Depressed and so sad

[TooMuchSuffering]

Our lives are very very difficult right now. We are two committed women who have not been active romantically for over 20 years. We have been together for a torturous 38 years. I’m not all saint and she is not all sinner. Yet, I feel that I’ve been captured in a web of evil and cruelty.

Yesterday, I awoke at 5:16 am to feed our feral colony; prepare plates for them to be distributed during the day; and to empty the dishwasher and hand wash (prior to putting them in) an enormous amount of soiled dishes. (we have no hot water as our boiler broke). In addition, enormous amount of cat food cans (24 hours worth) had to be hand washed for recycling. I had offered to do the cans and plates the night before if she would empty the dishwasher. As usual, she promises to do it in “5 minutes” and almost never does without some nasty remarks and cruel body language. The reason that I ask her to unload the dishwasher is because she CHANGES the place she puts everything almost every week. Not knowing where it goes, I leave it on the counter and it stays there for days and weeks because she does not have “time” to put it away.

In addition, because our washing machine was broken there was a buildup of laundry. Yesterday, I did two loads of HER laundry, which she has yet to remove out of the dryer. I reminded her that I have a very serious knee problem that precludes me from walking up and down stairs but she seems to be oblivious and always telling me “you get it”.

Lastly, she had asked me to make bbq ribs for her. I had not been able to make them for three days prior because my knee was in such pain and I truly have not been feeling well for a week or so. It could be my diet, my diabetes, my thyroid disease or just old age. I’ve been light headed, nauseous and had a fast beating heart. All she knows is that I don’t feel well but not any details because SHE DOES NOT ASK….she assumes which means she WON’T have to do anything about it or even care.

Due to my diabetes and thyroid condition I have to eat many SMALL meals rather than one large meal for my blood sugar and metabolism. I asked her during TV watching if she could possibly heat me some soup. Keep in mind she is also not feeling well, but has complete use of her legs which I don’t. She was dozing off and on so after an hour I got up and quickly (didn’t want to stand on my aching leg too long) brought in a piece of bread, some pesto and eggplant and was in the process of making my quickie meal when she woke up. She asked me why I didn’t make the soup, and I told her that I didn’t want to stand on my leg too long waiting for it to heat and then look for a bowl etc. She looked at me and with a nasty sneer said “you’ve got to be kidding”.

“I’ve got to be kidding”???????????….after a day whereby I told her I DIDN’T feel well, did her laundry, cooked for her, got up early to do a shameful amount of dishes and cans because she wouldn’t empty the dishwasher?……and being THE ONLY one to call our creditors to keep them off our asses.

How dare she intimate (“I’ve got to be kidding”) as if I’m lazy.

I know that I’m an idiot, stupid and mentally disturbed for staying with this self indulgent "only child" who happens to be over 65 at this point. I’m so so so unhappy. It’s been this way for 38 years so I can’t blame her entirely for her bad behavior, but omg, I need to get out of here. It’s 5:35 am and I can’t sleep and I’ve not stopped my pity party for a few hours.

SOMEONE PLEASE HELP me understand my stupidity. I want out of here but I feel trapped by this monster. She thinks SHE is the victim.

I'm extremely depressed and that makes me angry.

[peaches]

i wish you the best of luck but i dont think any of my advice would be any help, if i were in your shoes id have no idea what to do, but my advice would be that if your not happy with the way you live than something should change. Do something you love, be with someone you love, and dont make yourself miserable cause you feel u have to, best of luck, hope you find happiness -peaches

[balcony]

Hi, Toomuchsuffering, welcome to the forums. I am sorry you are so unhappy in your personal relationship. Relationships always require 2 persons to make better. Is couples' counseling an option? It sounds from your post, that there are many unspoken issues here. Maybe lack of a romantic life has added to the stress for both of you, I don't know.

I do know that personal unhappiness makes everything that much harder. Sometimes it seems safer to stick with the known then try and make a change ,but often, that just leads to more anger and resentment. These are things only the 2 of you can answer.

I do hope you will find some peace and comfort here...sharing your frustrations and not feeling alone.

Take care, Hugs