This isn't what we were promised.

[GuerreroB]

So um...I'm depressed. I've been this way for a while now. It's a lot of things. I wasn't cool enough in high school, I'm lonely, all my friends moved away, I have a really low opinion of myself and I can't really figure out why.

I'm 25 and I grew up with my mom and my brother. Things were going okay out of high school, I guess. I had friends to play video games and Dungeons and Dragons with and we did our fair share of partying, me always being the wallflower. A bit of unrequited love here and there and I never had a girl move in next door and become my best friend and then my wife, like I always wanted after watching TV all my life. In my last year, things started to go, a little, though. I never got a car cause mom was a single parent and I never got a part time job. I just went to the local, crappy private university cause mom worked there and I didn't have to pay for a lot of things.

But in that last year of high school, I thought of all the things that I thought were supposed to happen. My first car, my first job, my first awkward romance. I didn't have any of it and rather than trying to make it happen I just panicked and shut down into myself. That's when we all really started to drink and that's when everyone else seemed to be falling in love and making plans and I just slipped through the cracks.

I kind of went through my first two years of college aimlessly and when I finally realized what I wanted to do, which was at the time, to write fantasy novels, I decided to transfer to another school. I didn't have a clue that most of my favorite authors are ones with day jobs who write as a hobby or that me getting an English degree wasn't necessary to write. But I got accepted into a state school and moved into the dorms for the real college experience.

Except it wasn't, cause the only friend I made was my roommate, who had to leave in early October because of a medical issue. So I was alone and I really felt it. By the time December rolled around I stopped halfway through writing my suicide note and decided I would just move back home. Never mind that my mom had moved away and so had most of my friends. And as it went, things got better, then worse, then better, then worse. I met some new people. Fell in love with new people. Got rejected by new people. I rediscovered old friendships and they grew stronger, and then the friend got really flaky when he started smoking all the time and the other friend got a girlfriend, which would have been fine, but they're terrible for and to each other and they have nothing in common and they stay together because they fear being alone. I can sympathize, it just bothers me.

Oh, and in my wallowing in depression, I lost track of time and never bothered to try to go back or something and my loans defaulted. I payed 5,000 back for a semester at the state school and now owe 7,000 to the private college.

I live with my brother now, but neither of us can hold down a job. Me because of depression and him because he left his last job for his health, kind of, but didn't bother to find a new job first. I got a job now, but I have to walk over a mile to it and it means getting up at five thirty AM ad going to bed before ten and my boss just creates so much stress and the schedule is hard because all I can think about when I'm home is how little time I have before I have to go to sleep and do it all over again.

I'm at the point where I feel so unenthused about my old past times that I usually just kind of sit and do nothing after work and it kills me. And for the first time since dropping out of college, I'm thinking of killing me. I just don't know what to do with myself. Everything that I ever had going for me I screwed up and I just can't get back out of this whole I've dug.

[Kellydlc12]

I've read what you wrote and first of all, I'd like to say I'm sorry. It seems that many of the things in your life didn't work out the way you envisioned or planned them to, and disappointment is always hard to deal with. Also, please take what I say next with a grain of salt as I'm not trained formally to help those depressed, or even have a lot of knowledge in said subject. Nonetheless, I'd like to help.

Have you thought about talking to your brother? If you haven't, please do. In my experience, we're never really as alone as we'd like to think. There's always someone willing to listen--but only if you're willing to reach out. I'd like to congratulate you on posting this here for people to see, because that was very brave, and a good step. If you have talked to your brother and feel like he isn't willing to listen, then it isn't your fault. What's important is that you tried, and at least someone knows about your condition. It's vital that someone knows how you're feeling, no matter who it is, because you need the security of knowing that if things get too tough, someone is looking out for you. Please, try to find someone like this. I can't stress how important it is.

Next, I think you're too hard on yourself. I don't want to give you compliments, because they'll be empty seeing as I've never met you. However, from what I do know, you are tired. Lonely. You need to take the time to do things for yourself. You matter, didn't you know that? Your thoughts matter. Your dreams matter. Anyone who tells you otherwise (even yourself) is wrong. You need to realize that you have to learn to love yourself before anything else. Have you tried listing the good things you think about yourself? If not, please try it. If it's too hard, ask other people you're in contact with daily. This can go a long way. Really look at yourself, and push away all the negative things you think of yourself, because whether or not they're really true, they won't do anything for you. All they do is hurt you, and you don't deserve to be hurt. What are your hobbies? What do you like to do? Take time to do these things, and enjoy yourself. I know it seems at odds seeing as you're clearly busy with your job, but any spare time you have, please don't use it to sit down and be sad. Keep your mind active doing other things.

I also think that you may have some unrealistic expectations. I know you expected the whole teenage experience, but sometimes, it doesn't happen. Don't think it's your fault. Don't beat yourself up for any experiences or opportunities you believe you shut down. They're over. Thinking about them won't bring them back. Instead, try to think of the opportunities you have now. You may think you've wasted all of them, but you're wrong. Every day you live, there's always something new. You just have to look hard enough. From personal experience, I don't think you can really expect all these experiences to come at a certain time frame. They come when they should, and you just have to wait patiently for them.

Finally, on the matter of yours thoughts on suicide. You know, I read this quote, recently, on a fanfic I read, that went along the lines of, "If only I knew you were coming, I would have done things differently." Yes, that was romance, and no, I'm not trying to say you've got a special someone waiting for you right around the corner (though you never know). This applies to every single person you've yet to meet. All the friends you've yet to make. All the lives you've yet to be a part of. These people don't know it yet, but they're looking forward to meet you. Those people who've rejected you? They missed out. They had an idiotic moment. They were plain old wrong. And they're certainly not worth your thoughts. It's not your fault.

Can you try something for me? It's a bit strange. I want you to try looking at the mirror everyday and smile at yourself. Tell yourself, "Someday, someone is going to love you." And let that motivate you to become anyone you want to be, because you know what? I believe you can do it.