Can anyone change my mind?

[chronic]

I was always a happy child, not a perfect person, but I am who I am and I came to accept that. My life wasn't great, but nothing to complain about compared to what others go through on this Earth. At 17 years of age I became obsessed with finding truth, reason, happiness, hope; generally a purpose. I began looking to spiritualities like buddhism and jainism to find these answers. I began learning about (and always had an interest in) physics, chemistry, philosophy, psychology. I wanted to know how everything worked to give myself a better understanding of life. Throughout these studies I learned that perspective is very important. Everyone perceives things differently, so there is never one answer. (As it is stated in jainist philosophy - absolute truth is not real - everything exists in different ways through different viewpoints.)
Anyway, at one time not so long ago I was happy, happy to say that I found what I was looking for within myself, as well as with other people in my life. Soon after I dropped all of my interest studying physics/chemistry/philosophy/psychology/spirituality because it all seemed so unimportant after a while. All it gave me was more questions and no answers. I wanted to know the meaning of life and it seemed to me that there was none. All of these explanations are a product of the human mind, multiple minds with multiple viewpoints. Amongst all of this, somewhere at sometime, I ask myself "What actually *feels* real to me?". The answer was so simple that it surprised me: To Love And To Be Loved. And this site confirmed that to me. According to the statistics here, why do most people kill themselves? A lack of love. So reverse that and what is most important in life? (And what ever happened to Harry Harlow's monkeys?)
So I turn to charity work, vigilante justice, speaking out, helping others speak out, defending people, helping others learn how to love so they can find meaning like I did. All to show people that there is truth, reason, happiness, hope, purpose. So we can all share and spread love, so we can all love and be loved, and then we could have a world freed from evil. And after such a hopeful story, this is where my depression begins. I try sharing love, helping people, showing others what helped me so much in my life, with some success. But not completely. It was at this time that I realize how ungrateful some people are. How some people can learn to love, but do not understand how to be loved, and vice-versa. How not everyone will see things the way I do no matter how many ways I approach and explain. How so many people in this world are so narrow minded. How so many people in this world are crooked, greedy, selfish. How there is so much evil in this world, that it literally makes me sick. How I do not want to experience and be part of it anymore. Because maybe I have found hope in myself, but I can't find any in this world.
It seems I just can't escape it. Even on a daily basis. I wake up. I read the news. Someone says "Good morning" and all I can think is "Well thats really egocentric, have you heard any news recently? Its certainly not such a good morning on this Earth, it never is nor will it ever be". By the end of the day someone has to ask me "How was your day?" to which all I can think is "Okay, but what about every other person here with us?". So it seems to me like it will never get better, and therefore that is how it ends. I guess my main reason for writing this is to see if there's even one more person out there who feels the same way. But after so much research I have found no one who thinks like this. I'd also like to know if anyone could help me find a way around this. When I tell friends about this the only responses I have gotten are basically: "When you put it that way, I might as well just go kill myself too". And that definitely doesn't help. You must understand, I would do anything to change these thoughts (except take drugs of any kind). Would you believe me If I told you I'm only 19 years old?

[nenkohai2]

Chronic,

I appreciate your viewpoints and applaud most of them.

What I noticed in your writing is your reliance on the external (to you). My impression is (and it may not be correct, so please forgive me if so) you may want to consider cultivating peace within yourself. And cultivate love within yourself, FOR yourself.

While I applaud your activities in trying to reach other people, at 19, you may not yet see the need to cultivate a deep peace and love in yourself. To a degree what you may be feeling, is truly, burn-out. Lots of people at about your age are getting their very first taste of that and they don't know how to cope with it. And if you have a tendency towards depression (like I did at your age and still do today at age 51), this burn out becomes a full-blown existential crisis.

My thoughts for you (again, use a grain of salt here). Pause for a while. Unload your pursuits of person-to-person outreach. Allow yourself time to reflect on what you've seen; on what you can change and cannot change; know that you can not change everything; but know you can change some things. Maybe small things, but if you know anything about dependent origination (if not, give it a google), the small things you can change can ripple outward.

You, yourself, deserve as much love from yourself as you give to all those other people.

[chronic]

I certainly have found that within myself. But you're right, it isn't focused on myself. Why? Well that would be because of my beliefs in certain aspects of the Hindu religion. Brahman is, simply put, the omnipresent universal soul that interpenetrates every living thing. Atman, simply put, is the individual soul. These are different words, but the philosophy being that they are one "thing". We are each other. Everyone is connected, even with the plants and bacteria around us.
In the end I don't want to be one with such evil.
But then sometimes I think back to my beliefs in Taiji. Which dictate that the world is always a balance between bad/good, night/day, yin/yang; in every aspect of the world (this pattern is even seen in physics). So I guess thats just how it is, and I accept it for what it is, but I don't like it, and that makes it difficult for me to live here.

[nenkohai2]

Attachment leads to suffering. Which I know you know. Compassion is good. But attaching yourself to the dislike of non-compassion in the world is not good. In fact, highly destructive - as you are figuring out.

Don't confuse the holding-on of hatred of non-compassion as a noble trait. It may seem like it, but it isn't.

Just a thought. You're most welcome to disregard.

Wishing you best.