I just found this place

[edwardj]

Hello,

I just found this forum doing a search for suicide methods. I figure I must be looking for help or I wouldn't have joined this group so quickly. I guess I should tell a little bit about myself...

I am 57 years old and have had depression for as long as I can remember. Until recently I was able to push myself and mostly ignore the symptoms, For some reason I am not able to do that anymore. I take antidepressant medicine but it doesn't seem to help much. I am now living with my son, his wife and two wonderful grandchildren, which should help me but I find myself being short and impatient with the boys. This in itself is a major change, since I used to be known as the most patient person with children.

I have also found lately that my cognitive functions seem to be failing as I have trouble remembering what I read or keeping track of what I hear and see. I have a BA in elementary education, but the only job I have been able to get is a minimum wage job at kMart so of course being so vastly underemployed doesn't help my depression at all. Honestly I even find it hard to work this job and I don't really think they will keep me on for too much longer since I have trouble performing the regular functions of the job.

Writing a post like this is really hard for me in more ways then one. First off it is hard to post my feelings. I have been told that depression is something that you have to solve yourself and not rely on other people. I know now that this isn't true, but it's hard to fight the feeling. The other reason this is hard is that right now my thoughts are so slow that it is hard to gather them enough to write something that means anything. What I have written so far has taken me almost an hour and I know that in the past I could have written this in 5-10 minutes. I also find myself reading over and over again what I have written.

Well, I think I have said enough for now. I look forward to hearing from anyone that feels like commenting...

Ed

[edwardj]

I feel sort of pathetic, I keep refreshing the page to see if I have any comments...and it's only been an hour since I posted!

[hazeleyes]

Welcome Edward. I don't have a lot to offer at the moment, but I wanted to let you know "I hear ya" I know how you feel, about writing and thinking. The worse my depression gets, the slower my mind gets. I love to write, but when I'm depressed, it's like there's a malfunction somewhere between my brain and my hand. I don't really have any advice for you right now (I can't seem to find any for myself either). But I understand.

*don't feel pathetic about checking for replies constantly, I do the same sometimes. its totally understandable *

[edwardj]

for the message. Even hearing that other people are feeling like I do helps!

Ed

[Cougar2008]

Ed, I was moved to tears when I read your post... I had just done the same thing...there is nothing quite like aching for someone to just acknowledge you are around. I feel that emptiness so much! It is a pleasure to meet you!