Years of emptiness

[Hope4Happiness]

I am a 36 year-old mother of two and stepmom to one. My youngest child is 15 and disabled with fairly serious health issues. My middle child is a honor student who will be graduating from high school this year and going on to college. My oldest who is my husband's daughter from a previous marriage has had her brushes with the law and was a teen mom.

I think I have battled depression all of my life as a result of childhood sexual and physical abuse. Not to mention neglect by my mother. I have struggled with self medication in the forms of alcohol, drugs and my favorite item of choice: food.

While I am a "functioning" adult who provides a home for my children and am able to support them financially, I rarely enjoy anything that life brings to me. I can't remember the last time I truly enjoyed a whole day without feeling overwhelmed by stress, anxiety or worry. My job pays the bills but does not feed by soul. But, because I am the sole provider for our family I am not able to just find another job (especially in today's economy).

My husband and I will be married 13 years in February, but the relationship is more like that of room-mates with occassional benefits. It has been filled with severe dysfunction over the years which only helps fuel my depression and anxiety. He is an alcoholic and my lack of self-esteem leads to my enabling his behavior.

My anxiety and panic attacks makes taking anti-depression medication difficult and almost impossible. I have been prescribed multiple prescriptions over the years only to have them set in a cabinet and collect dust.

My hope is that I will learn some tips here that will help me gain some skills to move me from this hole of darkness to a least the tunnel with light.

[Obayan]

Hi. I'm so sorry things have been so difficult for you. But you aren't alone hon. There are many really wonderfull people here who have been right where you are right now. I do hope you find the help you are looking for. We have a chat room here too if you would like to try it out.