hopeless

[bellz]

looking for some hope that things can get better. I refuse to go to the hospital again. It really doesn't help. It keeps you from ending your life at the moment but it doesn't fix the problem. Plus they always change all my meds and it messes me up.
It upsets the entire family, I get funny looks and everyone thinks I might just flip out any moment. It's just not worth it. So instead I would rather stick it out at home. After all when it's time to go and I really have tried it to many times they can't keep it from happening. I am not encouraging this by any means. I truly want to find the answer. I don't want to leave my husband that is why I am sticking around. I don't want to live for myself anymore. There is nothing in this world I desire to live for. I just cannot bring myself to hurt him like that. I love him to much for that. So I guess there is that one thing thing that is keeping me here.
I was doing somewhat better but lost my therapist. I have pretty bad agoraphobia, and she was trying to make me take walks in my neighborhood, not just trying but forcing. She told me she could make me. I said how, she said if you don't I won't see you anymore as a patient, now I had never missed, been late to any appointments, always participated, done what she had requested, shared everything with her about all my past abuse. It was very scary, she was asking would the boogie guy get me in my neighborhood, what were the chances of that?? Having ptsd and agoraphobia it was not a good situation for me. She set off all my triggers. My father had abused me in everyway possible all my life. So here she was telling me to do something that was scary to me and if I didn't I would be punished, or abandonded by her, just like he used to. I walked out. So I have been without a therapist for almost 2 months. It has been very hard. I was seeing her 2x a week cuz that was what I really really need. My aunt that I lived with when I was taken from my home at 7 is dying of cancer right now and my mother who I don't talk to because of my abuse is down there right now, she is using my aunt as a way to call me. So that started all kinds of nightmares and head hassles for me, hearing her voice on the phone. DOUBLE WHAMMY TIME. LOSING MY THERAPIST, HEARING FROM MOMMIE DEAREST!! I have been pretty suicidal feeling lately. But hanging in there. I did have a recovery once before. I OD along time ago and think I actually died on the table per what my family has told me I was revived. Well I ended up getting better, having a full time job, doing quite well for some years, but then my company got bought out, it got quite stressful at work, then I got cancer. I had 11 surgeries in 9 months. One surgery was 14 hours long. I am cancer free now. After the 14 hours surgery though they had to get my husband into recovery right away because apparently I was terrified my father was going to hurt me. I think being down that long my subconscious was able to allow alot of stuff some freedom. I am not someone that suddenly remembered suppressed memorries. I never forgot. They just came right up to the surface and I had to start dealing with them. So I am cancer free, scarred up pretty bad at least I think so, poor body image I guess is part of depression, breast cancer. I tend to ramble alot. I am on med's. I do get sad alot and cry. I was once a very smart person, 3.5-4.0 gpa in college but now I get all twisted up and confused, my mind wonders off when people talk to me. I feel really stupid. Could be the meds, also depression. I take topomax. I had been on other stuff for years I have fought depression. I gained so much weight on the other stuff, I don't care what they say it causes weight gain. I have so far lost 13 pounds on topomax. One of the side effects it can have is appetite suppressant, and since I eat when I am depressed, comfort food, ice cream, cookies, carbs. I am now a cow! One of the reasons I have some of the scars I have is my body fat was to high to do the reconstruction I would have liked to have had when I had my cancer surgery. Well there is my intro. I writte books when I type, mostly I think cuz I am so terribly lonely.

[edityou]

I to use to get very depress at times. I to wanted to kill myself. Until I went to many metaphysical society meeting searching for some spiritual answer. I found god was with in me. I discover how god wanted to talk to me through symbols. From there on I new I wasn't alone.

We come into this world looking for answers. We find the answers with false prophets such as drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and money. Then these false prophets brings us to our knees. Then we are put into fear by false prophets. We go seek other false prophets call human being. They twist our minds to fear those false prophets giving them a sort of power over us. Did you ever choose the path of God. Did you ever here gods message. God communicates with us all the time. I here gods message quite often. God communicates to us in different ways.

Mark

[shatteredhopes]

Wow it sounds like you are overwhelmed with painful stuff right now. I totally understand not wanting to go to the hospital, I suffer suicidal ideation almost all the time, but have actually had traumatic hospital experience and will do everything I can to cope at home. Like you have your husband, I too have an elderly mother that keeps me hanging on because I don't want to hurt her and she needs me. Its hard when you want to die but feel obligated to live for someone else. But its a good reason to hang on, because from those I know whose loved ones committed suicide, it was crushing and guilt inducing and no pain quite like it.

What I do when I am feeling suicidal is try not to entertain the thoughts, distract myself as much as possible with television or old movies or something and cope moment to moment. Just make up your mind you won't do anything today. Then take it a day at a time. Helps me anyway.

I understand that feeling too of being dumbed down by mental illness. I was once tested as a genius but today feel totally stupid. Meds can do that too I'm afraid.

Can you get some exercise equipment for inside the home? Like a treadmill or exercise videos so you can get the benefit on your mental and physical health without having to surmount the agoraphobia at the same time? Its possible that as you start to feel better and more confident you will maybe be in a better position to tackle the agoraphobia maybe?

I suffer PTSD too, and know its not a matter of cure but of managing and coping. I hope you can find a new therapist.

Meanwhile, there is something that has helped me a little. There is a chat room connected to this site which not only eases loneliness (sometimes we joke around and talk about meaningless stuff like movies, welcome relief) but also gives me a chance to feel useful. Sometimes when we support others we get more help than we give. Living to light a candle in someone else's darkness here and there has given me a new sense of usefulness, if only once in awhile.

Big Big Hugs! And welcome!

[bellz]

thank you for sharing. I am not ready for a chat. It sounds like you have walked a few miles in my shoes. I am sorry for that. No one should. But your wisdom is appreciated. I think bottom line is not that I ever really want to die, I just really would rather not live my life the way I feel at that moment when I am thinking of suicide. Moment by moment is truly the only way. I do hate the dummy down feeling from the mental fog. Again thanks for your insight.