I have lost who I am (possible trigger)

[strangerTOevenME]

Hi everyone. I am new here which is why I am introducing myself. I am having a really hard time right now. I have been depressed before and battled suicide and depression my entire life. I started when I was younger when I would constantly get beat by my father and my mother would always choose him over me. As a matter of fact she would choose any man over me and still does. Well because no one ever helped me and I just wanted to be happy and not have the pain I became a very forgiving and giving person. About 6 years ago I got married and I have been in love about 3 of those years and depressed 5 of those years. My mother has always sided with him and because I don’t like to talk about my problems to other people every day I must be the problem. I have tried therapists growing up and they told me that it didn’t matter what my parents did that I would worship them because they fed me (even though I would wake up every night in fear that I would get another beating.) I mean shoot my parents have locked me in a mental institution so many times, just because I was so sad that no one was helping me. I am still afraid to talk about things because I know people have it worse than me and I will share my past experiences to those who what to know them. However 99% no one believes that I could have no killed myself and be as happy as I am with so many things that have happened to me. I have never had anyone at my side and I thought when I got married I would finally have someone. Instead he takes what he can and knowing uses it to hurt me. He will even admit to this. Recently in the last two years I became pregnant and love my daughter but have fallen out of love so much due to the over amount of pain given to me by him and the constant only caring for himself. I love my daughter and I am traditional, so I want our marriage to work for my child. However, after several attempts of going to therapists and ending up the people pretty much putting the blame on him, he now refuses to listen to anyone. He constantly compares himself with really bad people and justifies how he is better. Well my father has recently committed suicide November 18th they found his body after a state wide search. Strange thing is I hurt because my daughter would have been spoiled by him, but now he is not here. I don’t really hurt, I mean it sucks that his last words were love for my mother and nothing for me. I mean what kind of person am I that my biological father tried to kill me when my mother was pregnant and now the man I call father now can’t even say goodbye to me. He mentioned his love to 7 people but not to me in the last hours of his life. I must be the shittiest person in the world. I mean I can’t even talk to my mom about the feelings you have when you get to that point because when I tried to kill myself before she laughed at me and said I should join a church group. My husband just cut me down and made me cry even more. I have tried to talk to him about why he does what he does and it is just a giant circle and I never get anywhere with him. All I want is love and affection. Recently I looked for that since I had no love from him in years or from anyone in that case and I slept with someone else. When I did I wasn’t myself and know why I did it and I do not feel bad about it. I know it is not right but the amount of things he has done to me and told me that he is not sorry for anything, I guess the years of that got to me and I fell out of love with him and I just needed some sort of a connection with someone in my life. Well either way I said before I am a really forgiving person and giving so my mother is staying with me right now and I am cutting threw all of my savings to help her in this time of grief right now. However, my husband and mother are doing nothing but mentioning how I am a person that (well in a nut shell) is rude, selfish, and childish and so forth. As far as support goes I finally had a breakdown about my dad being gone and my husband pretty said I was stupid and he had no interest to talk to me or help me. I only have the love of my daughter to keep me strong seeing her grow up and being the only influence of good in her life she would get. However, now I am being told I am a horrible mother and what time I have with her is being ripped from me and I can’t fight it I try to hard but I don’t want to argue in front of my daughter. HELP, PLEASE GOD help me get the strength to be strong to make life good for my daughter and me. I just want to be happy I just want love, support, kindness, understanding, truth, and respect. I have no one in my life. I just want to disappear at this point. I don’t want this pain anymore. It is so much pain that my arms are starting to hurt from holding back tears in my throat and the pain in my heart. When my husband was deployed things were harder but I was happier than him being back. I use to be in the military and I know I can do things on my own. I just am scared as to what I can do and offer my child as a single mom, with no support. I know I need to get away from my family and I need a divorce, but like I said I am loving and traditional. I just need support and knowledge.

Well that is me in a nutshell without going into details in my life. I am trying to get to a place where I can talk to someone but, I love military healthcare. I have been on hold this entire time of trying to find someone to talk to online and writting this story. Although I fear that I will have to be condemded by my house life if I go and talk to anyone.


It is so hurtful in my heart I cant even begin to say all that is wrong without crying.

[Obayan]

Hi. I'm so sorry that you have had to live in so much pain. But you aren't alone. We are here with you and we do understand your pain. As for your husband, I personally would rather be alone than be with the wrong person. Traditional or not, it's never ok to make someone else feel less than a human being deserving of respect and compassion.

We have a chat room here too if you wish to try it out. Might help.

[crystalgaze]

From the sound of things, you will need some sort of plan.

Do things step by step.

Make a list of what you want to accomplish, regarding your life.


Do not consider other people. What do YOU want is the 1st question, and how will you get that?

What can you safely give up/throw away in order to achieve your goal?

It will be your decision. If something is toxic to you, then please don't stay there with it. You are already strong enough. Just love yourself. Loving yourself might take a while, but think & look. There will be many things you will have to do for yourself to love yourself. Just go for it.

I am pretty sure you are already strong enough because you already see something wrong with the scenario you are living.

[Obayan]

((( crystal )))

I agree. Have to think of what is best for us first because we are the ones who have to live with the consequences of our decisions.