Well here goes

[Theblackdragon]

Hi everyone,
Not sure what I hope to get out of posting here but it can't hurt I guess. First off I will just say that I have for some reason, no concept of paragraphs. never have, so bear with me ok. I guess I only recently got to the point of serious depression and anxiety. I have struggled with bouts of it before but never for so long. A little about my history. My parents gave me away when I was 3 or 4 years old. I spent some time In the "care" of the childrens aid and stayed in several very abusive households. sometimes with my brother and sometimes separated. I also spent time with several aunts and uncles most of which were also very abusive. I could tell some horrifying tales but I will refrain for the moment. Lets just say when most people lose a family member they grieve. I tend to celebrate. nuff said. When I was 10 I moved back with my mother and brother. my father was long out of the picture at this point and only stopped by once in a while to drop off child support. My mother was a pill addict and a gambler and many times we were close to being evicted. At the age of 15 just after my fathers suicide my brother and I moved out and I spent the next 3 years as drunk as I could be. I eventually found work and life sorta became normalish though never quite right. I am 40 now living with my wife of 15 years who is clinically depressed and on meds so I have to do everything around the house and I also have to be happy around her all the time or she has a breakdown and suggests we both kill ourselves.I love her dearly but this does not help my situation much. I am laid off work currently and not sure how I will pay the mortgage this month. I also have a spinal cord injury with associated nerve damage and am on very expensive pain killers which I get no financial support for. I am pretty well at the end of my rope now and my happy go luckiness that has always been my trademark has all but disappeared. I suffer from multiple panic attacks daily, severe depression and I really don't know what to do. where I live there is about a year long wait just to see a psychiatrist and my family doctor is a complete idiot. All I can seem to do is sleep and pray for better days. I skipped a lot of history there but I cant expect people to read a whole book in one shot so I will leave it at that for now. well, Hi everyone.

[jvincent]

Hello,
man that's a tough spot to be in.

I guess it does not seem like much , but the hundreds of folks who have read this, sympathized with your situation and wished they could help but didn't know what to say. They have all sent some positive energy your way.
I hope something good comes your way soon and the happy go lucky comes back.

[SkaterDrew]

hi!

i feel yeah, just like what jvincent said, how i hope i can help you, but for now all i can do is some encouraging words.

[CrazyKiss]

Hi theblackdragon, it's CrazyKiss here. I hope ur ok? My heart goes out to u dearly that u have suffered in silence for a very long time with no help or advice from anyone. You shouldn't of had to grow up so fast. It's unfair and u dont deserve it.

I was reading about ur whole situation from u being adopted, having to go from care hometo care home, being abused, then living with ur aunt and uncle also being abused, having ur brother taken away, having a job whilst growing up, then caring for ur wife, making sure u have to put ur feelings to one side, coping with the stress and emotions, not having a job anymore, getting little money, having problems with physical and mental capacity and dealing with life in general. I can't imagine what ur life has been like from then till now.

You are very inspirational to alot of people on here as u not only shown some grace tovur wife but u didnt give up and that takes alot from someone who hasn't had a good past so I really do applaud u. Well Done!

There any support u could receive like a care worker who can come in and help u manage looking after ur wife? This must be difficult to do all on ur own. Have u got in contact with the hosptial or any support services out there who can help? That maybe a good idea. With ur finances and so on have u got in contact with The Citizens Advice Bureu who are able to help u manage ur money better and see what u maybe entilled to and what ur be better off doing with work etc? That something u could look into? Anything like The Citizens Advice Bureu will be handy.

Also try getting in touch with other helplines which would be avaliable in ur country. In order for u to get help could u think about seeing a counseller or going back to the doctor and asking wether they can put u intouch with any organiatation what deals with depression and anxiety. There are also helplines like Mind or The Smartians who can help two. What do u think?

As for the disabilty u have u may need to get back in touch with the hospital or the doctor about ur care and that u want to be ready to go back to work. Ring them or go in and ask to speak to someone straight away.

There are people to help and I wouldn't give up. You have done really well in coping with all of this and u should be able to get help. You can try what I suggested for u to do but u dont have to if u dont think it's helpful in anyway. You would know what would be helpful to u right now.

Remember u can always talk to someone on here as no one will judge or ignore u. There is always someone who will listen and try to be there for u. Keep reaching out on here if u need to.

Good luck and stay strong.

[Theblackdragon]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know many people read these things and don't know what to say but I appreciate being in the thoughts of those people as well even if they don't put it in writing. I don't plan on giving up.There certainly are days when i don't really want to live life the way it is but at the same time I know it will change if I persevere so giving up is never really an option. Crazykiss, I appreciate all your suggestions and I have looked into some stuff unfortunately nothing happens fast. Waiting lists galore and plenty of hoops to jump through before the government will help you. But all in good time.At any rate it is always nice to be in such stellar company. People in your regular everyday life so seldomly understand what most on here live everyday so it's actually nice to have somewhere to go where people listen and actually understand more than most of your friends. Glad I found this place and thank you again.