what the day has in store (Triggering Material)

[VikkiMc]

Where to start on introductions... Been depressed probably throughout my life. Been medicated a couple times for short times. This time, been dealing with too many major triggers at once and have been going to doctors and taking meds for over a year now.
2 years ago, I left my husband, moved out of state, bought a house, got a new job. Day 1 of the new job, knew it was a mistake and wouldn't work out. (teaching) Tried anyways, did a great job if you measure by where the rest of the students in my grade level were at and still got harrassed daily by my boss who had nothing to do because of the chaos that the 'school' was in. My husband (not divorced) started dating immediately, I contemplated suicide many, many days. (We were still seeing each other at least once a month) Had a plan. Talked daily to a friend who helped a ton. The friend is my husband's friend as well but he has been loyal to me. My husband had an affair and told me about it and the 2 of them called me on my birthday to cuss me out. My sister in law died the next day. I left for 'home' (with my husband) got in trouble at work for leaving early and other things that I had nothing to do with. Decided to go back home at the end of the school year. Made nice with hubby - maybe to spite someone. Messed up serious vacation plans with him and basically lost it. Was sent home by the principal, asked to produce medical permission for meds taken. Had to go 400 miles back home where I had a doctor since I didn't change yet. And was told not to come back. Never had a bad evaluation at all. Even the day before I was sent home, I was told I was doing good.
Been over a year, not working. Afraid to try really. Afraid that I can't do all that is needed to get a job, let alone the job itself.
Hubby and I are back and doing ok. He's an alcoholic and will probably die from it sometime in the next few years. My friend and I talk daily and hubby doesn't like it, so I hide it. But I know where I'd be without him.
Hate taking meds. Have stopped but periodically need to go back on them. I lie to the pschy. about taking them and not drinking because I don't handle stress at all. Stress breaks me and I will cut myself to relieve it. Hubby has seen the cuts, but doesn't do anything really about it. I'm cutting less lately which is good, but that's because I don't want to talk about it and being summer, their visible and can't cover them.
That's about it for me.

[hollyann]

Hi Vikki, welcome to the forums. I'm sorry you lost your job and are scared of working. Have you thought about applying for disability? Glad to hear you are doing s/i less. ou should really talk to your doctor about the meds/alcohol and the s/i. He miht be able to adjust the meds so that you feel better without all that. (((((Vikki))))))))

wishing you the best
Holly

[crystalgaze]

Hi Vikki and welcome. One step at a time is what comes to mind.

With the work thing (teaching), I think you did a good job. You--at least--tried. Kudos for that.

About the self-harm and your husband's [in]action, if I were in your shoes, I would not rely on him to do anything about it. Now here's why: From what you've said, he appears to have a problem of his own--the alcoholism. From all that I've ever heard about it, it can be quite destructive.....

Just be careful, ya?

With trying for work, can you try something that you think you are qualified for or will be less stressful--even if it is small?

As an outsider looking in, the relationship you're in doesn't look healthy. (I know the cheating thing would've bothered me.) Try hard to get yourself back in a state where you can be more functional and so you don't have to settle, especially if you don't want to. I think the key is just trying to keep as many options on the table as you can.

It's a lot to do, but I don't know of anything in life that comes without effort. Do your best. I'm sure you can triumph.

(Just so you know, I'm not judging you or anything or telling you what to do. It is ultimately up to you.)