I always thought that my state of being was normal for me. That the hopelessness, fear, sadness, not wanting to live "might" be depression. I could never understand that my racing mind and being angry all the time "might" be Bipolar Disorder. I still question the "might be" after trying many medications, and therapy. I have spent years on the road of personal development. But I've lied to myself thinking that I was actually changing and functioning in the world better. So, today I sit and try to see that now that I know what is going on that I have a clean canvas to work with, that I can let go of what I think (or someone else thinks) I "should" be or do. What is it that I want to do? Who do I want to be? I started at 15 doing the self-medicating. Through the years I "cleaned" that up and now I just want to be medicated. But, I create and maintain my depression with my thoughts. Or, is it that my thoughts are caused by the depression? Is there really a medication that will help?
I don't talk to the people around me of my situation. I'm very ashamed of where I find myself. Nobody really knows. I've never had a label for what I am till a couple of years ago. I've always been quiet and pulled inward. Talking to people is not something I do well. It takes a lot of energy to hide! I function in the world, as I have a full time job, a home. I thought I was feeling better years ago ( what really was a Bipolar cycle ) and have a partner of 11 years. Our relationship is more of being friends. We don't know what the future holds for us.
So, I say "Hi" and maybe there is a voice here for me..........