son was dead.

My 'knowledge' is why I chose to find a board for support, as well as past experiences with my episodes and having been able to get through them. The real clincher for me was just a few days ago when I got an e-mail rather than a call from my older daughter about the death of a family member of my late husband's whom she knew was his and my favorite uncle. That act alone told me just how alone I am in this unless I choose to leave as she has always been the one I could talk to about things and she with me.

As with all things - this too shall pass - ....

[Obayan]

I'm really sorry that things are so difficult for you right now. I do hope you are able to find a way to reopen the lines of communication with your daughter.