Hi
Normally I regard these depression forums sort of.. I don't know.. a waste of time. Lately, however, I've just been so miserable and no other way to get it out of my system except turn to the bottle and talk to a wooden stick figure. So I've to give this a try. This is probably gonna be really long but hell I'm typing for myself here anyways.
I've never been a very social person and I have always had a big fear of rejection. I was never the one to ask my friends out, they always had to ask me out. Now I'm 21 and my only friends are two online friends.
What I fear most is losing those only two friends I have. I've had them for over five years and we've gamed together quite a lot. Not anymore though. Last summer failing at a job had and eventually quitting I suffered a major breakdown and got delusional. I'm pretty sure the breakdown distanced those two friends because I was spouting my delusional crap at them as well... since then I've felt I've no longer been a part of the circle of friends we used to be. It's my own fault though because I no longer enjoy online gaming or doing things together. Mostly I just feel jealous during any games we play, because they enjoy it and I just don't...
I hate myself so damn much cos of constantly feeling jealous and miserable. It sometimes goes to the stage where I create new and better personalities for myself in my head. One time I pretended I was a victorian gentleman.
My mom doesn't help much either. She works at a ship and is at work every other week. The time she is home she spends drunk and miserable and I'm afraid I'll become just like her. She has no hobbies and she just stares at the floor being drunk, sometimes she watches TV. Dad just doesn't want to see that there is any problem.
I've deeper issues as well but I won't go to them now. It just feels a bit better to open up, even though it's a forum. I can't open up to my two friends because I'm afraid they're just too tired of me constantly being miserable. I know from experience with my mom nobody likes to be around someone like that.
Hello peeps
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
Welcome to the forums!
I can so relate to the friends part...used to have a ton of friends, including many close ones, all gone...like the quote you used! Anyway, have found good support and a kind of friendship on this site where people support each other and can be anonymous so less chance of being hurt...
Of course, you know, watch the booze because its a depressant and can make things much worse.
I too had a "delusional" sort of episode after severe trauma, grief, and depression...complete breakdown. Mine lasted a over a year and no medicine or therapy touched it. Ah well. At least I'm sane today, depressed and miserable as can be and anxiety ridden, but essentially sane.
Yes, people often do get sick of hearing about our sorrow and unhappiness, which is one thing nice about being here...people here can relate and if they don't want to hear it, they can scroll or skip the post! Think you'll find people here very supportive though and caring, as I have.
So welcome. You are among new friends.
I can so relate to the friends part...used to have a ton of friends, including many close ones, all gone...like the quote you used! Anyway, have found good support and a kind of friendship on this site where people support each other and can be anonymous so less chance of being hurt...
Of course, you know, watch the booze because its a depressant and can make things much worse.
I too had a "delusional" sort of episode after severe trauma, grief, and depression...complete breakdown. Mine lasted a over a year and no medicine or therapy touched it. Ah well. At least I'm sane today, depressed and miserable as can be and anxiety ridden, but essentially sane.
Yes, people often do get sick of hearing about our sorrow and unhappiness, which is one thing nice about being here...people here can relate and if they don't want to hear it, they can scroll or skip the post! Think you'll find people here very supportive though and caring, as I have.
So welcome. You are among new friends.
Hey, thanks for the reply and welcome shatteredhopes.
I don't want to feel happy out of others' misery but it's nice to see there's others in the same situation and that I'm not alone in my misery :S . It'd be nice if no one had to be miserable but the world just doesn't work like that.
Yeah the booze is a nasty trap. It provides temporary relief and then ya get hooked to it if you aren't careful. A couple o days ago I downed over half a bottle of bacardi (0.5 litre/17 fl oz. bottle) and a glass of white wine. The next week I've decided to be on the dry.
Man, sounds like you had it bad. I haven't had to deal with trauma fortunately :S . The ironic thing in being delusional is you actively avoid getting treatment, at least in my case. Sometimes I stupidly hope I'd be in my own delusional imaginary world again where things seemed a bit brighter but I know that's the dumbest thing to hope for because then I'd be sure to lose the last bit of friends I have.
It's good you got past it though. I was in that phase for only three months or so but I couldn't imagine being a year like that. Do you go to any therapy now or get any kind of treatment?
I don't want to feel happy out of others' misery but it's nice to see there's others in the same situation and that I'm not alone in my misery :S . It'd be nice if no one had to be miserable but the world just doesn't work like that.
Of course, you know, watch the booze because its a depressant and can make things much worse.
Yeah the booze is a nasty trap. It provides temporary relief and then ya get hooked to it if you aren't careful. A couple o days ago I downed over half a bottle of bacardi (0.5 litre/17 fl oz. bottle) and a glass of white wine. The next week I've decided to be on the dry.
I too had a "delusional" sort of episode after severe trauma, grief, and depression...complete breakdown. Mine lasted a over a year and no medicine or therapy touched it. Ah well. At least I'm sane today, depressed and miserable as can be and anxiety ridden, but essentially sane.
Man, sounds like you had it bad. I haven't had to deal with trauma fortunately :S . The ironic thing in being delusional is you actively avoid getting treatment, at least in my case. Sometimes I stupidly hope I'd be in my own delusional imaginary world again where things seemed a bit brighter but I know that's the dumbest thing to hope for because then I'd be sure to lose the last bit of friends I have.
It's good you got past it though. I was in that phase for only three months or so but I couldn't imagine being a year like that. Do you go to any therapy now or get any kind of treatment?
Welcome,
It is so hard to have such bad feelings inside, and afraid to burden your friends with your thoughts because you are worried about losing them.
I was very much an introvert for the first 48+ years of my life. Then I got to the point in my life that I was able to trust people with my feelings. It was a surprise to me that my friends were "true friends" and didn't desert me in my difficult time.
Now it has come to a couple years later and I am seeming to getting deep into the depression thing again. I know that I leaned on them heavily during that period of my life.
After leaning last time, even though they tell me that if I have problems to just level with them and they won't leave me, I am still afraid of bringing up just how poorly I feel.
That is one reason why I am so grateful to be able to sit down at the computer, and type out my problems to be read by the members of the forum. I know that they are read, and often get replies.
Hope that you get the chance to let us know how you are feeling about stuff that is going on in your life.
Once you have posted a message for the first time here, you instantly become part of our depression forum family.
Again, welcome
It is so hard to have such bad feelings inside, and afraid to burden your friends with your thoughts because you are worried about losing them.
I was very much an introvert for the first 48+ years of my life. Then I got to the point in my life that I was able to trust people with my feelings. It was a surprise to me that my friends were "true friends" and didn't desert me in my difficult time.
Now it has come to a couple years later and I am seeming to getting deep into the depression thing again. I know that I leaned on them heavily during that period of my life.
After leaning last time, even though they tell me that if I have problems to just level with them and they won't leave me, I am still afraid of bringing up just how poorly I feel.
That is one reason why I am so grateful to be able to sit down at the computer, and type out my problems to be read by the members of the forum. I know that they are read, and often get replies.
Hope that you get the chance to let us know how you are feeling about stuff that is going on in your life.
Once you have posted a message for the first time here, you instantly become part of our depression forum family.
Again, welcome
Hi and thanks for the reply Monty 
Yeah my friends did actually support me quite a lot and I'm grateful for them that they didn't ditch me. I'm glad that your friends didn't ditch you either. It's very fortunate to have friends like that and that's why I don't want to lose mine.
I do hope this forum will be a better outlet for me so I can keep my depression and friends apart and that they don't have to deal with it.
Yeah my friends did actually support me quite a lot and I'm grateful for them that they didn't ditch me. I'm glad that your friends didn't ditch you either. It's very fortunate to have friends like that and that's why I don't want to lose mine.
I do hope this forum will be a better outlet for me so I can keep my depression and friends apart and that they don't have to deal with it.
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