hopeless
Posted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 3:40 am
looking for some hope that things can get better. I refuse to go to the hospital again. It really doesn't help. It keeps you from ending your life at the moment but it doesn't fix the problem. Plus they always change all my meds and it messes me up.
It upsets the entire family, I get funny looks and everyone thinks I might just flip out any moment. It's just not worth it. So instead I would rather stick it out at home. After all when it's time to go and I really have tried it to many times they can't keep it from happening. I am not encouraging this by any means. I truly want to find the answer. I don't want to leave my husband that is why I am sticking around. I don't want to live for myself anymore. There is nothing in this world I desire to live for. I just cannot bring myself to hurt him like that. I love him to much for that. So I guess there is that one thing thing that is keeping me here.
I was doing somewhat better but lost my therapist. I have pretty bad agoraphobia, and she was trying to make me take walks in my neighborhood, not just trying but forcing. She told me she could make me. I said how, she said if you don't I won't see you anymore as a patient, now I had never missed, been late to any appointments, always participated, done what she had requested, shared everything with her about all my past abuse. It was very scary, she was asking would the boogie guy get me in my neighborhood, what were the chances of that?? Having ptsd and agoraphobia it was not a good situation for me. She set off all my triggers. My father had abused me in everyway possible all my life. So here she was telling me to do something that was scary to me and if I didn't I would be punished, or abandonded by her, just like he used to. I walked out. So I have been without a therapist for almost 2 months. It has been very hard. I was seeing her 2x a week cuz that was what I really really need. My aunt that I lived with when I was taken from my home at 7 is dying of cancer right now and my mother who I don't talk to because of my abuse is down there right now, she is using my aunt as a way to call me. So that started all kinds of nightmares and head hassles for me, hearing her voice on the phone. DOUBLE WHAMMY TIME. LOSING MY THERAPIST, HEARING FROM MOMMIE DEAREST!! I have been pretty suicidal feeling lately. But hanging in there. I did have a recovery once before. I OD along time ago and think I actually died on the table per what my family has told me I was revived. Well I ended up getting better, having a full time job, doing quite well for some years, but then my company got bought out, it got quite stressful at work, then I got cancer. I had 11 surgeries in 9 months. One surgery was 14 hours long. I am cancer free now. After the 14 hours surgery though they had to get my husband into recovery right away because apparently I was terrified my father was going to hurt me. I think being down that long my subconscious was able to allow alot of stuff some freedom. I am not someone that suddenly remembered suppressed memorries. I never forgot. They just came right up to the surface and I had to start dealing with them. So I am cancer free, scarred up pretty bad at least I think so, poor body image I guess is part of depression, breast cancer. I tend to ramble alot. I am on med's. I do get sad alot and cry. I was once a very smart person, 3.5-4.0 gpa in college but now I get all twisted up and confused, my mind wonders off when people talk to me. I feel really stupid. Could be the meds, also depression. I take topomax. I had been on other stuff for years I have fought depression. I gained so much weight on the other stuff, I don't care what they say it causes weight gain. I have so far lost 13 pounds on topomax. One of the side effects it can have is appetite suppressant, and since I eat when I am depressed, comfort food, ice cream, cookies, carbs. I am now a cow! One of the reasons I have some of the scars I have is my body fat was to high to do the reconstruction I would have liked to have had when I had my cancer surgery. Well there is my intro. I writte books when I type, mostly I think cuz I am so terribly lonely.
It upsets the entire family, I get funny looks and everyone thinks I might just flip out any moment. It's just not worth it. So instead I would rather stick it out at home. After all when it's time to go and I really have tried it to many times they can't keep it from happening. I am not encouraging this by any means. I truly want to find the answer. I don't want to leave my husband that is why I am sticking around. I don't want to live for myself anymore. There is nothing in this world I desire to live for. I just cannot bring myself to hurt him like that. I love him to much for that. So I guess there is that one thing thing that is keeping me here.
I was doing somewhat better but lost my therapist. I have pretty bad agoraphobia, and she was trying to make me take walks in my neighborhood, not just trying but forcing. She told me she could make me. I said how, she said if you don't I won't see you anymore as a patient, now I had never missed, been late to any appointments, always participated, done what she had requested, shared everything with her about all my past abuse. It was very scary, she was asking would the boogie guy get me in my neighborhood, what were the chances of that?? Having ptsd and agoraphobia it was not a good situation for me. She set off all my triggers. My father had abused me in everyway possible all my life. So here she was telling me to do something that was scary to me and if I didn't I would be punished, or abandonded by her, just like he used to. I walked out. So I have been without a therapist for almost 2 months. It has been very hard. I was seeing her 2x a week cuz that was what I really really need. My aunt that I lived with when I was taken from my home at 7 is dying of cancer right now and my mother who I don't talk to because of my abuse is down there right now, she is using my aunt as a way to call me. So that started all kinds of nightmares and head hassles for me, hearing her voice on the phone. DOUBLE WHAMMY TIME. LOSING MY THERAPIST, HEARING FROM MOMMIE DEAREST!! I have been pretty suicidal feeling lately. But hanging in there. I did have a recovery once before. I OD along time ago and think I actually died on the table per what my family has told me I was revived. Well I ended up getting better, having a full time job, doing quite well for some years, but then my company got bought out, it got quite stressful at work, then I got cancer. I had 11 surgeries in 9 months. One surgery was 14 hours long. I am cancer free now. After the 14 hours surgery though they had to get my husband into recovery right away because apparently I was terrified my father was going to hurt me. I think being down that long my subconscious was able to allow alot of stuff some freedom. I am not someone that suddenly remembered suppressed memorries. I never forgot. They just came right up to the surface and I had to start dealing with them. So I am cancer free, scarred up pretty bad at least I think so, poor body image I guess is part of depression, breast cancer. I tend to ramble alot. I am on med's. I do get sad alot and cry. I was once a very smart person, 3.5-4.0 gpa in college but now I get all twisted up and confused, my mind wonders off when people talk to me. I feel really stupid. Could be the meds, also depression. I take topomax. I had been on other stuff for years I have fought depression. I gained so much weight on the other stuff, I don't care what they say it causes weight gain. I have so far lost 13 pounds on topomax. One of the side effects it can have is appetite suppressant, and since I eat when I am depressed, comfort food, ice cream, cookies, carbs. I am now a cow! One of the reasons I have some of the scars I have is my body fat was to high to do the reconstruction I would have liked to have had when I had my cancer surgery. Well there is my intro. I writte books when I type, mostly I think cuz I am so terribly lonely.