I'm so lost right now

[imsosad]

I have just started seeing a phyciatrist and therapist in the last 2 months. I was always the go-to person in both families, always upbeat, could always find something good in any situation. 2 years ago, it seems like everytime I turned around, something bad happened. It started with my husband having a very serious GI bleed, never did find the reason. After that we lost my sister in law, Father in law, Father, 2 friends from high school, brother in law. My Mom has alzheimer's and that is so stressful. We live with my husband's Mom. She is great but has suffered from depression and anxiety for years. She rarely leaves the house and when I do get her out, it's exhausting.
My gp has been great, always keeping in touch with me and finally in November I just couldn't do this anymore. I literally just shut down, turned off. So scary. She convinced me to try an antidepressant and see a phyciatrist. The first visit went ok, she was very nice. Because of side effects, she switched the antidepressant and sent me to see a therapist. He is very nice too. I felt better after seeing them, really hopeful, am going to work on CBT. We have had to switch AD again because of side effects, this one really activates anxiety.
Then I got so upset, had a panic attack at work, got an earlier visit with the pdoc but it's seems like it's been worse since then.
Now I feel like I'm in a pit, so sad and tired. I went to work on Friday having only had about 7 hours sleep in the last 3 days. Just can't stay asleep and started having trouble getting to sleep. I left work after only 4 hours, couldn't cope anymore. They seem understanding at work but how much will they put up?
Everyone is worried, which I hate, but I can't help it. I can't just smile and feel better. Don't they know if I could, I would???
I don't feel like my life is my own anymore.
I'm sorry this was so long but I just need someone to understand.

[balcony]

Hi, Imsosad. What a difficult story to share. You have been through so much with your physical health, and your family. I know how painful and stressful caring for an Alzheimer's patient can be, when it is your own mother, it is simply heartbreaking. I am very sorry. To then live with your husband's mother must cause a lot of conflicting feelings as well.
I think you should really be proud of how proactive you have been...seeking professional help, trying anti-depressants, and not giving up. I am glad you are here and I hope you will find some support to get you through this difficult time. Another resource at DU, is our chat room, you might like to try it and see if talking with others in a chat format helps a bit. I have no personal experience with taking anti-depressants but I am told that it can take 4-6 weeks for effect and also many times it is not uncommon to have to switch meds, and or try different combinations to best fit your specific case. Please don't give up. Thinking of you and hope to hear more soon.