Hiding behind a smile

[notwhouc]

40 years old, 3 children, husband currently works on the road and we are living with his parents while we finish buiding our house (since Nov). Hardly see hubby, and know he is chewing again, drinking quite often, and now found ----- again..... In addition to this, my parents and brother are a handful, and I have NO ONE to talk to here. I feel like I am going crazy. My chest hurts from my pounding pulse. My BP is high and the dr put me on 60 Cymbaltq and small dose Adipan or Lorzapam or something. I just feel nuts, really. I am not a crazy person. I am usually organized and can see past the moment. I am trying to be that way, but the buffer is off my mouth and I have been brutally honest with a few people today. In addition, I slapped my 11 year olds mouth when she was mouthing off (lightly, but it shocked her as it has never happened before). I have fantasized about an "accident" that would end it all for me. I keep remembering how that would affect my daughters. I also know they are strong, and 2 of the 3 would move through it easily. The third is my atenderheart, and I would hate for it to leave terrible scars on her..... I am not planning anything, but it goes through my head, lots. I won't drink, as I know that will lower my resistance. I live in a small enough town that I don't know who to talk to or who to trust. PLUS, money is an issue, of course.... Help....Where to begin. Keep pretending as much as possible and hope it gets better? Also, what about hubbys -----... will he ever quit? If he has lied before, will he only keep lying?

[Obayan]

Hi. Sounds like a really bad situation. I would suggest talking to a counselor. Every state in the usa is required by law to provide free health care to low income that can't afford it. That includes mental care as well. And if you don't qualify for the free care, they will charge on a sliding scale according to your income. You can call the local ER and get the number and addy of the nearest clinic to you. It really can help a lot. The mind can affect the physical body just as much as the physical can affect the mind. I hope you find release for these energies in a healthy way soon.