Looking for Some Support

[cedicks]

I am in my late 20's and I have depression, chronic migraines, lupus and PTSD due to years of abuse. A year ago I changed jobs, due to a recommendation by a "friend". The place turned out to be highly abusive (managers screaming, yelling and throwing things). At the request of my so called friends I stood up to management. Because of that I was the victim of more retaliation. I opened up to my "friends" about my depression hoping they would understand and lend their support. Instead they all deserted me. Everyone who said they would stand up against management with me abandoned me. The retaliation got so bad that I ended up with PTSD and was forced out on disability. I hired a lawyer to try to recoup some of my loses but I'll never be able to get back those relationships lost. Every single "friend" I worked with has since cut off all communication with me.

I now spend every day home alone. My only friend is a kitten I rescued a year ago. I feel alone and isolated. I fight to just get out of bed and dressed each day. I'm seeing multiple doctors and am in group therapy and classes but nothing seems to be helping. With no support group I seem to be struggling to make it through.

My husband is offering all the support he can but with no experience with depression he's unsure of what to do. After a few months of research and some tough decisions we've decided to move to a tighter community where the people are more friendly and welcoming. We move in three weeks but I'm struggling to make it through. I know things will be better once we move but up until then every day is a challenge.

I'm scared to let anyone else in because of the abandonment I've experienced so I decided to find some much needed support online. I know there has to be more people out there who feel like I do.

[cloud99]

Hi Cedicks. I'm sorry to hear that you're not in a good place right now. I can relate to some of your situation. I'm in my early 30's and married. I've gone through 3 major depression/anxiety episodes where I've completely broken down emotionally and quit jobs and essentially became a vegetable sleeping and zoning out all day. Only one of those episodes happened when I was living with my now husband. I try to hide my feelings most of the time from everyone. I have one or two close friends that I might share my depression eps with but mostly I feel alone with my thoughts. My husband doesn't understand and he already has a sister suffering from Bipolar so I'm worried he will give up on me and leave me.
Work is one of the major stressors for me.

I'm not very assertive so have been bullied in many jobs. In the end I just get so nervous I end up quitting because I can't cope. Recently I've been relapsing again because I feel like I just can't cope with life. Am feeling the pressure to have a baby even though I don't feel anywhere ready to have one, stressed out at work, feel alone at work and at home. I've been on meds before and had counselling but for some reason I just keep it all bottled inside because I feel stupid and ridiculous for feeling like this and not being able to handle simple challenges in life. I've also had cousellors and social workers who don't understand and I feel like they are judging me.

Anyway, didn't mean to hijack your post. Just thought it may make you feel less alone to know I too can relate. All I can say is you found out who your true friends really are. Don't worry, you will meet people who will truly be worthy of being your friends.

I have a dog and a cat and they light up my world. I also love my husband but he doesn't have any idea of what having anxiety and depression is like. If you feel like chatting I'm here. It's also difficult on loved ones because they have no idea how to help so sometimes it's nice to speak to someone who understands.

Apart from your husband do you have any other family nearby who can help you feel less isolated and provide you with some emotional support?
Do you try to get out for a walk? I know it's easier said than done but small baby steps can help. BTW Good on you for standing up to management at your old job. That takes courage.

[cloud99]

Also, I don't know how you feel about taking medication but you may wish to discuss this option with your doctor. I'm not taking any meds right now and some that I have taken were not right for me but one thing they did have in common is that they helped me cope better and helped me stop ruminating over negative thoughts and do the simple things in life like getting up, having a shower, going out for exercising and eventually applying for jobs. Meds can sometimes just help you out of the hole. Anyway, it's an option if things get worse.

Another thing I found helped me when I was out of a job and recovering from a breakdown, was going on facebook and playing games. I met really nice people on these forums who are still my facebook friends now. True they are not real friends and they don't know my condition but it helped feel less lonely, it was a bit of fun and kept me occupied. Listening to music whilst doing chores lifted my spirits as well. Going out in nature was great and when my meds were at their peak of working, I even managed to go out to the pool for swims.

also, It's important to remember to not beat yourself up if you don't feel like doing much some days. Just set yourself small goals like getting up and having a shower - done! Then reward yourself by watching your fav tv show (preferable a comedy) or eating chocolate or whatever makes you happy. Then some days you might want to get up, shower and wash the dishes, and so on. It's important to try not to feel overwhelmed and just focus on getting better.

I'm trying to not take meds again just because I don't like the side effects but it's tough trying to go to a stressful full time work and just managing then coming home all the while trying to pretend all is well. At work I need to engage with people and I don't want to. I just want to crawl into a hole. These past few weeks have been so bad I was on the verge of quitting again but I can't because I have bills and a mortgage to contribute to. I enjoy working but when there is stress coupled with depression and anxiety I completely shut down and my mind races 100 times an hour and I see no end in sight. I've been sitting at work this week trying to remember how to do the simplest tasks that a few months ago I was cruising through and was fantastic at my job. Now I'm an emotional mess. Crying at work, can't handle my workload, don't want to speak to co workers, waiting to be reprimanded for stuffing or not doing something. Coming home after work and just vegging out and crying - doing no house chores whatsoever. Then looking forward to the weekend so I can just sleep the days away before it starts again. Oh and having loved ones tell me it's okay and there is no need to stress and I need to relax more and switch my mind off. Ha! If I could, I would have.

Anyway, hope you're doing better now