Hi Grace
How did it go with your physical?
Sorry for the late reply. I have been also having sleep problems, with only 2-4 hour sleep daily. In the past few days, it’s been 2 hours. Whenever I sit down to do something, I keep dozing off. I actually dozed off about 10 times while writing this lol. I’m just so tired but can’t sleep, only doze.
A sleep center could be a good option for you if it comes to that. As you said, we can’t live a healthy and happy life, let alone function properly, if we don’t get a good night’s rest.
The fact that you were feeling relatively OK is good! Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking that we need to feel amazing or happy. But it's perfectly fine to feel just OK. I often rate each day rather than how I’m feeling overall. I may feel like the grim reaper overall, but each day varies.
Oh, Spleefy is my name on a multiplayer server where I am recognized as a Spleef God
I created the name because I love the game spleef.
I'm glad it helped. Everyone copes in their own way. I just wanted to add a different perspective to depression and ways of looking at things. Depression can motivate us to the next level in our lives when we are able to channel its frequency and utilize it.
I love to watch movies. Who doesn't? xD. I just finished the twilight series again.
There are tons of movies that I enjoy. I particularly like sitcoms or movies with sequels because the experience is immersing.
The Rocky series is one of my favs because of the message it conveys. You see, it's not about the boxing, it's about overcoming hurdles both in and out of the ring. There is actually a quote from Rocky Balboa (Rocky VI) that resonates with me:
"
The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit -- it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done..."
What I love about the series is that Rocky goes through more than most of us would ever imagine going through. He loses his trainer/friend and then another close friend. When he retired, he missed being in the ring. A young fighter begged Rocky to train him and Rocky eventually agreed. This made Rock feel alive again and relive his days in the ring. He gave this young fighter his heart, passion, time, energy and trust… only to be betrayed.
Rocky ages more as time goes on. All he has left are his memories, with an estranged son and his wife that lost her battle with cancer.
He also eventually loses his brother-in-law. A few years later, he finds out he himself has cancer. Despite these obstacles and struggles, he holds his head up and “keeps moving forward”.
I also like romantic genres, such as "The Love Letter" and "Somewhere in Time". Both films have a similar concept in that the protagonists meet their soul mate through the chasms of time. Just the exotic notion that you could have a soul mate or a great love in a completely different era moves me. If this was the case, then I might be doomed in any chance of meeting mine :O lol
What about you? What movies do you enjoy? What movies resonate with you and moves you?
If you want, I can send you some links to the motivational vids I listen to. I listen to them over and over for hours at night while writing or doing something on the PC.
We so easily tell ourselves how much we are ugly, worthless or useless and will never be good enough. We tell ourselves all kinds of things that are self-destructive, self-defeating, and self-sabotaging.
And yet...
When we try to tell ourselves that we are amazing, beautiful, worthy and that we are good enough, we feel awkward doing it because we think we are telling ourselves lies making it feel "wrong", unnatural, and forced.
I find it helps to listen to my personal life coaches (though the vids). I also put in the effort to tell myself all the time how amazing I am and that I love myself. I give myself a hug every day. I tell myself that I have much to contribute and to live for. I tell myself I can AND will thrive because I was born for a reason. My life purpose is out there and I must fulfil it, not waste my life telling myself how worthless or useless I am.
If we repeat these positive affirmations enough, we’ll start to believe it. Fake it till we make it, so to speak. It’s only a matter of time before it becomes a conviction.
The most powerful conversations we have is with ourselves — our internal dialogue. Such conversations are typically full of self-doubts, criticism, and dislike.
As for friends, you’ll make some wonderful real life friends, Grace. You’re such a pleasure to talk to and you’ve got a warm and nurturing personality. People are drawn to those qualities. It may even happen when or where you least expect it, as many things in life do.
You are definitely not alone. None of us are. There is always someone out there who is going through similar experiences, both good and bad. And there are always people out there who will listen and who you will connect with.
For myself, the depression returned recently. I believe it’s because my life was becoming stagnant. I’ve been under a lot of stress and strain, particularly in the past two years when my nan passed. During this time, my grandfather’s health rapidly declined until he eventually “pulled the pin”, as he put it, and I went to see him every day on his deathbed.
I am also a full-time carer for his son, who has special needs. I reassured my grandfather and promised him that I will continue to provide care for him and give him the best life possible. On the day before pop passed, I gave him "permission" to go. I told him, “it’s ok, pop. You can go now. Go be with nan, she is waiting for you. We will be alright”. He mumbled something that night, which I assume was when he was close to crossing over…
A nurse called me 2 am that morning and told me he had passed.
While my heart had shattered, I remained calm and just said thank you the nurse for letting me know. I hung up the phone, nodded my head and smiled. While I was sad that he passed, I was happy for him. He was on his deathbed for a week, waiting for this moment. I knew he was finally at rest and peace and with his soul mate. He no longer has to endure the physical and emotional pain that he did in the 2 yrs since nan passed. I was happy for him but grieving for myself because I miss him so.
But for a while I’ve been so caught up in the role of being a caregiver, that I neglected myself in the process and became very unfufilled in my own life. Depression is coming back to help me through this again.
Depression is just a messenger. Depression is not there to give us sympathy or show us mercy. It’s there to give us a hard kick up the backside and make us either do or die. It forces us to tap into everything we have to thrive. Heck, I’ve even turned to Jehovah lately because of depression. Every night I talk to him to give me the strength to get through this, to give me clarity, to heal me and take away the pain, to love me.
I try to "play around" with depression to find myself again. Use it to explore options, to explore your values, your thinking, your diet… everything!
I know how hard it is to do this when you have depression because you are in such a dark place and just feel like you don’t have anything left. That's OK, it will be hard. But if take one day at a time, channel its frequency and tune in, you will gradually find your way out of the darkness again.
The first signs of depression was when I was 13. However, I managed to find a formula to get through it. It was gone for about 7 or 8 years. I managed to get through all the stressors and grief that was tossed at me because my mind was strong. I must have done a fantastic job because I was virtually immune from depression and had zero recurrences… until recently. But this is due to self-neglect, unfulfillment in all areas of my life, and it’s highly probable that my biochemistry is disrupted.
I notice you say “my depression”. If I may offer a suggestion…
We tend to use the possessive word “my” for things in our lives. We don’t own depression. It is not our depression. Depression doesn’t define us... Depression is just depression.
I like to separate myself from depression. Depression is depression and I am me. Yes, I am experiencing depression, but I am not the depression nor is it mine.
I find this finer distinction helps me to not attach labels to myself or ownership of everything in my life, especially something like depression. It is very liberating.
This reply is a bit lengthy, so for that I apologize.
Please let me know how you are. For depression, what is having a great impact on your life? What is helping you through it? What have you found to be least effective? I would like to hear more about you and what is going on in your life. I cherish our correspondence and sharing our experiences together and for anyone else who is reading this.
Until next time,
Spleefy
GraceH wrote:Hi Spleefy,
I'm doing relatively okay. Thank you always for asking. Hey where did the name Spleefy come from? Just wondering. Okay, well, I'm hanging in there--about all I can do these days. You certainly made some amazing points about depression in your email below. I appreciate you taking the time to break it down. I'll be definitely more aware of what's going on with my depression and how I'm handling it or not handling it.
Hey, seen any good movies lately? Which ones? You listen to motivation tapes? I use too, kinda sort of. I'll be looking into them now that you also try them. Thank you for this tip.
How is your Tuesday handling you? Tomorrow I go in for a physical, no, it's Thursday I go in for a physical and I am looking forward to talking to my primary about my lack of sleep and if there's anything she can do to help me. I think they want me to go to a sleep center, I don't mind--I think a good night's sleep will give me such a boost, I don't think people are aware of how one can't live a full healthy happy life if they are not getting a good night's sleep.
Once again, your letters/emails are such a treat to read. Like, one day I would so like to have real live friends, but you fit this bill, I don't need to reach out. Sure one day real life live friends will be a treat but for now, I know I"m not alone in this world. I'm not the only person suffering. Hey, why did your depression return? What do you think happened? I've never had my depression leave, well, maybe it did and I can look back and see that positive distractions were in place. How long was your depression gone, how did you keep it at bay? Well, I'll let you get on your day or night. Peace out.
Take care, G
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Spleefy wrote:Hey Grace,
How have been keeping? I hope things are slowly looking up for you.
My friend did appreciate the card. She actually is starting to come around now and we were having a lovely conversation the other day.
One of the things I do is throw on some headphones and listen to motivation videos for hours every night. It's like having my own personal life/motivation coaches on hand to keep yelling into my ears that I can AND will get through this. I listen to them over and over and over until it becomes a conviction. All day I keep telling myself positive affirmations.
I am also modifying my biochemistry so that I become more receptive to these affirmations.
I am giving myself love and nurture.
I've been turning these depressing feelings into a rush, a challenge. I'm using depression as fuel to produce a raging fire in my heart. The depression is both my enemy and friend. My enemy because it tries to do everything to keep me down. But my friend because it is also telling me to make drastic changes in my life... to fight or to die. After all, if I didn't feel the way I am feeling now, I wouldn't be motivated to do anything about it. I have a love-hate relationship with depression.
However, I am not allowing myself to be afraid of it. I haven't had depression for years. When it recently returned, I was scared. I almost forgot what it is like to experience depression because it has been that long. But it's all starting to come back to me. It was overwhelming and frightening at first.
But, just like before, I have accepted it into my life. I won't try to fight to get rid of depression... in my experience, it does not work. You only end up losing and becoming exhausted and too demoralized to continue fighting. But when I accept that it is there and allow myself to feel it, experience it, and listen to the messages it is whispering into my ear, the depression slowly lifts.
Depression only lifts once we start to listen to the messages it is telling us. But we tend to spend too much time trying to get rid of it that it just fights back harder, becoming more stubborn and louder until we start paying attention to it and what it is trying to tell us.
I like that you feel the same way in that we are all in this together. We are all going through the same thing but dealing with it in our own way. By sharing experiences, telling each other how we are feeling on a given day, and also paying it forward by giving out just as much support as we receive, a forum such as this one can really make all the difference to each other's lives.
I look forward to hearing about what's happening with you. Speak soon.
Spleefy
GraceH wrote:Hi Spleefy,
Happy birthday to your friend, I hope they enjoy the card and time you put in to send it and think of them.
I'm happy to hear if you're able, you have the ability to fix yourself. That's amazing. Highly motivating.
Yes going to many therapist after awhile feels like, nothing moving forward, your going here and there and to this person and that--but nothing is changing. I know that feeling. Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to fix myself and I"m not equipped to motivate myself and find out how to fix myself. I feel resigned to, this is it. But it can't be, so that's why I go to my psychologist.
That's interesting when you said you allow yourself to feel a certain way, and maybe climb out of that? That's very interesting. And true in that I've heard when one is sad, crying it out is the healthiest thing one can do.
Oh it's always nice communicating with you. And to find a way to get these forums more, organized, where people are helping other people would be great. I was about to quit this forum (when they don't even have a "delete my account" button on here) when I saw that a message could be sent directly to someone--but I was about to quit because in that chat room are so many people, but where are they when newbies sign on and try to reach out to people on here. I clicked on like to seven different people but only heard back from you and another. This forum could be a powerful place to meet and greet if people could know, we're here, we're trying to reach out, we do care and we're all in this together.
Thank YOU for your kindness. You'll never get a big head, you seem too down to earth and that's the sign of a very good person.
Have a lovely Sunday, take care. Always.
G
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