.
i am new to this but have been struggling with depression for pretty much as long as i can remember and i am only 20 years old. throughout my life i have been through some shit, yeah ok. but in my eyes, what i have been through is nothing compared to what others go through and come out a lot stronger than i have.
Yes, i know that we shouldn't compare our own personal situations to others, but i have done. i feel like my problems are tiny and pointless compared to what others have been through, my dad left, hit me, I've been abandoned by everyone in my life apart from my mum, I've been exposed to people who i looked up to in my life using drugs and i have never had a male role model in my life to look up too. to me, all these things are small and what most people go through.
throughout my life i have always been the strong one, for my mum, brother, friends whoever and have always put the fact i have never truly felt happy aside until in the start of my 3rd year of uni where things got too freaking much. (not sure if your allowed to swear in these or whatever)
things got real bad, really quickly. i started seeing things, hearing things and attempted suicide a few times but people stopped me. i started attending counselling and was put on anti depressants. people have never seen me like that before.
but the real problem is - my family.
they don't understand it, and the sure as hell do not understand me and my depression, they think I'm either sad or just 'faking it' for attention. and do you know how mad this makes me?!?! faking it for attention?! do you really think i would want to battle through this horrendous thoughts i have daily about not being good enough, not wanting anyone near me, hating myself, feeling so lonely but not wanted to speak to anyone, being unable to get out of bed, not wanting to live my life anymore through choice?! i mean, seriously come on! that is just freaking ridiculous it makes me sick.
they dont even view my depression as a mental illness, they only see things such as bipolar and schizophrenia as mental illnesses... ok fair enough but why not depression????? depression isn't something that can be fixed over night, it is a complex freaking horrible illness that i wouldn't wish anyone to have, i just wish they understood me, i wish they accepted that this is who i am rather than taking the piss out of me.
i can't deal with it much longer, i need to talk to people who understand, who believe i am struggling, who believe i can't cope, who believe i am unwell, who don't think I'm just sad or doing this for attention.
i need people in my life, who want to help.
please, help me.
love, jess xo