new and need an understanding listener

[hazeleyes]

Hi. Completely new to this. (Forums, reaching out, etc.) I've lived with depression for as long as I can remember, but onlya few years ago discovered what it was that was wrong with me. I am now 35, and a single mother of two wonderful boys, who also have mood disorders. There have been periods of my life where it has been pretty OK. But those times have seemed to be getting fewer and farther between. I have really been struggling the last few weeks and am having such a hard time clawing my way out of it this time. I'm hoping maybe I just need a med change. I am soooo tired of living like this, feeling this way I hate that my boys see me suffering, I know it affects them deeper than they let on. I try so hard to hide it from them but sometimes I just don't have the strength. It tears me up inside and then I feel worse. I've been struggling every day to force myself to go to work because I can't afford to not work. And those "what ifs" are so loud in my head sometimes. What if I don't have the strength to get out of bed, what if I'm too depressed to be there for my boys, what if I lose my job and can't support us. I'm so tired all the time, physically, mentally, emotionally. Completely drained and exhausted. I apologize for having such a long introduction. I don't really have anyone to talk to, just professionals which helps but its not the same. I've pretty much isolated myself from any friends over the years and its sooo hard to make new ones. Mostly because I'm afraid of isolating myself from them too. Plus its so hard to find people to relate to people who understand. And its so hard to trust anyone. I'm so glad I stumbled across this site because its such a relief to know that I'm not alone and there are people out there who really do understand. I hate to see others suffer and sometimes I wish I was the only one because I know how much it hurts. But it is so hard to deal with when you feel like no one understands. Again, I apologize for such a long rambling post but i feel a tiny bit better after getting some of this off my chest. Thank you for listening. *and understanding*

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hey there Hazeleyes. Don't apologize for " rambling" after all that is what places like this website are for. So please ramble all you need to !!

I know how you feel and it can be exhausting. Some days you have good days when you feel like your almost at the top of that mountain and then other days it feels like you've fallen all the way back down to the bottom again.

If you need people to relate to this is a terrific place. So welcome to the site.

I know how you feel about having trust issues. I have trust issues that are about a mile wide right now.

It's also tough when you think no one understands. I think you made a great choice coming here. Anytime you need to vent please do.

I hate that I can't say more to help you right now since I'm struggling so much myself... but I do know that there is always hope.

Once you've felt like you've hit the lowest point of life where there is no hope the only other place to go is up. If we keep hanging in there I know we can make it " back to the top of the mountain "

Just know your not climbing that mountain all alone. We are all here climbing with you. And someday I know we will make it to the top and stay there !!

[sven]

hello guys, i am from Poland and I have depression too. I just have lost my life, low salary, not perspective.. its kindly sad. I know its not enough but when I'll back from work I will elaborated my post

[hazeleyes]

Thank you. I don't remember the last time I've ever felt truely welcomed anywhere.

[skelly627]

Hi Hazeleyes- I'm new on here too and a mother. I feel so drained too and it makes being a mom so much harder. Sometimes I don't know how moms do it all and then add in depression, etc, and it's so hard. I wish the best for you and your boys!

[Cougar2008]

Hazel eyes, I am so glad you took the leap to post...I am new here, too! I do not have kids, or many relatives. One of few in laws I really could connect to passed last week, so tons of solitary times compounds things. Hang in there!

[Doogie]

Hi Hazeleyes,

I'm not sure if I can help, but can be another ear to bend. That's a lot to take on for any person, let alone find time for yourself. Especially if you don't have someone to help just be there for your emotional support. You want to stay strong for the kids, but sometimes it ends up in a downward spiral. You try and keep your emotions from them to protect them, but I've learned that we do not get to choose which emotions to bury and which ones we want. If we try and suppress one, they all get suppressed. So you don't feel happy, which makes you more down, which makes you suppress everything more and it just cycles over and over. Even just trying to keep the family going and the worries can be mentally exhausting. And then that doesn't help things.

Not saying that is the case for you and your situation....just some thoughts I've learned along the way.

[cantthink]

So sorry you feel the way you do. You've pretty much described me in your initial post. Getting out of bed - just can't do it - I actually think if I fall back asleep for 20 minutes that it will help, or I'll wake up feeling differently. Once I do get up and start moving I feel better, so at least try and do that one little thing.

I've been saddled with this condition all my life, but this time it seems really bad. I'm a stats professor and school starts in two weeks and I'm terrified of having to go. Depression doesn't help your ability to think, which is somewhat important when you're the one in the room who's supposed to know everything.

Anyway, Hazeleyes, try and remember that you're excused from everything but the simplest of decisions, those that keep your family functioning. Someday you will rise out of this muck. I've done it many times.

So, that's my introduction. Good to be here but honestly wish I didn't have to be