I am done. I can't deal with the physical pain anymore. I no longer enjoy anything. I know I've said before that I would never suicide because of what it does to those left behind, but I just can't be that strong any longer. I've been a hamster running in a wheel doing everything I could to get help and I'm so tired of fighting for it only to be denied time and time again.
Those I love and leave behind will just have to deal with it and move on. I know that sounds cold, but I'm just not the same person anymore. I wish I could be stronger for them, but I can't.
I always thought I could hold on to watch my precious granddaughter grow up. I care for her at least two days a week and at other times. I live one block away so it's convenient for everyone. But I can't even lift her anymore without lasting pain. She's young enough that she probably won't even remember me after a while. At least she can't miss me then.
I have the means. It won't be for a while. I need to get affairs in order. One good thing: having finally made this final decision gives me a measure of relief that I haven't been able to obtain from anything else.
Decision
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Hey there Vicky59. It's nice to meet you.
All I know what to say is please don't hurt yourself. I can't tell you how many times I've been in your position wanting to end it all and even coming very, very close to doing it. It's not the answer though.
It's BS all of the horrible things life can throw at you but as long as your living you still have a chance. Even if that chance seems so far away.
Your wrong when you say that your granddaughter won't remember you after awhile. Every day we live we make a new memory with a family member or the one we love. Some memories are so tiny and small that you think they don't even make that much of a difference in someones life but they DO and even the tiniest ones can make a difference and stay with someone for the rest of their entire lives. And I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that one of the closest people a girl can have in her life is her grandma. Please don't take that away from her.
If I could I would take away all of your physical pain so that you could live the happy carefree life that you deserve. And I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.
This forum is by no means a cure but at least here you know that you aren't alone and that someone out there in this big , cruel unfair world understand and is there for you. Will you please stay here with us ? I know that we don't seem like much but this place is always here for you.
You can come on here and be angry. Be as angry as you need to. You can even cry as much as you need. You can yell here , you can scream here .....Just don't leave us or life.
Like I said I've been where you are many times. Sometimes life hurts to even breathe but somehow I found a reason to hang on. In my mind I think to myself about the things I love like watching sunsets if I can just push myself to watch just one more.... just one.... then I have let myself hold on to another day.
Think of your granddaughters laughter how you won't be around to ever hear that again. And as she grows up , what if something awful happens in her life and she needs you there. To me nothing in the world is more comforting to a girl than her grandma.
There's no magical words I can tell you that will make everything okay but I do know that your not as alone as you feel. I would be lost if I hadn't found this place.
HOLD ON to us here and we will hold on to you too. Maybe if we all hold on to each other together here we can all make it through.
please think about that before you do something so horrible and final
love and hugs to you always
All I know what to say is please don't hurt yourself. I can't tell you how many times I've been in your position wanting to end it all and even coming very, very close to doing it. It's not the answer though.
It's BS all of the horrible things life can throw at you but as long as your living you still have a chance. Even if that chance seems so far away.
Your wrong when you say that your granddaughter won't remember you after awhile. Every day we live we make a new memory with a family member or the one we love. Some memories are so tiny and small that you think they don't even make that much of a difference in someones life but they DO and even the tiniest ones can make a difference and stay with someone for the rest of their entire lives. And I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that one of the closest people a girl can have in her life is her grandma. Please don't take that away from her.
If I could I would take away all of your physical pain so that you could live the happy carefree life that you deserve. And I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.
This forum is by no means a cure but at least here you know that you aren't alone and that someone out there in this big , cruel unfair world understand and is there for you. Will you please stay here with us ? I know that we don't seem like much but this place is always here for you.
You can come on here and be angry. Be as angry as you need to. You can even cry as much as you need. You can yell here , you can scream here .....Just don't leave us or life.
Like I said I've been where you are many times. Sometimes life hurts to even breathe but somehow I found a reason to hang on. In my mind I think to myself about the things I love like watching sunsets if I can just push myself to watch just one more.... just one.... then I have let myself hold on to another day.
Think of your granddaughters laughter how you won't be around to ever hear that again. And as she grows up , what if something awful happens in her life and she needs you there. To me nothing in the world is more comforting to a girl than her grandma.
There's no magical words I can tell you that will make everything okay but I do know that your not as alone as you feel. I would be lost if I hadn't found this place.
HOLD ON to us here and we will hold on to you too. Maybe if we all hold on to each other together here we can all make it through.
please think about that before you do something so horrible and final
love and hugs to you always
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Thank you SO much Star. I'm hanging. I'm doing the best I can. I've had depression for 17 years and developed chronic pain and migraines after a couple injuries to my neck. For a variety of reasons, I can't get treatment for the pain/migraine issues. Complicated. I feel I have exhausted medication options available to me. I constantly feel like I'm at the end of my rope and as if I'm a hamster running in a wheel accomplishing nothing. I AM trying all possible options. If I don't make it through this, it wouldn't be for lack of effort.
Thank you for being there for me. It means a lot.
Thank you for being there for me. It means a lot.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Thanks for thinking of me Star. I'm hanging in there. Had another awful migraine bout. Down for two days. Now on steroids that have their own problems. But I can afford them, I got a RX and they do work.
Long story short: 2 neck injuries each resulting in surgery after assaults at work. Chronic pain, chronic, recurrent migraine. I have two worker's comp insurance companies and my own health insurance company. I can no longer get treatment as the comp. companies won't approve but also won't issue a formal denial so that my regular health insurance company would pay - which they have done in the past. I have a lawyer, but this will drag for months in the courts. In New York, a doctor can't take money from a comp patient. So even though I will pay the $2000 for the botox to scalp and neck, they can't do it. (it's not like this money is hanging around with nothing better for me to do with it, but I NEED THIS!) So now I'm trying to find someone in a border state who will see me for cash.
I was depressed for a very long time before all this and sometimes the depression along with the pain, headaches and what comes with those is just too much to see living with for years.
So how are you doing? You seem at peace. Hints?
Long story short: 2 neck injuries each resulting in surgery after assaults at work. Chronic pain, chronic, recurrent migraine. I have two worker's comp insurance companies and my own health insurance company. I can no longer get treatment as the comp. companies won't approve but also won't issue a formal denial so that my regular health insurance company would pay - which they have done in the past. I have a lawyer, but this will drag for months in the courts. In New York, a doctor can't take money from a comp patient. So even though I will pay the $2000 for the botox to scalp and neck, they can't do it. (it's not like this money is hanging around with nothing better for me to do with it, but I NEED THIS!) So now I'm trying to find someone in a border state who will see me for cash.
I was depressed for a very long time before all this and sometimes the depression along with the pain, headaches and what comes with those is just too much to see living with for years.
So how are you doing? You seem at peace. Hints?
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I'm so sorry you have to go through all of that horrible stuff. I wish with all my heart that I could do more to help you. At least you know your not alone you always have here to come to.
As for me , no I'm not at peace at all very far from it. I'm trying really hard to keep hanging on but I'm feeling myself slipping again.
As for me , no I'm not at peace at all very far from it. I'm trying really hard to keep hanging on but I'm feeling myself slipping again.
Is the slipping situation related? Med related? What can u do before the slip becomes a fall? Any options?
I care.
It just occurred to me after watching a great video of of professionally choreographed dance with a woman and her dog, that there IS beauty in this world. Then it dawned on me that there is love, kindness and, very likely, happiness too. We have to look for it, find it and appreciate it when we do.
Makes our misery more tolerable.
Please keep in touch .
I care.
It just occurred to me after watching a great video of of professionally choreographed dance with a woman and her dog, that there IS beauty in this world. Then it dawned on me that there is love, kindness and, very likely, happiness too. We have to look for it, find it and appreciate it when we do.
Makes our misery more tolerable.
Please keep in touch .
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I'm holding on, Star. Looks like I'll be getting treatment for my headaches after all! Friday is the day. Lots of legal string pulling worked in my favor. I was shocked. Still having trouble finding joy in much. But am trying.
No pain worse than a broken heart. It's not like you can take a med for it or anything. Time seems to be the best healer. Do you have any pets? I know my dog has been so much comfort to me.
As long as we hang in there, we never know what might just be waiting around the corner for us.
Don't give up!
Thinking about you and all the kindness you showed me when I needed it so.
No pain worse than a broken heart. It's not like you can take a med for it or anything. Time seems to be the best healer. Do you have any pets? I know my dog has been so much comfort to me.
As long as we hang in there, we never know what might just be waiting around the corner for us.
Don't give up!
Thinking about you and all the kindness you showed me when I needed it so.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I'm so glad to hear that about you. That is wonderful. I was worried about you. Thank goodness to hear some good news in your favor.
As for me , sometimes your heart can be broken so badly that time can't even heal it. I'm so close to just completely giving up.
Yes I do have pets. I take in homeless and abused cats. I have everything from a cat that is handicapped to one that has no nose. I swear to God it has no nose at all..
love and hugs always
As for me , sometimes your heart can be broken so badly that time can't even heal it. I'm so close to just completely giving up.
Yes I do have pets. I take in homeless and abused cats. I have everything from a cat that is handicapped to one that has no nose. I swear to God it has no nose at all..
love and hugs always
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100footpole
- Posts: 477
- Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm
Vicky59 tell me more
Vicky,
I have a friend who has had shoulder problems for three years now. She is a teacher, and two years ago the principal asked her to postpone her surgery until after the school year. When she did that and applied for Worker's Comp. they denied her claim. She needed to come back to school before she was healed, and then had to have the surgery re-done. The principal tried to get her to postpone the surgery again, she refused, and when the surgery took place they found out that the injury had become worse.
She has a lawyer, she has pain, she has medical bills that she needs to worry with.
Your case sounds worse ... but it is kind of the same thing. A bureaucrat denying you treatment because they don't have time to keep up with the paperwork. Do you work with people with handicaps? It is awful to do that work, and then have the people you think are protecting your back (or neck) put a knife in it.
I have a friend who has had shoulder problems for three years now. She is a teacher, and two years ago the principal asked her to postpone her surgery until after the school year. When she did that and applied for Worker's Comp. they denied her claim. She needed to come back to school before she was healed, and then had to have the surgery re-done. The principal tried to get her to postpone the surgery again, she refused, and when the surgery took place they found out that the injury had become worse.
She has a lawyer, she has pain, she has medical bills that she needs to worry with.
Your case sounds worse ... but it is kind of the same thing. A bureaucrat denying you treatment because they don't have time to keep up with the paperwork. Do you work with people with handicaps? It is awful to do that work, and then have the people you think are protecting your back (or neck) put a knife in it.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
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