Hi There

[mheart]

I'm 38 years old and have struggled with depression my entire life. My depression seems to be getting worse the older I get. I had a nervous breakdown about three years ago and fell into a very deep dark debilitating depression for around two years. I found and started going to a meditation class and started meditating on a daily basis and I have to say that 2009 was the best and happiest year of my life. I had never felt so hopeful or optimisitc about the future. I was unemployed for the two years after my breakdown, but was fortunate enough to find contract work last year. I was living in Seattle and working in Massachusetts for three weeks at a time. In January of this year, I was offered a permanent position and moved to Massachusetts. I'd like to say that I'm doing well, but I'm not. I haven't felt this bad in a very long time. I struggle to get out of bed and go to work everyday and when I get there I just try to hold myself together enough to make it through the day. It's affecting my relationships with people at work which is very hard. I feel so completely out of control and I feel like I can't do anything right now to help myself. I thought I would give this forum a try. Use it as a way to express myself and relate to others who might be experiencing the same things or who might have suggestions on coping. Thanks

[lisalou]

First of all,welcome to the forum mheart,I'm glad you've found us here and I hope you find it a comfort to be able to talk to people in a similar boat. I'm sorry that things are so black for you. It's a big thing to move to a new town and no wonder you feel lonely and overwhelmed. Have you tried looking around to see what activities are available in the area so that you might find something to distract yourself and meet new people? I appreciate how hard it is to socialise when suffering depression but sometimes taking that step can make a big difference. Maybe there will be a meditation class somewhere near,it sounds like that's something that really benefited you. I have just started going to a meditation drop in and find that it gives me a small sense of peace (albeit briefly!) A huge well done to you for still managing to go to work despite the depth of your depression. Is there any one person there you feel a little close to you could maybe try to get to know a bit better and talk to? don't be ashamed to have a break from work if you feel it would help and if you truly feel you can't function there anymore. I'm currently off work myself on a three month outpatient programme at our psychiatric hospital. The fact that you manged to recover from your breakdown before and feel positive and optimistic about life again proves that you can do it again and that you are a fighter! Be proud of yourself,everything,every little thing you manage to do in a day of depression is a triumph. Each day try to think of three things you have achieved and three things you have enjoyed (sometimes these may seem like vey little things but they are huge when you consider what effort they took)

I wish you luck and hope in your battle against this horrible illness. and depression IS an illness like any other. Don't beat yourself up,you are not a weak person,just an ill one

Love Lisa

[mheart]

Thanks Lisa. Yes, I'm trying to put together a list of things to try/do to kind of get myself moving again. I know I've been isolating myself for the last several months. I lock myself in my apartment as soon as I leave work which is terrible. Lying around listening to an endless loop of my own negative thoughts isn't helping. Last week I called my insurance to get approval for counseling. I haven't been sleeping well and night before last I didn't sleep at all but felt ok yesterday so I went to the gym and to the library to check things out and see what they had to offer. Picked up some melatonin for my insomnia. Taking my vitamins especially omegas. I think I might also try a Reiki session. Today, I am going to go to a meditation class. My moods have been up and down a lot lately and I think I'm in an upswing right now which is going to come down soon. I'm trying to prepare myself for that. I have a lot of disappointment in myself. There are times when I just feel like such a failure at life. I get tired of the struggle. But, I've tried suicide and I know that deep inside I don't want to die. I want to live. So, I try to remember how I felt last year when I first discovered how beautiful life can be and hope that I can feel that again soon.

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((mheart))))))) that's a hug...i know how frustrating it can be to find happiness after long bouts with depression only to lose it. I once had a two year stint of happiness for the first time in my adult life, only to suffer tragedy, trauma, and losses and have been on a downward spiral ever since culminating with the man I hoped to spend the rest of my life with harshly dumping me.

All change can be stressful and induce depression for people like us, even good change, so I agree with ((((((((Lisa)))))))) that the move and going back to work full time probably has a big effect. Good for you for checking into counseling and going back to meditation! Any other factors that you can think of that may have contributed to your happiness before you can recreate or rebuild?

And good for you for getting out to the library...as hard as it is when we naturally want to isolate, I think the more we get out and socialize a bit even with strangers it helps. Any way to invite a co-worker for coffee or drinks or to dinner after work? Do you have old friends you can talk to on the phone?

Anyway, big *hugs* and welcome to the forum! We have a nice little family here and people are so caring, they have become a lifeline for me and writing out feelings helps. Check out the chatroom too if you feel like it!

Welcome and wishing you light and peace in your day...

[OverloadedMom]

I'd like to say "Welcome" to begin this....
I understand how you can believe that as you get older, it seems you feel worse. I've been there myself, but mine is mostly due to my medical problems & my family. I was thrilled to hear how you were feeling better & took a GIANT step by taking that job out-of-state & "throwing caution to the wind" as my Daddy use to say.
I have the feeling by what I read, you don't have many people around you, that are not work related. If that's the case, I can see how tired you are of having to put on that "Happy Mask" for everyone to NOT know you are unhappy. I too have to do that. It makes you feel very alone, and you tend to believe you HAVE to do it so no one knows you're depressed.
As for Control.....over 4 years of therapy I have learned this, "Control ONLY the things you Can", and try to let "The Little Things be Little, and the Big things be Big".
By reading your intro, I see you DO have strength within you. But there are some times in our life where we need to wake up, face the day, and say to ourselves....Today I will try NOT to control EVERYTHING! I will take small steps & be happy I was able to accomplish what I did today. There is always tomorrow to climb up another step of that mountain that is in front of all us. Please remember, and I think this is REALLY important.... Start a journal, and remind yourself that there are Others Just Like You. Even though you believe you are All Alone, and you have convinced yourself no one or nothing can be worse that what you are dealing with. You must start by getting out of that chair, walking to the door & opening it.....But NOT like your place is on fire. Small, steady steps, and tell yourself that with each day brings hope and POSSIBILITIES. And if the day gets hard while you are away from home, tell yourself that you MUST come to that place you have others to lean on and you KNOW will understand.
I awake as a Failure Daily, and with each day I have MANY new challenges. I, (unlike others) must get over the 1st hurdle that is my illness & physical disability. Once I am out of bed, the 2nd hurdle is making myself eat breakfast, and so on.

I have had a few comment from 1 particular person here that almost scared me off.....but after reading all the other comments both here and on my Blog...I came to realize, That One person is hurting pretty bad to criticize me & say things that should never have been said. And that was just 1...JUST 1 Bad Apple in the barrel. Everyone else made me feel like I had the best of the best when it came to people who will listen & understand. And I REALLY hope you will try to see that, and learn to open up when you feel like exploding.
You have More control of yourself than you know....and sometimes it takes a person who is NOT your family to tell you they have a shoulder to cry on, big ears to listen, and the ability to understand better than anyone....because we are in the same boat as you.

Wow, I wrote a book here....sorry about that. I was just wanting you to know that myself & the others here will ALWAYS be here to help you get through your tough times. We won't make you feel embarrassed if you're crying, (mostly because we've been there! Oh and we can't see you through your computer screen! lol ha ha) and if you are down & hate the world, we can be there to help pick you up & put you back on your feet.
That is what I have come to learn, and to love about having this wonderful Support Group of people living a life very similar to mine.
They REALLY DO know what we're going through...and sometimes just hearing them say "I Understand - I know how That is - or "Sending Cyber Hugs" can make a HUGE difference.

I hope my "Book" gives you a sense of Belonging....because that was what I received when I first joined. And if I can EVER be there when you need someone, just shout my name......!!
Hugs, Donna

[Peep212]

Welcome to the forums. This si a safe place to vent, and find others that feel like you do. The added extra stress of moving has probably sent you this new curve, and dealing with that can be tough. Hgs.

[mheart]

I just wanted to say "Thank you" to everyone. It's so different to be able to express myself and have others understand. It means a lot and makes me feel not so alone.

[Peep212]

mheart, you are among friends here, and we truly do care about you and each other. you are now part of our family, and encourage you to vent out what is going on with you. if you think a post of yours might be triggery to others, just put tha tin the title of your vent, and then everyone will know and be warned. hugs, you are among family now