My partner is struggling.....

[london]

Hi All,

I hope you don’t mind me posting here as it isn’t actually me who suffers with depression and anxiety it is my partner. We have been together for 11 years and have two small children. Both girls 3 and 6 years old.

She has suffered on and off ever since we have been together. When she feels low she becomes insanely jealous and can’t bear the thought of me interacting with any women at all, even though it is compulsory with the job I do.
We have had some really tough years together but this year in particular has been the worst. We have very nearly split up twice so far this year and I am sure that if we didn’t have children then we definitely wouldn’t be together. I’m not saying that we are together just for the children’s sake because we do love each other very much but I am saying it is them that held us together when things got really difficult.

I have joined this forum to try and get a better understanding of how to best support her when she is feeling low. I have tried the soft approach, the understanding approach, the tough approach but nothing seems to work.
I have asked her what the main things are that she struggles with on a daily basis and she says

1) Getting the motivation to get out of bed in the morning (she literally just wants to hide under the duvet)
2) Face anyone else in the outside world (even friends)
3) Go out of the house

Can anyone relate to this? Is this normal when you are feeling depressed/anxious? Are there any other main things that I should be looking out for?

Any advice or suggestions would be much appreciated, I know I haven’t been as supportive as I could/should have been but I just get so frustrated when she is having ‘another bad day’ it leads to us arguing a lot. I love her very much and I would hate it if we split up and turned our children’s lives upside down just because I wasn’t understanding enough of her illness.

Thanks in advance guys

[nenkohai2]

Hi London,

I only have my own experience to go on and I am certain not a doctor, but your partner *might* have more going on than just depression. of course, depression can manifest as anger, but her jealousy sounds slightly out of the curve, if you will.

You've probably have heard this before, but, honestly it is the best thing to do: start working with a professional. She may want nothing to do with going to a counselor or doctor, but my own experience has been that if you (meaning your partner) do not there's very little chance of improving the situation.

For me, getting professional help was a quality of life issue. I needed help so that I could be there for my two young children and wife. That was 20 years ago. I still have off days and off moods, but on the whole, my life is dramatically better. To this day I still see a psychiatrist about once a month. I'll see a psychologist or counselor more frequently if needed - in the case of a trauma or a particularly rough patch. I say this to point out that the work is on-going even after 20 + years.

So, seems whatever you and she are doing now to try to improve the situation... it doesn't seem to be working. Get the professional help. Perhaps maybe consider going together as a couple's therapy to start.

Good Luck, London. I hope things begin to improve.

n.

[headhurts]

Hi London,

I can speak from my experience being in each position you mention in your post. Years ago I was in a long term relationship (13 years) with a woman who suffered from severe depression and couldn't get off the couch no matter how much she wanted to. I think your partner's behavior sounds like classic depression except for the jealousy piece. I ended up splitting up with my partner because we no longer had a life together and I felt that she would not help herself as long as we were together. In my next relationship (10 years) my partner wasn't depressed but was very jealous. We couldn't walk down the street or go out to eat without her accusing me of looking at someone. Years later she was able to see that her jealousy stemmed from some deep insecurities and fear of abandonment but our relationship did not survive her jealousy. Now I am single and in a bout of severe depression myself. I have been treated for depression for most of my life but after sustaining a head injury last January in a fall the depression got much worse- partially as a result of the damage to my brain and partially as an effect of being out of work, etc. I know how hard it is to get out of bed let alone leave the house. Sometimes what helps me is to set very small goals for the day- something I think I can achieve- to give me a sense of accomplishment. Also it helps if I have to do something for someone else. Most of us are great at helping others but not necessarily ourselves. Maybe your partner can set a small goal or get out of her own head by helping someone else. No matter what, it certainly sounds like she needs professional help and perhaps the two of you could seek some counseling as well. Make sure you get the support you need from friends, family and a counselor if needed. It is very painful to be depressed but it is also very difficult to be the loved one of someone who is depressed.

I wish you and your partner the best...

[Helloraspberries]

Hi London,

I'm sorry to hear that your going through a tough time at the moment. Can not be easy for you at all.

You shouldn't feel like you are failing as a husband or your not doing everything you can do to get underline issue to why your wife feels this way. I know you already explained what the problems are but if I was you I wouldn't just take her word for it.

Sometimes with people who suffer with depression can either tell you the whole truth but nothing but nothing but the truth where as others shy away and dont like telling anyone how they feel because they feel too embarrassed or ashamed. It sounds like your wife maybe feeling too embarrassed to talk to anyone which is understandable.

You are right that people who suffer with depression have lack of motivation, get tired all the time etc and those are the common signs to look out for. You seemed to have covered all of them from what it sounds like.

I think the next move is to keep being there for your wife and children and try not to think of the bad but only think of the positive. There are people out there who can help but its really down to your wife wanting to receive the help.

Please stay positive and remember were here anytime