Endless cycle

[Chillygirl]

And guilt.

New here but not new to depression. I tried to end it a few times in the late 90's, in the hospital a couple times, and was on depression meds till about 2 years ago. I'd done so well my doc said "call me if you need me" and said I could go off.

I've been doing great till now. Suddenly it's back. Hard to think/hard to write/hard to move. What's most frustrating is I have a pretty great life. Good job, wonderful supportive family, loving partner, fun hobbies - but it just doesn't matter. It's like going over a familiar cliff, but I am baffled why. Is it the darkness of our long winter? Cabin fever (just had surgery and haven't left the house in 5 days)? I have NO RIGHT to be this depressed. I don't dare tell my partner because he struggles with depression too, and I know if I tell him this he'll sail down the hole with me, which he doesn't deserve.

Not suicidal exactly...but I don't particularly care about sticking around either. Every sound around me echos and reverberates painfully in my head. It's almost like being drunk, but I haven't touched a drop, nor am I taking prescribed painkillers (just ibuprofen).

Not sure why I'm even here writing this. There are new stories every day. Wondering what the point is.

[balcony]

Hi, Chillygirl and Welcome to the forums. I am sorry to hear that depression has returned and with such force for you. Yes, I do believe physical issues such as surgery have a huge impact on a person. Surgery is a physical invasion and leaves emotional scars as well. Depression, however, does not need to have a reason to be present. It is not a sign of weakness or failure on your part. I hope you will continue to physically recover and take steps to get all the support and medical help you need to battle the depression. Please post and tell us how you are doing, we are so glad you are here and we wish you the best.

[Chillygirl]

Thanks balcony.

I was a little better earlier but as darkness descends outside, so does the depression. Intellectually, I know it's not a personal failing. But at the end of the day that doesn't matter - all there is is black.

Maybe next week will be better.

[balcony]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Chillygirl))))))))))))))))))))) I hope there will be some light soon.

[Mags13]

Welcome Chilly

Yes...I know what you mean. I often feel as though my brain has a mind of its own. I can be fine one day, and so dark the next.

I hope you feel better again very soon. Just hang in there. I have found that if I can remind myself that I may feel better in a few hours, or even the next day, it lessens the pain of that time...

Again, welcome.

[MissConduct]

Not suicidal exactly...but I don't particularly care about sticking around either.

YES! That's exactly what I told my doctor, but she still put me on watch and took away my sleeping pills. I can't be bothered to "end it all"...I don't even have the motivation for THAT. It's nice to know that somebody else knows that feeling too.