the past 21 years.

[shane.g]

Hi I'm new to this whole idea I've never posted on forums/blogs before my names Shane and Im 21 I've never really spoken about my life before let alone to strangers but that's because there's never been anyone to listen. before I was old enough to grasp the concept of memory my life started to fall apart.my mother was with my father for 10 years before I was born he was a carpenter and she was a nurse my father had a drinking problem but it never caused him to be violent he raised my 2 sisters as his step daughters for 10 years and they told me he was always nice it was the opposite my mother was the one with the temper 2 years after I was born my father decided to marry my mother on there wedding night she cheated on him with some Spanish slob and so began the next 19 years of hardship between the ages of 3 and 7 my mother jumped between. Abusive boyfriends while battling drug addictions I remember laying on her bad and watching her sniff coke off the bathroom sink while I watched cliff hanger with Stalone from around this time I remember her Jamaican boyfriend thomas throwing her through glass windows while I stood in the lawn as a helpless 7 year old and watched as my mom was beat to the point of unconscious ness while I could do nothing this went on for the next 2 years until I was 9 when the cops were called after my Mom was running up the street after Thomas the neighbors found me in the house crying th's police came and four.d a pound off weed and 3 8balls of coke I was taken away and given to a Foster home for several months u till my mom was thrown from a6 month rehab to jail for a year for stealing 20 dollars but I finally had a light of hope my grandmother the one person on this earth I have complete respect and love for for a year I had a great life No stress food in the fridge clean clothes on my back and a structured environment until the day my mom got out I was a child still so of course I missed my mother and wanted tl live with her again I moved with her into a one bedroom. Where I met Willie the man she meet in jail and my father figure for the next 10 years in the years that followed i watched my mother spiral again into a heroin and crack addiction and more abouse i was old enough to know what wae going on and devloped an eating problem by 15 i weighed 300 pounds by then i was the target of abuse for my mother name like fat bastard or fat f*** hunch back this is what i remeber from my teen years i devloped a slight case of scoliosis hench the name hunch back during those years I saw her try to hang her self slit her wrists just for the fact that Willie went to the bar she'd make me call there while threatening to cut herself by this time I was In rock bottom. I becand independent and started smoking my 16 year old summer consisted of smoking all day and I started to meet friends that kept me outta the house in that one summer of not being stressed I lost 60 pounds I continued smoking and hanging out with my friends I was 17 losing weight never home finally finding some type of happiness...... continued in part 2

[shane.g]

The new me didn't care I was a dick I pounded people's faces in for looking at me slamming kids against walls and desks during class heads into lockers I was expelled and had to go to a trade school I transferred to it and continued my ways then school let out for my 17th summer my friend Sean started dating and his gf introduced me to her friend Samm and the women I'd eventually love for th's next 4 years she took my mind off of things the day i met her i smoked my last ciggerette and eventually weed was gone to at 6 months our trouble started she went on a date with another guy but the head betwen my legs took over and i forgave her i love her remember every 6 months it was a cycle shed do something and my anger and loathing started pileing again i started physically and verbally abusing her that was me at 18 /19 then it just got to the point where i just didnt care id roll her on top of me finish and then wed bicker untill she left thks went on for the next year which was the third year of our relationship i didnt know what to do and tried to run i joined the army to never return i enlisted in december and left may 4 2010 on may 26 my first letter in boot camp shane im pregnant I'm in boot camp and she's pregnant I flipped my top told about my back and was kicked out so I could be apart of my child's life I got a job at Walmart and moved back in with my Mom who pretty much left me alone sense I was 6'1.and 250 pounds I wasn't a child anymore so pretty much through samms pregnancy we didn't talk I just worked and smoked and played video games on dec10 2010 my life changed forever my son Myles was born 8 pounds 11 ounces the one thing on this earth I love unconditionally he is my life at the time he was born his mother said I. Still a bad person I need to change to see my son for the first 6 month of his life I barely Saw him I found out later she was with the man that supposedly raped her 2 months before I met her 4 years ago another mind game eventually things settled.down I got a good job cooking in our towns best restaurant I got us an apartment and we moved in together she was basically a sex doll again never showing emotion never let me in mind you I haven't had a friend at this point in 4 years I literally only spoke to herbut we still had our twisted version of love I guess 7 months ago I found her texting another man I gave her 2 hours to get out of my house she was the only girl at that point In my life I slept with so when we split I went crazy 2 girls a week 3,4 then I meet let's just say M she was a child Hood friend and ex from my fat days she used to be big to but seller down to the ever sexy 130 140 range anyways were talking I'm getting hammered hey a week before my 21St birth day why not..... continued In part 3

[shane.g]

During our talk M said I didn't know Samm.was engaged mind you even though we were split up I still watched my son 5 days a week and we still messed around that night I found out she was engaged to another man while living with me sleeping with him in my bed while I worked he wasinvited to my sons first birthday when I was told it was canceled I didn't see my son for the next 3 months at 1.5 months we went to court for paternity where she admitted to chatting with 5 diffrent men around the time myles was conceived so on the 3 rd month I finally received the results he was mine that day I decided to be the bigger man I extended her the olive branch and I was able to start seeing my son again so now samms with a man she doesn't love( boo hoo for her) and wants to leave him I'm watching my son one day and I hear a news report local women choked by boyfriend yeah you guessed it break up didn't go to well(karma) me seeing her again made old feelings stir what to do I know be stupid try one more time he'll for stressful times Sake also mind you at this point I've dealt with pancreatitus for 2 years and dropping from 250 to 170 due to stress hey guess what a week after we split up guess what pancreatitus magically gone and I gain 20 any way back to the bimbo yeah she wants fake boobs I call her bimbo when I answer my phone lol yes bimbo No bimbo etc...I was thinking of being with her again I looked in a mirror and imagened the next year I'd rather choose loneliness then to be with her and be stressed you can't even trust. Her to walk to the fridge with out a dick flying in her mouth I was faithful for 4 years lost my virginity to her and all the while she was hoeing it up now i ve been alone for pretty much 6 months i have an old soul i want to find love i dont want one night stands with women i meet in bars or on the streets i want a step motherfor my son and life partner i can share my experiences with yet I can't meet the women I want I'm to loud and obnoxious I don't mean to be but very loudly and publicly I bash women my age I have No respect for them because I've yet to find one that hasn't been thrown on her back by half the town I'm 21 and I'd rather date a 30 year old that's gone through her bs phase and actually learned something from it

[crystalgaze]

Please note that the age 30 somethings may not be any better--regarding that thrown on their backs by half the town comment. YOU just might not know about it....

There is one thing I'd like to say at this point, & it's that: I love your honesty.

That is where it's at in my opinion. Now the only thing left is to do something with your honesty, & be different if you truly want to be.

I just want to commend you for doing your best to be there for your son.


About dating someone & settling down, can you try a different town then? What you want for yourself, you must also want for other people (whom you want to like you).

It is hard, but be fair & be compassionate--in spite of all of life's knocks so far. You will make it!!