Here is my Life

[hcutie]

Here is my life sorta summed up...


“LIFE” 2/24/2011-Life flys by! Why does it? What makes us make desicions or have thoughts? Do we create them or premeditate them? Why does being in a certain place make people feel at peace or happier? To get away? Or to hide from the problems at home? What can I do to make my life better? What can I do to persuade people to look at me in good ways? What can I change so that I can keep one single friend? Keep my lips shut? Why don’t people want the truth or to be real? Very strange to me... I guess I am just dust to the world.

Travel 6/10/11
Today I am driving to visit my grandma is Arizona. It takes very long, about 12 hours. I wish I could visit her more or she lived closer. I wish I could see her more. I miss her. She has so much in common with me. Right now I am almost to Barstow, California. Few hours left on the drive. The last few weeks have been very hard for me. My mothers boyfriend Mike which she was dating for 7/8 years passed away of a sudden heart attack. I am very scared to pass away. I don’t want to lose anyone else in my family. I am scared of the unknown. I hope and believe that we will all be united in Heaven but I am scared if that’s not what happens. I don’t want it to happen like that. I want everyone to live forever. It was such a shock when my mom came over and said he died. I was so sick to my stomach I didn’t know what to do. Hopefully this short weekend trip will cleanse me from the past few weeks. I can’t imagine losing my grandmother or anyone else in my family. My grandpa passing away was already too much to handle and Eleanor. I hate when people get old. It really sucks. I don’t want Ivan’s Gma to pass away-Margaret. She is so lovely and sweet but yet so frail and old, I am so sad sometimes when I am around her. I don’t want to be left in this world alone. I wish my mom could have come to visit her mom which is my grandma. I don’t know how to handle any of this stress and confusion. My friends are acting so stupid and selfish right now too. I hope it gets better. What have I done to them? I have no idea. I am always there for them when they need someone and I just ask for a little in return. Is that too much to ask? What the hell. I am so angry at my friends sometimes. Like they don’t want or need me in there life. I guess they aren’t real friends in the end. Even little shit we do for them they would never do for me and Ivan. Other friends just only talk to me when they realize they haven’t talked to me for hella months. I am so tired of living here. I want to move to Ireland but I don’t want to leave the family I have here. I am so torn. My family has more issues now then ever. My mom first of all her boyfriend passed away and she is living in a huge house by herself. The house requires more work than one person can handle. I can’t always be the one who comes to the rescue. Her house is jam packed full of junk and antiques which she never uses. I wish she would sell it or do something with it all and not store it. My sister is lazy and never leaves their apartment. Ever since she met her bf..she has been so mean to me and when I called her out on it she said she isn’t. Such bullcrap lies. She gives me so much attitude. Its not about what you say its about How she says it or portrayed. I am sorry If I am over judging or something but that’s what it clearly comes across as. My brother is living with his girlfriend, Which no one likes. She is so cruel. She thinks she is the most beautiful person alive when she clearly is not because she can’t even get a modeling career. So sad. I can’t stand her. His first girlfriend was so outgoing and so adventurous like him. She laughed a lot with every one and goes places with us. His new gf doesn’t even smile or laugh. She thinks everything is stupid. She is stupid for having no humor in her life. She is so emo and anorexic its not even funny. Its like EAT! You can clearly see that she is giving her food to him. Why do you think my brother gained weight? Or maybe cuz he doesn’t get to do what he truly loves anymore. My other brother lives very far away and barely get to talk to anymore so Its hard to say anything there but It is sad that we don’t talk as much as we want. When I tell him to not tell people I said something he just tells my dad but then my dad tells everyone. I don’t want people to know for reasons. I want to be left alone. My dad is living in a small apartment and lives with my cat. I wish he would invest in a home or something. Its so sad seeing him live there with like no yard and around too many foreigners that rent apartments now. His old apartment was practically burnt down by some stupid family cooking at 4am. The front of his truck was burnt off. I wish he would be somewhere he could be happier. I don’t like seeing my dad live like that. My fiancé’s father is really struggling and I feel like it’s too hard to help him. He is so stubborn. We are trying to help everyone at the same time and it does not work. I feel like I am trying to help everyone but myself. I know all my efforts will work out in the end. I hope so. I have to have faith. I wish I could make people happy and when I fail its very hard on me. I feel like I m giving so much effort but not everyone is. Where are people when you need something? I feel like a slave to their happiness that never succeeds. I wish I could make people realize how much potential that people have. They are very successful people and can do great things. This is where I need to pull my reins back and let them live the life they want. I cannot change people, when I help do not complain how hard your life is..mine is hard by just listening and helping you. I never have time for myself but things are going to change. This is my life. You cannot make people do anything but only help and guide. God knows that I am a helper and healer to people and animals. I know I am great. I don’t understand when people just ignore me and act like their better than me. I never want nor intend to be “better” than others. I am happy for them and that’s all that matters. When I hear people daily talking about their lives…they get upset if I say something slightly about mine..”Im bragging”. What?! Are you insane? I just sat here listeining to you for hours about you and your life and when I say one thing about mine..you get mad? I don’t understand people. Very strange. I am confused about human life. What do people intend on doing with their lives when they fill it with complete and utter stress or making bad decisions daily? I keep going back to wishing I could help people but in reality I can’t. I am just going to offer my help and nothing more. No Advice either because it only hurts me and back fires in the end. This is a daily mental struggle within my head everyday. Wishing I could help more. If people put up barriers around their lives than I have no choice but to walk away. I am not saying it doesn’t affect me, it really does. I think its time I concentrate on myself. My inner being. I can only change and help myself. I am the only one who is willing to work with me.
So, there is many more things to say but this for now. It’s a lot already. There is issues within the issues. Such as my mom-her house. I have offered to help her with many things around the house and go through and get rid of. Out with the old in with the new. She always says Not Now. Well then when? If you promise too many tomorrows you end up with too many yesterdays. Like I said the house she lives in is depressing to even visit. It’s an old Victorian home that was built in the 1920’s. One thing it is haunted. With good or bad spirits I do not know. Second, she collects and continues to purchase things. Such as antiques or things from the thrift store. Its not like she displays them or anything. They are everywhere. Her basement is full of junk that is barely ever used. Her backyard is a utter mess. It’s sad to say I do not know much about my mom. Its like she never wants to tell me things or the truth about anything. I don’t know if she is still drinking or doing something else. She claims her toe is broken which was years ago and is taking vicodin for it. Why not just fix it? I wouldn’t want to live with pain. Every time there is a chance for some kind of gossip she calls my grandma. So when my mom is mad or upset at you. Gma will be too..when Gma doesn’t even get to hear our side. I hope in my heart she knows there is more to the stories. I wish sometimes my grandma would understand me more than I want her to. It’s so hard to talk to her like I used to. I wish It was easier. I wish my mom didn’t call her so much and make her upset. She doesn’t need that stress in her life.
I wish my mom and dad never divorced. It broke up our family more than they realize. I barely talk to my siblings as much as I used to. I wish we all talked more. I wish they could feel like they could tell me anything. I just want to be here for them. I don’t know what do to anymore. I wish I could change time and go back and fix things. I miss my family being together. It hurts deeply but it will never shows on my face. I don’t like people to think I am upset when I really am. It’s hard to me to tell them how I am feeling because they will just make excuses. Like its not a big deal your just delusional. When it really is. I think I over analyze things. I maybe think too much over and over about something. Here I am blaming myself again. Maybe it is my fault or their fault. I do not know. I need to break away and I think its time to move. I am not moving for other people nor to leave the problems. I think its time for me. I am going to work on myself. No helping people unless they help me. I am going to work on my health and work on my depression and anxiety. I am also going to get help for my Phobia for driving. I need to man up and own the road. I am in control now. I am in control of my life. I am not quitting. I think I am finally broken from the chain that I have been linked on. I am going to make the world a better place. Now that I think about it, maybe people know my weakness is helping people. So they use me for my benefits. I am going to say no unless we have help from them. I need to stop “thinking” about stuff. This is my life. My wedding is coming and I am going to test the help I get. This will be a fun experience. I am going to enjoy life from now on. This is my time to change. Now or never.


Today 6/11/11

My trip is going better than expected. I am finally able to talk to my grandma the way I want. She has a lot of good advice about how to help my mom. I wish she had come on the trip with us. Its always-funny how things work out. My life is such confusion. I don’t know what I am doing some days. Like what is this life?
Hello Journal 6/15/11
I am finally back from my trip to Arizona. It really gave me clarity on life, friends and family. I am setting boundaries for friends from now on…if you want to hangout with me or talk to me…I am no longer making the effort-they need to try a lot harder if they want to be my friend. I have very few friends but I want to be treated right. It’s not fair to treat people like they have treated me. I have also said to myself that for family-I am only helping all that are willing to be cooperative. I am not working with stubborn people. It is only affecting my life in a negative way. I am going to concentrate on MY life only right now. I am young and I don’t see anyone helping people the way my fiancé or I do. We need to be acknowledged for our actions. It is only fair. You don’t see my sister or brother doing anything. They are just prancing around their stupid boyfriends and girlfriends. You should never change yourself for anyone. You should always be you. If you can’t be yourself around someone how can you ever be yourself? Your not being true to oneself. There is so much to say but will anyone ever listen? Its funny how when friends or family need me…I am always there to support them but when it comes to my life and when I am in need…I don’t have one friend calling me. How sad people can be. So selfish. I am my own true friend. I love myself and if no one loves me back...tough luck. I have so many great talents and I am such a loving and caring person and people are just jealous and that is not my fault. They need to stop looking at others and better themselves. I am so great and thankful for the people who do love me and do appreciate me. I am so thankful for being engaged to the most wonderful guy I have ever met. He makes me so happy and I don’t know what I would do without him. I am finally feeling better after writing all this down. The problem is not me I have realized. I have a great life. It was interesting. I told my grandma about my friend situation and she said “You don’t need friends that have problems” and it totally woke me up. It made me think…your so right grandma. I don’t deserve that. I deserve kind loving people who appreciate me for me. My fiancé and I have lost so many friends due to couples who always having problems or they just hate that me and my fiancé get along so well. We can talk and talk and laugh like we were friends for years. I have been with him for almost 10 years but still we are best friends. I couldn’t be happier. I am not saying we are perfect because everyone has random flaws but we like our flaws. We always agree to disagree and just laugh about it. The biggest most important thing we have is communication. If we didn’t talk so much we would still be mad about the stupidest little things that happened years ago. We talk talk talk and talk. We are so close. Our problem is keeping friends. Maybe they are jealous of what we have??