last year i made a ton of friends, i could make just about anyone laugh. but during summer, i was very, very busy, and had little to no time for a social life. i didnt hang out with them at all. this year when i try to talk to my old friends, i feel awkward, and cant say much to them because i dont know alot about them anymore. also, on the first day of school, some of them literally growled at me when i tried talking to them, like they knew what my situation was, but they didnt realize how i felt. they all seem to be doing great in their social lives. and some of them seem to be trying to ignore me. my texts and messages are mostly ignored.
I used to be really good with girls. i could sweet talk any of them, i was nice, and a bit playful. but i now i just dont know what to say to them.
ive hung out with a group that i find really interesting. but now i feel like im becoming annoying, or a burden to them.
1) My downfalls: My friends make me/ I'm not a leader,
a. cant say what i want to say during projects, (i freeze up.)
b. when my friends seem to not care about me i become so stressed out and cant do my homework.
(spend hours looking for help on the internet)
c. i cant play video games without becoming disgusted at myself. (although this may be useful)
d. last year ive had a hard time making plans for going out, until the middle of the year. (fun while it lasted
)
2) I have depression: -Last year, my school they were training us ib kids to be positive proactive thinkers, now that theve stopped, im not happy.
a. I was bullied in middle school, not for being asian, but for being a small, easy to pick on asian. (e.i: I cried alot, whinnied(i think), I acted as though i was better than everyone else, i thought i was better than everyone else. - This is also called growing up waaaay to fast.
b. (a sidenote to letter "a"): This must have built up sooooo much reserved seretonin in me that I accidentally used all of it up during freshmen year and hadnt saved any for sophmore lol)
c.. During middle school years, my parents gave me the wrong ideas of how to deal with bullies. (e.g: kicking bullies int eh shin, talking back, ignoring them and then reporting them, telling me im better than everyone else.) -Turns out 2 years into high school that they had no idea that i was being bullied by EVERYONE, just the ones that i reported.
c. Im not as rich as everyone else in my neighborhood
d. The only kids my age in this neighborhood are homeschooled ewww... (although im sure some of the gurlz are pretty
)
e. Spend hours on end looking up unimportant, boring stuff. -Such as doing this
f. Cant play video games without feeling disgusted with myself.
g. stress out when i try to do my homework by doing facebook, and seeing my lack of progress with my friends, i shut down by either crying or doing letter "e" and sometimes "f".
2. i have a dysfunctional family. -i believe my dad and moms may be depressed as well:
a. My parents are extremely narcissistic (believe they are "godlike" "perfect" or "better" than other people in a way.)
b. my moms would stop her work just to help me because she was too stressed out in her job to work. I have lots of fights with her, with me saying and feeling: I dont care. When were fighting, she explains that I can easily control it. Sometimes her depression takes over and she makes up what i did not say which escalates everything into a large fight. -She seems paranoid and thinks that i am not really depressed and that i am just lazy. She is may be a bit too worried for me, but with my grades I dont blame her.
c. my dad comes home from work and just watches tv and sleep, doing a few chores. he gets mad at the slightest detail that he does not like. he shows an unwillingness to change his "useless" religious and old cultural ways, sets extremely high standards. - He says he doesnt care what everyone says about him, and that everyone comes to him for help. I believe this may be that he is being used as a doormat, and people make fun of him even after 22 years of being in the States, and he is depressed, and takes it out on the family, by shutting himself away with the tv and sleep. -I personally hate him for not getting his act together by adapting to the culture.
d) My brother is autistic. I used to play with him, get into fights, like normal bros. But because of my family's early beliefs and superstitions, they would blame everything he did on me or my sister, and would keep us away from him. (Mostly me because i was the guy(cultural thing) and the youngest). As it continued to get worse, I began to ultimately stop caring for my brother and shun him.
e)my sis doesnt get involved at all in the family matters. At all. Wish I was like her. She smart, n fun to be with but when she leaves for a different college in teh spring Imma lose my.. 3rd close friends
My solutions and attempts:
a)i always try to put a smile on my face, but now its harder to do that when i know some people dont like me.
b) I just dont remember the me I was in freshmen year. I can spend all teh time in teh world jsut thinking: "How did a kid from with such a horrible past experience go up to that!? And go back down to this?"
c) I try to act interested in what is going on, but I often feel bored, uncaring, and become quiet.
d) i started taking pills for adhd. -Its fun being adhd hehehe
except when i didnt take no chill pill my mind was completely blank and wandering, now not as blank, and fully focused... wen i want to be.
e) (edited for content: contained a link to another site)
f)never cut myself, or purposely caused harm to myself.
g) my suicidal thoughts dont go very far. -I get to the point with a knife in my hand(please note this is all in my head) and im jsut like... "What do i do with it?" lol
h) I like to think positive, but lately ive been feeling really, really gloomy.
i) Recommended for wilderness therapy but: Its not summer anymore so I cant do alot of camps and stuff.
j) I may start taking antidepressants (chill pills) but Im trying other things first such as eating healthier, and weightlifting with a few friends.
Me:
a) i am a sophmore in high school
b) I (try) to organize my thoughts.
c) I want to live life to the fullest.
d) I have adhd
e) I have depression
f) I try to make teh best out of everything
g) I am a cute asian kid, though not as small as last year. gosh it feel so weird being able to bully/talk to the smaller freshmen when I'm a foot taller than them!
h) I like to laug, and smile, and so does my sis
i) I have always been trying to fix myself, and make me work better, but this year, It got so bad that i finally told my parents (my moms atleast) that i needed a therapist. The therapist has been with me for 4 scheduled sessions. So far, all he's done was let me talk, and occasionally interrupt to ask some question, which done seem to do much. - Also whenever he sits down he gets these really nasty boners it so disgusting ewww... Therapist is The Rapist, but he hasnt gotten me... yet
j) People have recommended Wilderness Therapy. Im trying to do something similar to that, by playing airsoft, and maybe going hunting. I also ride my bike out alot even though my neighborhood doesnt have very many (cool)kids in it.
k) I am also really, really addicted to playing the teners. Im in marching band, a percussion mallet, but Im learning the things for the teners very well, although I have to admit it pisses me off and annoys the hell out of everyone when im found constantly fixing errors.
See thats my story... ^^^ I posted something similar to this but I didnt find the answers satisfying enough, so i decided to write a bit more.
If anyone has contributions, and ideas for me, it would make me feel so much better if some of you could share your past experiences wid me as well thanks.
