Alone in a Room Full of People...

[cinnamongirl]

Hugs back at you! I had the same intense Darkness after the birth of my son... it was so terrible!!!! How can such a happy time in our lives be so Dark at the same time?????

I read your story and posted a reply... I think you are very courageous woman and I really admire you!!!!

[Destination]

Thanks so much for your response to my story. It was nice to see. I hope we can become friends and stay in touch.

(( huggles ))

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks for starting this thread and expressing your feelings so well (((( cinnamongirl )))) and (((( Destination )))).
I, too, have often felt and still often feel on the outside looking in.
Particularly, at the moment, when I'm trying very conscientiously to manage my own feelings of isolation, depression and pessimism, and not to let them spill over onto other people. ( Even, if perhaps, at least temporarily, I've drifted away from a few of the people in my life as a result of that. Sigh! )
I have found that having interests in common with other people is a good way of getting to know people. I've always been a huge Science Fiction fan. Particularly, I've often found that being a fan of shows like Star Trek, Doctor Who, Buffy, Firefly/Serenity, etc is a very good way of " breaking the ice " as it were. For example, if I meet another Browncoat, ( A Firefly/Serenity fan ), I know that we're already going to have one thing in common, that TV show. And, that being the case we'll already have a few common catchphrases and jokes in common, and before you know it we'll be talking/debating/ bickering about our favourite characters/episodes, etc...
Sorry, if this post sounds a bit " wooden ", I'm still working on this
" emotional self-expression business "...

[cinnamongirl]

Hi and hugs TackingIntoTheWind... Thanks for your post. It's really odd how we can feel so apart from everyone. Sometimes, when I'm here with my husband and son, they are so close with each other and they have so much fun and so much in common and it only reminds me how separate I feel from them and from the world!!!! I'm very much on the Outside Looking In!

SciFi is a really great way to meet people!!! My brother treated he and my son to ComiCon in San Diego last month. They met a lot of cool people and my son says he could felt as though he talk to anyone there. Do they ever have SciFi conventions where you live? Through my boys, I am quite familiar with Dr Who, Star Trek, Firefly and the like. They love Japanese Animation as well.

[cinnamongirl]

Hi Destination... I sent you a pm... I would really like to stay in touch with you too!!!!!!!!

Hugs!!!!!

[BRA_Lucy]

Hello, <cinnamongirl> and <destination>.

Regards from Brazil. I know everybody thinks that brazilian people are always so happy and all, but I guess I came with a bad manufacturing problem at birth...lol...I try to make fun of things and myself but I totally identified myself with you. A few years ago I had my first episode of depression with a panic attack. Since then I became afraid of myself, of going through all that again. Step by step I stopped going out, working and I barely relate to my friends and the worse part is that sometimes I don't even miss it. I go to therapy - I tried them all - but I still can't move. I think trapped with myself. I like being alone, always have, but it became worse with time and the only thing that I still hold on tight is my boyfriend but even him I'm frequently almost giving up...it's too hard to carry...I am a burden to him in spite of what he says, I know I am, he is no longer happy as he used to be and most of it is my fault...I don't seem to see reason in anything in life...anything I do I do it because I have to and if I can postpone it, I do that too. More often that anyone should do. I don't have what it takes to work anywhere, because I can't stand to be in a close space for that long, so I try to work at home, but I don't have the discipline for that...for shorters my life is a mess for years now. I'm 31 years old, still living with my parents, don't earn enough to do anything I like and want and basically I don't want to do much anyway...so...the time goes by and I feel it slipping away but I don't have the strenghts to do what I read here at other foruns to go out, to fight it and to meet new people. I hate meeting people. I don't like being around them, it has been really hard for me to talk to people. I've never had problem with that, but nowadays it's been extremely hard. I often want to tell people to shut up and leave me alone but when I'm alone, I'm not better. Whem I'm in a crowd I don't relate to anyone is like the window as you said here, and when I'm alone...my head drives me crazy. The only thing that helped a little was the cat I adopted, she's been my comfort and beloved company...she doesn't speak! My family tries their best to be supportive but they don't have the inner structure to help...it has been dark years and i used to love my life...i miss loving it...
Please forgive my english mistakes...english is not my first language...

Thanks for sharing your feelings...it was very comforting to find out I wasn't alone at all...although I wouldn't wish anyone should feel like this..

[cinnamongirl]

Hello BRA_Lucy... thank you for sharing your story. ((((BRA_lucy)))) I think sharing your story here is a really great place to start.... It was so hard for me to believe that there could be anyone who feels like we do, and although it makes me sad that you all feel it too, isn't it comforting to know that there are people out there that understand this Darkness and Isolation? Sharing your Pain is the best way to try and deal with this. And even though the people closest to you simply cannot understand this feeling, having somewhere to turn can only help with not only the way you are feeling, but I think it's going to help you to feel better in your relationships. I saw a professional for many years, and although I do believe it helped, I admit that I don't think he truly understood this feeling... He was a great sympathizer, but I doubt that he really truly understood. I also feel like a heavy burden to those I love, and I've felt so scared to lose them... But I can totally tell you are a fighter and that you want to get better, otherwise you wouldn't be here You don't have to jump in all the way by going out and physically meeting people... baby steps are good!!!!! And this is the first step!!!!

PS -I love the way you described the manufacturing problem at birth! I totally feel the same way!!!!!!!

[Destination]

Hi TackingIntoTheWind I don't think you sound wooden at all. I've seen the way you respond to others on the forum. You have a sense of humor and seem like you would be a fun person to get to know.

I think being on the outside looking in is our way to isolate ourselves. If we slowly take small steps, we can work toward integrating ourselves back into making friends and enjoying things again.

Hi BRA_Lucy maybe you are an empath? If you can't stand being around people, perhaps it is their emotions that you can't stand being around. It could be that what they are feeling is rubbing you raw. If that is the case, it might be why you get the feeling where you just want people to "get away" from you.

Is there any time or place during the day or night where you can just be by yourself and spoil yourself with a bath or a quiet cup of tea? Sometimes isolation is what we need before we are ready to re-enter society.

[BRA_Lucy]

Hi Cinnamongirl, Destination and TackingIntoTheWind.

I totally agree with you all. And agree with Destination when she said that you, TackingIntoTheWind, have a great sense of humor and that probably is a natural gift that will help you get out of these bad times…I read once that we gave to hold on tight to those things that makes us stronger, the things that are naturally ours…our gifts…I believe that…and I truly believe in Cinnamongirl when she says that coming here and talking about these feelings she have is a first step, a great step I would say…not only because I recognize myself in others, but because I can put these bad things out knowing that it won’t be a burden to anyone…it will be understood and I will get back not pity or sorrow, but understanding…that is the most comforting thing. I found this forum yesterday and since then I read a lot topics and found myself in a lot of them. It made me breath better…like a bright light in a dark day.
Destination, you said about being an empathic…I don’t know…maybe this could be it, but talking to you made me realize that maybe what make me angry and upset around people is that I’m feeling uncomfortable and I can’t discuss it with any of them…this is not a subject or a theme to a party, right? They can’t give me any kind of feedback or support…not that I want to talk about it all the time…what I mean is…I feel that I don’t have a thing in common with them, I don’t like the usual conversations subjects of “ordinary” people and there’s a very little number of people that can provide a good conversation, with consistence…with knowledge…they are empty, shallow…since I had the episodes I’ve been studying my own life and values…I discovered I did all wrong, I mean…I never gave the right things and moments the deserved credit and didn’t save enough money, didn’t think about the future, didn’t think about the things that really made me happy and that could make a difference in my life…I just never thought before doing things and now I fell like paying the price…I believe life is a chain of consequences…not a coincidence…but choices and consequences…I guess realizing how bad I treated myself and my life, even though I thought I was doing the right thing at the time (several times I accepted terrible jobs to help my father and all…but I should have done it differently) is what makes me so angry when I’m not sad.
I was diagnosed as a Bipolar…I have moments of euphoria and others of depression…sometimes the chance is so quick that I can’t keep up…I think I can change the world and the next minute I think life doesn’t worth living and I am the worse person in the world…I know you do know how hard it is to fight yourself everyday to have an almost normal life…but…how do I control it? I mean…my mind? I get so angry with myself…
Thanks for sharing it with me…

[Destination]

BRA_Lucy,

I don't know if you can control it all the time. I mean I work very hard to control my anger, but it is definitely an uphill battle. I'm gonna say its worth the fight though. I'm starting to love doing some things again. Like reading, taking walks or browsing in a store.

Maybe you are right and it is that those people are shallow. I can't tell you how many times I've thought the same thing. I will be sitting there listening to them talking and thinking "How can they actually think THAT is so important?" I usually end up feeling bored and thinking that what they are talking about is stupid. I know that it is unkind of me to think that way, but I can't seem to help my thoughts.

I have found that if I go to places other people suggest or that other people have implied I should be going to, I end up having nothing in common with the people around me. Could that be what it is for you?

[BRA_Lucy]

Hi, Destination.

Yes. That’s exactly it. I get so bored my bed would better company...or a great old movie (because the latest movies are so…not creative…so silly…). I actually love being in my bed and inside the house all the time…I don’t know if that’s part of who I am or just the reflection of a mental disorder.
Sometimes I think that the problem is not me…is the places and people I get in touch with…because I’ve been through things (and I think you have too) that made me realize how important are other things..and seeing them all stuck in an material non-stop life makes me anger, when I care for them; when I don’t care, when we are talking about strangers I have to meet and talk I want to go home…to my books, my cat…
What do you think?

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks for the kind words (((( cinnamongirl )))), (((( Destination )))) and (((( BRA_Lucy ))))! They are very much appreciated!
I, too, very much find that coming to this site and talking about my feelings helps me tremendously. ( And, being able to do so knowing that I wont be burdening anyone, and knowing that I'll meet with understanding, rather than pity. " It made me breath better...like a bright light in a dark day. " My thoughts exactly! What a good way to put it, (((( BRA_Lucy ))))! )
I have often found that it is difficult to talk about things like my experience of depression with people who haven't experienced them. Although, on the up-side of that, if I have talked about my experience of depression, it's surprising how many people, who I would never have thought of as " Depressed ", have later quietly come up to me and said things alone the lines of " You know what? Me too..." )
Overall, I wouldn't say that people who haven't experienced depression are automatically shallow or unsympathetic. I think it's probably more of a variety of aatitudes.
I think there are some people who, unfortunately, are pretty self-centred. They don't much care about people's experience of depression, other peoples' feelings or experiences in general or really much about other people at all. ( Fortunately, I've found people like this to be very much a minority. Although, they do seem to have a rather disquieting talent for edging their way into positions of authority. However, minor that authority will, hopefully be. )
Then there are people who haven't experienced depression so it's not really something that they have any reason to think about. ( Perhaps I could use Wales as an example. I was born Welsh, so my experience of being Welsh, living in Wales, working in Wales, etc have been very significant in making me who I am. The same is true for Welsh people in general. However, for the British government in London, Wales is merely one, and not necessarily the most important, of the United Kingdom's concerns. The European Union probably thinks about Wales even less. Afterall, Wales is just one region of one member-state of the twenty-seven member-states of the EU. the people running the EU aren't any more shallow than I am. There're just viewing Welsh from their own perspective rather than mine.
And, there are some people who are just so occupied with keeping their own lives, jobs families, etc going they are just either pre-occupied with that, or whatever they use to distract themselves from that.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks for the kind words (((( cinnamongirl )))), (((( Destination )))) and (((( BRA_Lucy ))))! They are very much appreciated!
I, too, very much find that coming to this site and talking about my feelings helps me tremendously. ( And, being able to do so knowing that I wont be burdening anyone, and knowing that I'll meet with understanding, rather than pity is very helpful. " It made me breath better...like a bright light in a dark day. " My thoughts exactly! What a good way to put it, (((( BRA_Lucy ))))! )
I have often found that it is difficult to talk about things like my experience of depression with people who haven't experienced it. Although, on the up-side of that, if I have talked about my experience of depression, it's surprising how many people, who I would never have thought of as " Depressed ", have later quietly come up to me and said things alone the lines of " You know what? Me too..." )
Overall, I wouldn't say that people who haven't experienced depression are necessarily shallow or unsympathetic. I think it's probably more of a variety of responses.
I think there are some people who, unfortunately, are pretty self-centred. They aren't particularly interested in peoples' experience of depression, other peoples' experiences or feelings in general or really much interested in other people at all, unless their own interests are involved. ( Fortunately, I've found people like this to be very much a minority. Although, they do seem to have a rather disquieting talent for edging their way into positions of authority. However, minor that authority will, hopefully, be. )
Then there are people who haven't experienced depression, nobody close to them has experienced depression, so it's not really something that they ever really tend to think about much. ( Perhaps I could use Wales as an example. I was born Welsh, so my experience of being Welsh, living in Wales, working in Wales, etc have been very significant in making me who I am. The same is true for Welsh people in general. However, for the British government in London, Wales is merely one, and not necessarily the most important, of the United Kingdom's concerns. The European Union probably thinks about Wales even less. Afterall, Wales is just one region, of one member-state, of the twenty-seven member-states of the EU. The people running the EU aren't necessarily any more shallow than I am, just because they think about Wales less than Welsh people do. There're just viewing Wales and the Welsh from their own perspective rather than mine or my fellow Welsh people.
And, then again, there are lots of people who are just so run off their feet looking after their own lives, jobs families, etc that they are just fully occupied with that. Or, whatever they use to distract themselves from that or relax after that. Things like sport, or Insert Country Name's Got Talent, etc, etc. In my experience there are lots and lots of people who will be as helpful as they feel that they can be. You just have to ask them clearly enough, because they're so busy.
Perhaps it's a drawback of " Western Civilisation " that so many people find themselves so busy they end up as human " doings " rather than human " beings ".

[Destination]

Overall, I wouldn't say that people who haven't experienced depression are automatically shallow or unsympathetic.

I agree with you TackingIntoTheWind, and I believe that neither BRA_Lucy or myself are saying that they are shallow or unsympathetic. I feel -- and I think I speak for BRA_Lucy here as well -- more as if I can't connect to these people in a fundamental way.

the latest movies are so…not creative…so silly...

I feel the same way about the latest movies, as if nobody in Hollywood has had an original thought for years, as if I am watching mere remakes of movies that were better when they were originals. The underlying thought here is not the movies themselves, but the fact that what makes these movies so important to other people, seems only to be a waste of time to us.

Sometimes I think that the problem is not me…is the places and people I get in touch with…because I’ve been through things that made me realize how important are other things..

Again BRA_Lucy states something that I believe others like us are feeling. I actually think that the problem is not ALL in us. Yes we contribute to our own problems, but not all of it is us. The anger we feel, the isolation and the loneliness are also from influences beyond our control. Of course we can ease some of it by living again and becoming part of society. I don't know about you guys, but my biggest problem with this is that I see society going to hell in a hand-basket and driving fast.

and seeing them all stuck in an material non-stop life makes me anger

Here I don't believe she is saying that she thinks these people are shallow or stupid. Its more that these individuals are so fascinated, so enchanted with their big screen TVs, their laptops, their cellphones, and all that other material stuff. They are interested in talking about how many babies they've had, or who slept with who. To these people, these things may be important, and there is nothing wrong with that, but people like us have a hard time connecting with those kinds of people, because we have been through times in our lives that have made us see that those things -- while nice or interesting -- are not as important to us. And it makes us angry, not at them, but at ourselves because we've lost that innocence, we've lost the ability to just relax and enjoy life like we used to.

I have often found that it is difficult to talk about things like my experience of depression with people who haven't experienced them.

What you have said right there really sums it all up for people like us. We've been to the mental wars, we are still fighting the battles. We need friends and people we can connect with, but I think we need friends that have been through those same wars and are struggling like us. Or friends that have won the battle against depression and are there to help us win as well. In a word, we need to make friends that truly understand how we feel and what we are going through.

(( hugs for all of us ))

[BRA_Lucy]

Hi TackingIntoTheWind.
I know what you mean. And I realize that there are good people out there, people who care. I have good friends and an older sister that is very close to me. They try their best to help and all, but I don’t know…I just seem to fail to explain what is missing…you know? For loving them I don’t want to talk with them about a sad subject as this and because I know they have a very busy life I try my best not to give them any more concerns…even though is important to me. I just can’t do it. The few times I talk about it, I regret. I know they care for me and want to help but they can’t help, you see? Because sometimes I just want to talk but sometimes I need a feedback…a feedback they can’t offer. They don’t know the right words or the good actions…and then…comes the pity. I don’t want that.
I’m a person that used to have great dreams, to plan my future and all, like a lot of girls…and now…I have dreams I don’t seem to be able to accomplish, and I sadly admit that I have only a few dreams. Not even close to those I used to have, and I can’t move. And that’s is happening now that I don’t feel exactly “down”, basically I’ve been more angry than sad lately, but I’m always afraid of having another episode, of being in a place where I can’t get off, to deal with those people who can’t be nice…because that’s life. There good and bad people. I know I can deal with the good people but I don’t like dealing with the bad ones. Once in my life I didn’t have any problem with that…I worked beside them the same way and it was ok…but now…their energy, their way of living, talking, laughing…destroys me and then…when that happens…I’m back at depression…
I swear to you that I don’t want to be like this forever. This is totally an outflow (is that the correct word?) I just don’t know what to do.
I see for your comments that you fully understand the limitation of others and their reality…that is great. But does it work for you? Knowing is enough?
For me…nothing seems to be enough…I usually think: why do I have to understand? Why does it have to be me all the time? Who understands me? I know…I know…the wrong questions…questions that won’t lead me anywhere…but I still can’t keep them out of my head.
But believe it or not…after I found you all here…a lot of this anger got weaker…and the questions seemed to fade a little. It’s crazy but also true.
What I mean with all this is that although I know I can’t stay away from the world, it won’t stop turning for me, I still have to use a great amount of inner energy to do the regular things. Not when there are only those few people I love, but when I have to face the world…and prepared or not…I have to be there…so what I have to say is that if I could do what Destination said about being alone, for a moment, to be with myself and breath I would. But it is not that simple…I had a few times of loneliness but I guarantee you all that I need more than some moments…I could use a month vacation…lol
You know what made very happy these days? The Olympics. I love sports but here in Brazil is 85% of the TV schedule about Football (soccer?? I don’t know with which name you know the sport). I hate this particular sport. So now I’m very sad I don’t have those wonderful people to inspire me of being someone better…they are not words…they are examples. But they are entertaining also…I won’t become an athlete like this…but it makes me happy to see the faces of those who win. They got there! I envy this feeling. I want to feel it too. But seeing them succeed gives me hope to do the same with my life and my dreams.