Hello everyone,
I am the partner of a man who is dealing with depression. Does anyone have any advice on what is best to do to help? I am struggling. I feel like everything I do is wrong. I feel like I make it worse sometimes. He has asked for space (as in move out for a while), but tells me he loves me with all his heart and wants to get better so we can be happy together.
Thanks
partner of somebody dealing with depression
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Here's a scenario for you....
You've just had a great day at work, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and you whisk home to share your day with your spouse, only to find them depressed, negative and basically uninterested in what you have to share with them. In fact, it may even seem as though they're trying to draw attention away from your good day and "steal your thunder" by bringing you intotheir dark world. This is only an example, but there's more here than meets the eye. Read on.
Having a spouse that suffers from depression can be difficult. This is especially true if the other person has never experienced any type of depression. They have no way to really "feel" compassion for their partner nor can they possibly understand what the person is going through.
Here are a few tips that can possibly help you both through these trying times.
#1. When you're having difficulty with your spouses depression you need to look back and remember why you married this person in the first place. What are their good qualities? What made you fall in love with them? They're not depressed all of the time, are they? Don't they
still have most of those good qualities?
Although it's not always easy to do, you need to remember that you love this person and anything less than caring and compassion isn't fair to them. Remember your wedding vows "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, til' death do us part". So many people in
todays society "run away" when the going gets tough in a marriage. I highly recommend that you do some soul searching and looking at the good things that your spouse has to offer before you make any rash decisions.
#2. Find time for yourself. Although you do have a responsibility to your partner you also have to maintain your own sanity at the same time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking an hour or two a few times during the week and spending it by yourself or with friends. You
must have this time to retreat and regroup and get yourself together. As much as you may love your spouse, this is totally acceptable and recommended. We're all human beings and must take
breaks from time to time.
#3. Recommend that your spouse get some type of treatment. This is assuming that they haven't already done so. If this is the case, then they'll need to see the doctor again. It's highly advisable that you go with your spouse to the doctor at least one time. That way the doctor
can thoroughly explain what's happening, what you need to be aware of or watch out for, things that you can do to help, side effects of the medications, ect.
The last item "side effects of the medications" is particularly important for the spouse to understand. One of these side effects may be a lack of desire, interest or ability to have sex. As their partner, it would be very easy to take this personally, but you need to understand that it's not you, but your partner's mental state, combined with the medication that they're taking. As difficult as this may seem you need to keep in mind that this is a temporary thing and that "roses will bloom again" between you two.
#4. Be compassionate, but don't enable them. This is not meant to be cruel, but you need to be certain that they really need your help or they could become dependent on you.
This is a very fragile thing and you must be extremely careful in order not to hurt their feelings and upset them even more, but they need to begin to get back on their feet as soon as possible. Here are a few things to look for.
They were able to take care of themselves fine all day long while you were at work, but now that you're home they need everything done for them. Or, you see them perform a simple task fine, but the next time that it needs to be done they want you to do it.
Once again, this is a very fragile situation and can cause feelings to be hurt badly, but it's also important that you not let this get out of hand. This is called "enabling" and it's not helping them or you. Granted, there are going to be times when your spouse is going to depend on you for many things, but there's going to come a point when they need to try and get back on their feet. You really should not speak to them about this before consulting their doctor. This way you are not perceived as the "bad guy".
#5. Always let them know that you love them. Always give them the benefit of the doubt. They're your life partner and deserve nothing less from you.
One more thing I wanted to add to this....
It is NEVER ok to make someone else feel less than what they are. A human being deserving of respect and kindness.
It doesn't matter what the reason is. Lost his/her job... went off meds... has bipolar.... I don't care. It's never ok to abuse someone else or to hurt someone else. I don't care if they are "mostly" ok or it was "once good". If you are in pain because of someone else, seek help.
I've heard "misery loves company" for years. And ya know what, it's true. When i'm in my deepest depression what helps me most is having someone here that i know loves me. That doesn't give me or anyone else any right to hurt them.
You've just had a great day at work, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and you whisk home to share your day with your spouse, only to find them depressed, negative and basically uninterested in what you have to share with them. In fact, it may even seem as though they're trying to draw attention away from your good day and "steal your thunder" by bringing you intotheir dark world. This is only an example, but there's more here than meets the eye. Read on.
Having a spouse that suffers from depression can be difficult. This is especially true if the other person has never experienced any type of depression. They have no way to really "feel" compassion for their partner nor can they possibly understand what the person is going through.
Here are a few tips that can possibly help you both through these trying times.
#1. When you're having difficulty with your spouses depression you need to look back and remember why you married this person in the first place. What are their good qualities? What made you fall in love with them? They're not depressed all of the time, are they? Don't they
still have most of those good qualities?
Although it's not always easy to do, you need to remember that you love this person and anything less than caring and compassion isn't fair to them. Remember your wedding vows "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health, til' death do us part". So many people in
todays society "run away" when the going gets tough in a marriage. I highly recommend that you do some soul searching and looking at the good things that your spouse has to offer before you make any rash decisions.
#2. Find time for yourself. Although you do have a responsibility to your partner you also have to maintain your own sanity at the same time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking an hour or two a few times during the week and spending it by yourself or with friends. You
must have this time to retreat and regroup and get yourself together. As much as you may love your spouse, this is totally acceptable and recommended. We're all human beings and must take
breaks from time to time.
#3. Recommend that your spouse get some type of treatment. This is assuming that they haven't already done so. If this is the case, then they'll need to see the doctor again. It's highly advisable that you go with your spouse to the doctor at least one time. That way the doctor
can thoroughly explain what's happening, what you need to be aware of or watch out for, things that you can do to help, side effects of the medications, ect.
The last item "side effects of the medications" is particularly important for the spouse to understand. One of these side effects may be a lack of desire, interest or ability to have sex. As their partner, it would be very easy to take this personally, but you need to understand that it's not you, but your partner's mental state, combined with the medication that they're taking. As difficult as this may seem you need to keep in mind that this is a temporary thing and that "roses will bloom again" between you two.
#4. Be compassionate, but don't enable them. This is not meant to be cruel, but you need to be certain that they really need your help or they could become dependent on you.
This is a very fragile thing and you must be extremely careful in order not to hurt their feelings and upset them even more, but they need to begin to get back on their feet as soon as possible. Here are a few things to look for.
They were able to take care of themselves fine all day long while you were at work, but now that you're home they need everything done for them. Or, you see them perform a simple task fine, but the next time that it needs to be done they want you to do it.
Once again, this is a very fragile situation and can cause feelings to be hurt badly, but it's also important that you not let this get out of hand. This is called "enabling" and it's not helping them or you. Granted, there are going to be times when your spouse is going to depend on you for many things, but there's going to come a point when they need to try and get back on their feet. You really should not speak to them about this before consulting their doctor. This way you are not perceived as the "bad guy".
#5. Always let them know that you love them. Always give them the benefit of the doubt. They're your life partner and deserve nothing less from you.
One more thing I wanted to add to this....
It is NEVER ok to make someone else feel less than what they are. A human being deserving of respect and kindness.
It doesn't matter what the reason is. Lost his/her job... went off meds... has bipolar.... I don't care. It's never ok to abuse someone else or to hurt someone else. I don't care if they are "mostly" ok or it was "once good". If you are in pain because of someone else, seek help.
I've heard "misery loves company" for years. And ya know what, it's true. When i'm in my deepest depression what helps me most is having someone here that i know loves me. That doesn't give me or anyone else any right to hurt them.
Thanks Obayan, that's really helpful.
I have been trying to be completely supportive. He actually asked me to move out the day I wrote that post. He said he struggles to be a good partner and get through it. He is also very addicted to marijuana, and resorts to this whenever there's a stressful situation. He smokes it every night anyway, but when things at work are tough, family things are hard, he just deals with it by gettging very stoned.
He has told me recently that he has gone through the cycle of getting depressed during relationships, then breaking up with the girl, going on a health and fitness kick (and quitting smoking) and has lots of time to himself and kicks it. HOwever, he has said he doesn't want to break up with me. But lately he said he knows he can't be a good partner and beat it, so has asked me to move out. At first it hurt very much obviously - i dont feel like i ask too much of him - i do several activities most nights of the week, so he gets space. However, I said that if it's what he needs I will do it BUT you must promise to get help (professional help). He has not ever done it before. We have been together nearly 3 years and he has been up and down (I realise it now that he has admitted to depression) the whole time and shuts me out etc. I love him very muhc. So I said if I am to move out, you must break the cycle of getting space and time, going on a fitness streak because it clearly isn't a long term fix. It's been coming back and back many times. He agreed at first and promised. Then late this week told me he is making progress because he joined a forum on depression. And everyone on it told him not to go to Dr because he is smoking. their advice was to quit weed (because he can't take diazapan??) while on it. And that it's probably the weed. But if he's still up and down in a month to then go to dr. It frustrates me - they don't know him. He's quite weed before whilst with me for more than a month and the depressive behaviours do not disappear. So now he is not seeing anyone, and i feel hurt and frustrated. I love him and want him to be happy, and I believe the cycle will just continue. I'm not sure what to do. When I questioned his new tactic, he got defensive. He doesn't talk to anyone else, so I dont want to push it because I am scared he will just break all contact.
Also, he has asked me to be happy and confident only when we chat... it is hard. I miss him, love him and am saddened it's come down to moving out... at first i thought it was ok, but now it seems like he will not get any professional help.
I have been trying to be completely supportive. He actually asked me to move out the day I wrote that post. He said he struggles to be a good partner and get through it. He is also very addicted to marijuana, and resorts to this whenever there's a stressful situation. He smokes it every night anyway, but when things at work are tough, family things are hard, he just deals with it by gettging very stoned.
He has told me recently that he has gone through the cycle of getting depressed during relationships, then breaking up with the girl, going on a health and fitness kick (and quitting smoking) and has lots of time to himself and kicks it. HOwever, he has said he doesn't want to break up with me. But lately he said he knows he can't be a good partner and beat it, so has asked me to move out. At first it hurt very much obviously - i dont feel like i ask too much of him - i do several activities most nights of the week, so he gets space. However, I said that if it's what he needs I will do it BUT you must promise to get help (professional help). He has not ever done it before. We have been together nearly 3 years and he has been up and down (I realise it now that he has admitted to depression) the whole time and shuts me out etc. I love him very muhc. So I said if I am to move out, you must break the cycle of getting space and time, going on a fitness streak because it clearly isn't a long term fix. It's been coming back and back many times. He agreed at first and promised. Then late this week told me he is making progress because he joined a forum on depression. And everyone on it told him not to go to Dr because he is smoking. their advice was to quit weed (because he can't take diazapan??) while on it. And that it's probably the weed. But if he's still up and down in a month to then go to dr. It frustrates me - they don't know him. He's quite weed before whilst with me for more than a month and the depressive behaviours do not disappear. So now he is not seeing anyone, and i feel hurt and frustrated. I love him and want him to be happy, and I believe the cycle will just continue. I'm not sure what to do. When I questioned his new tactic, he got defensive. He doesn't talk to anyone else, so I dont want to push it because I am scared he will just break all contact.
Also, he has asked me to be happy and confident only when we chat... it is hard. I miss him, love him and am saddened it's come down to moving out... at first i thought it was ok, but now it seems like he will not get any professional help.
Self medicating with recreational drugs is never a good idea. I wish people could see just how much harm it actually does not only to themselves but to everyone around them. And yes, getting some counseling should be a #1 priority. Unfortunately, we can't "fix" someone else. No matter how much we want to or how much we love them. They have to want it or it just won't work. I'm sorry he's going back on his agreement with you because i do see how much you care and how much he needs the help you are trying to get him to reach out for. I hope it improves for you and for him soon.
It can be very difficult to be with a very depressed person, just ask my husband. I find when it is very bad, I can't talk, walk, etc. But, knowing he is in the other room, helps. You need to give him lots of juice and whatever else he likes to drink (except, as if have to tell you, alcohol). After a few days, I will have soup. At first, I wouldn't ask my husband for soup, but he finally and I finally have managed to communicate without speaking nor eye contact 
It is very hard, but I will tell you, it will never be you causing his depression. If you can stick it out, life for him might turn around.
And for you.
Good luck.
Sandy
It is very hard, but I will tell you, it will never be you causing his depression. If you can stick it out, life for him might turn around.
And for you.
Good luck.
Sandy
Obayan and lll,God knows I wish my spouse had cared enough about me to try to seek out understanding of my Depression,I never really needed anyone to wallow in the Depression with me,however I am sure that it did and does have a effect my family,but they have really have never understood nor would I even let them know to what degree my Depression effect me way deep inside,and yes lll there are times that you just want some space,to hide from the world and everyone in it,this doesn't mean that you Love your spouse and or love ones any less,but these feelings are beyond your control at times.
Just be there for your Spouse,sometimes the persons closest to us seem so fare away,it has help me to Volunteer with different Organizations,this way I am learning to be more open and to give of myself.
Just be there for your Spouse,sometimes the persons closest to us seem so fare away,it has help me to Volunteer with different Organizations,this way I am learning to be more open and to give of myself.
I googled "symptoms of depression". I printed out the entire list. I circled those items that pertained to me that I was experiencing. I wrote at the bottom "this is me. If you want to talk about it, we can anytime you are ready to understand more." Then i gave it to my husband and a copy to my daughter. It made it easier for me to talk to them once they had a good idea of what I was going thru. It also made me feel a lot better knowing they cared enough to want to talk and learn more. I hope this or something similar will help you.
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