A standard introduction

[Matt10]

Hello, my name's Matt.

I don't really know how to explain what's been going on specifically because compared to some people here I'm sure it could sound quite trivial.

I had depression quite badly when I was in my early twenties. I had a couple of counselling sessions on the recommendation of my GP but I didn't really get anything out of it so stopped going.
I don't think the sadness ever went away but I just got used to it I suppose. I don't think I've ever felt truly happy during my adult life.

10 years or so on & I feel pretty bad again. Worse than I have felt before if I'm being honest.
I'm not suicidal or anything like that. I just feel very sad, lonely & unsure of who I am.
I suffer terribly with my self confidence.
I feel like crying all the time & often do - particularly at night.
I was waiting for the Tube when I was down in London a few weeks ago & I suddenly felt this wave of loneliness come over me & I could feel tears rolling down my face. It was so embarrassing. I don't think anybody really noticed or gave a shit, but I felt uncomfortable.

People who don't understand accuse you of self pity & presume it's as simple as just "pulling yourself together" but it isn't like that at all.
I'm not wallowing. I HATE feeling like this.

I just need somebody to be there for me - I'm lucky to have my family who are very caring, but I need a companion in my life. I don't know where she is. She must be out there somewhere but the longer it goes on I have to accept she probably isn't.

I thought I had found her quite recently but lets just say she wasn't quite the person she claimed to be. It's not her fault, but she had such a positive affect on me for a while before she changed. Now I feel a million times worse.
It was never going to work out (it never does) but just for a short while you allow yourself to dream.

Everybody has their heart broken but it never gets any easier.

Sometimes I can't even go outside the house because I feel like people are looking down their nose at me or laughing at me. I don't feel accepted anywhere. People can be very cruel & very aloof unless you happen to look or behave just like everybody else.
We live in such a shallow disposable world. I don't fit in & never have.


I just needed the opportunity to sound off I suppose.
I haven't come on here because a girl has let me down. Please don't think I'm being trivial at all. It's just that that was the latest in a long line of punches to the gut that I simply can't cope with for very much longer.

Why can't everybody be sweet & kind? Is it really too much to ask for?

[Frame]

Hi Matt;

Welcome, and I'm sorry your feeling down. I am not always the warmest fuzziest, but I do try to help. I hope you find this site a safe place to think about what your struggling with. If you choose to search on some words, you might find posts which touch on your concerns. Or just talk about whatever you like.

[Matt10]

Thank-you for the reply Frame. It genuinely means something.

I was unsure of whether to mention the fact a girl was involved in my depression because it does make it sound like lovesick blues & nothing more, but it isn't as simple as that.
I have been feeling rotten for a long time now - I guess this unfulfilled incident was the straw that broke the camels back really.
I need some love in my life - I'm not talking about sex either. I mean companionship & close friendship. I'm painfully lonely.

I don't get much sleep. I feel sluggish & am paranoid about my weight & appearance (even though people tell me I'm not overweight in the slightest) ..I'm starting to drink a little more than usual too & I feel angry & bitter in the pit of my stomach.
Like I said in my original post too, I cry a lot. I feel so sad all the time, as though I'm on the verge of tears.

Nothing seems to make any sense. I know you have to make your own luck in this life but I never catch a break.
I look at other people & envy their contentment & ability to function properly in their worklife & relationships.
I analyse everything & worry about things ..always going round my head. I never relax & switch off.
Sometimes I can't sleep because of palpitations & anxiety.

I haven't been to see anybody professional yet for help/advice. I was hoping somewhere like this might be a nice place to start. Somewhere to get things out I suppose.

If anybody wants to PM me about loneliness & stuff I'd be happy to hear your problems too. In complete confidence of course.
I just need somebody to talk to sometimes.

Thanks again Frame.

[Frame]

I'm going to sleep soon but I wanted to respond once more to say, I think any writing you do here will only help if you decide seek therapy. Clarifying your thoughts with a pen (or keyboard) will help you get to the heart of the matter with a professional.

I also believe that looking for a mate primarily to end loneliness or be fulfilled can be problematic. So if you can use this sight or other support systems while developing better understanding of yourself inside, your chances of finding a fulfilling partnership get much better.

[Matt10]

What you say about wanting a relationship just to end the loneliness is of course correct but I guess we all need somebody.

Thanks for the advice & I will certainly post on here from time to time & hopefully contribute to other threads too. Maybe I'll have some advice for somebody.

all the best.

[Ieris]

Hmm..

[CrazyLady17]

Hello,

Warm welcome.

So sorry to hear you feel this low.

Does it help to cry?
I find crying helps relaise all the tention.

Keep reaching out if it helps.

(((Hugs)))