Sup (Triggering Material)
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Sup (Triggering Material)
Hey, how's everybody doing? This site is for people who are feeling down, right?
4EverMe wrote:Hi Greg41,
You've come to the right spot, and welcome!
What's going on with you? Feel free to unburden yourself here. It's a good spot to get things off your chest in a safely discreet manner. No judgment here.
We hope to hear from you,
4EverMe
As a life long paranoia sufferer I am unconvinced of the discretion of anything, but thank you for welcoming me. I don't trust anybody, ever, and I am convinced that I have been profiled by the government as a potential threat to society even though nothing could be further from the truth. I'll go ahead and assume that everything I type here is going right to them as well.
I have a lot to talk about, I just want to get it out there, to see how it feels to read it myself after it's out there. The minimum age for this site is 13, so it's okay to talk about sexual abuse. Awareness can help warn a teenager, so I don't find the content I'm about post inappropriate. Having said that, if anybody does not want to read about child molestation, or a long disturbing story, THEN STOP READING RIGHT NOW.
My best friend at the time, Tony, came up with the idea that we go swimming at clyde's house, who as it turns out is a child molester. I was 13, I had very little clue about what sex was, what gay or straight was, or what a child molester was. Barely any notion of what my penis was even for. No clue about any of that. So clydes in the pool and everybody left the pool, he told me to come in to wrestle and I did because I was bored and it seemed like a normal fun thing to do. I thought others would jump in, that's why we went there to use the pool. Tony was the last to leave, seeming to watch like he knew what was going to happen. In short I got touched and after refusing to go into the toolshed with him he grabbed and twisted my penis very violently, leaving me with damage that would progressively get worse overtime. It's called Peyronie's Disease, and it's not a disease, go figure. His son clyd jr(child molesters often have legit families as a cover up) ripped my contact lenses in half and clyde jr (sick how his son knew about his dad and was prtecting him) asked me about my sister Laura, and in that way passively threatened her harm. I didn't tell anybody and I had no idea the stuff I was dealing with was anything more than in my head. I've been running out the clock on my life ever since. Today I am 41 and it's been a long boring existance. It's irritating, sometimes painful, and always a constant reminder of the day I got set up by Tony to be molested. I collected nicknames like "imp", "brokedick", "faggot" by people, classmates, and coworkers. Still to this day I get looked at and laughed at like a freak. Even though there is absolutely nothing demented about what I think about, people think I am messed up in the head, that's paranoia but it's also a normal sense of social standing. People are ALWAYS looking at my crouch like I am a piece of meat, it's amusing to them because I have small genitalia, clyde told me "It's small anyways" right before he mutilated me. I could not even dream about having relationships or a family, and I couldn't even bring myself to have sex until I was 35. My entire prime flushed down the toilet, I'll never know what it feels like to have normal healthy sex. Not to mention the emotional trauma and loneliness of the life I have been forced to live. I had to lie to mom why my contacts got ruined and I don't think I ever told her all of this. My mom died this summer and Tony showed up at the wake, I didn't recognise him or didn't want to let my mind acknowledge that it was him, until after he was gone. I feel like that was starting the abuse all over again, and as long as I am anywhere in this city I will always be a caged animal.
Then there was the time at Fred's tavern when Tony and his friends and family locked me in the tavern for reasons I still don't know, and had his much older uncle punch me to the ground and then kick my tailbone in. I walked home with a broken tailbone, laid in one spot for several days. Needless to say mom was very upset over this. I feel like over the years I murdered her through disapointment.
I can't hold down relationships, I don't have any friends, and I can't make new ones. I am completely, hoplessly broken.
My goal is to just get through life without being bothered by anyone, but they do. People wont leave me alone and I feel like I should quit my job or get fired and just move along working minimum wage jobs. I've been here my whole life and it's a prison, I can't go anywhere or do anything without the risk of something tramautic happening to me.
Thanks.
Well Greg;
I'm dealing with some overwhelming things myself right now, and don't quite know what to say except that I read your post and I think talking about your life here is appropriate. I think you mentioned 'getting it out there' and I think your right. These posts are open to being read but you have a certain amount of anonymity. And I think the potential good of exposing our suffering to the light out weighs the risk of judgement. Besides, I haven't seen much of that here.
Welcome
I'm dealing with some overwhelming things myself right now, and don't quite know what to say except that I read your post and I think talking about your life here is appropriate. I think you mentioned 'getting it out there' and I think your right. These posts are open to being read but you have a certain amount of anonymity. And I think the potential good of exposing our suffering to the light out weighs the risk of judgement. Besides, I haven't seen much of that here.
Welcome
I could pay 1 person tons of money and know 100% that they do not care at all, or I could tell 100 people for free and maybe 1% actually care from time to time.
Anyways, you can hold it all in like I did, and watch people pass judegment on you. People who would be CRUSHED like insects if they ever spent a day in my shoes, pass judgement and keep an eye on you like a dog.
Anyways, you can hold it all in like I did, and watch people pass judegment on you. People who would be CRUSHED like insects if they ever spent a day in my shoes, pass judgement and keep an eye on you like a dog.
Actually, after what you described, I get the paranoia.
Two times in your young life you were completely betrayed by a "friend" and set up for a world of hurt that there was no reason for and no rhyme to put it to.
That said, more is true and here it is:
"We are only as sick as our secrets."
You took a big step in healing today by opening up and letting this off your chest. People who manipulate you in that way depend on it staying a secret. I was told not to tell or my parents would be killed. So I didn't tell my parents, I told someone else.
Kid logic.
And my family defended me, but we didn't do the courts because the person HAD been a friend of the family, and they didn't want to put me through it. I was 7 at the time it happened. We never saw them again, for my protection.
Still, I felt "less than" all my life because it had happened to me. Had a lot of fears too and that was with people supporting me and going to therapy, so I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have to go it alone and always wonder why and have no one telling you it wasn't your fault.
I am kind of impressed that you feel the paranoia you are still saying what you need to say, showing some strength beneath all the fear and that is pretty typical of someone who has to go out and find their own healing. I've gone to 12 Step groups and the "survivors" who get their on their own have a certain strength to get them through things once they find the tools to address the underlying problems.
Don't let age deter you, if you DON'T work on your problems you'll be another year older, but no wiser. It sucks to be stuck and it sucks to do the work, but if you do the work, eventually you get the rewards, so it is worth it even if it doesn't seem like it at times.
Ironically (according to my faith anyway - so take what you like and leave the rest) now that your Mom has passed on, she understands everything and is there in your corner an angel watching over you.
IF it works for you, you're free to think of it that way or of her energy, love or whatever being unchained from the restraints of not knowing and being available for you as you move forward. We keep our loved ones alive in one aspect, by cherishing the love we had with them and passing any good thing on that we can in their honor.
That said, more is true and here it is:
"We are only as sick as our secrets."
You took a big step in healing today by opening up and letting this off your chest. People who manipulate you in that way depend on it staying a secret. I was told not to tell or my parents would be killed. So I didn't tell my parents, I told someone else.
Kid logic.
And my family defended me, but we didn't do the courts because the person HAD been a friend of the family, and they didn't want to put me through it. I was 7 at the time it happened. We never saw them again, for my protection.
Still, I felt "less than" all my life because it had happened to me. Had a lot of fears too and that was with people supporting me and going to therapy, so I can only imagine how difficult it would be to have to go it alone and always wonder why and have no one telling you it wasn't your fault.
I am kind of impressed that you feel the paranoia you are still saying what you need to say, showing some strength beneath all the fear and that is pretty typical of someone who has to go out and find their own healing. I've gone to 12 Step groups and the "survivors" who get their on their own have a certain strength to get them through things once they find the tools to address the underlying problems.
Don't let age deter you, if you DON'T work on your problems you'll be another year older, but no wiser. It sucks to be stuck and it sucks to do the work, but if you do the work, eventually you get the rewards, so it is worth it even if it doesn't seem like it at times.
Ironically (according to my faith anyway - so take what you like and leave the rest) now that your Mom has passed on, she understands everything and is there in your corner an angel watching over you.
IF it works for you, you're free to think of it that way or of her energy, love or whatever being unchained from the restraints of not knowing and being available for you as you move forward. We keep our loved ones alive in one aspect, by cherishing the love we had with them and passing any good thing on that we can in their honor.
Thank you.
Strength...maybe. Cowardice...maybe. I've thought about how this predator has survived, I often wonder if he's still doing it, if his SON is doing it, or his SON'S son. It was just me and my mom and my sister, I had to be the "man of the house". I thought I was being strong, being the stoic hero and protecting. But I was wrong. I should have went to the police, I should have went to my older brother who lived away from home. I didn't even realize the magnitude of what had happened to me. I'll never have kids but if I did, and somebody harmed them the way I was they would be shot dead end of story. maybe if I spoke up other victims would be spared, a lack of sexual education was a problem. Kids need to be taught early in life, so they know to avoid situations that people they trust lure them into. I'll never understand why Tony hates me so much, and I don't care to, I just want to be rid of this entire city and go someplace new where I wont run into anybody I know.
My paranoia is at it's root, a defense mechanism. I try to suppress it but without it I feel vulnerable and weak and I don't want to feel that way ever. I don't want to be fooled again. When it's too strong, it dominates everything. So I try and find a balance, everyday is an internal battle and it's exhausting. I really just want to be left alone. I'm smart enough to realize that being a loner makes me fit a profile of a sociopath. I would only hurt people who hurt poeple I love, and I don't love anybody or anything so there is no danger of that.
Strength...maybe. Cowardice...maybe. I've thought about how this predator has survived, I often wonder if he's still doing it, if his SON is doing it, or his SON'S son. It was just me and my mom and my sister, I had to be the "man of the house". I thought I was being strong, being the stoic hero and protecting. But I was wrong. I should have went to the police, I should have went to my older brother who lived away from home. I didn't even realize the magnitude of what had happened to me. I'll never have kids but if I did, and somebody harmed them the way I was they would be shot dead end of story. maybe if I spoke up other victims would be spared, a lack of sexual education was a problem. Kids need to be taught early in life, so they know to avoid situations that people they trust lure them into. I'll never understand why Tony hates me so much, and I don't care to, I just want to be rid of this entire city and go someplace new where I wont run into anybody I know.
My paranoia is at it's root, a defense mechanism. I try to suppress it but without it I feel vulnerable and weak and I don't want to feel that way ever. I don't want to be fooled again. When it's too strong, it dominates everything. So I try and find a balance, everyday is an internal battle and it's exhausting. I really just want to be left alone. I'm smart enough to realize that being a loner makes me fit a profile of a sociopath. I would only hurt people who hurt poeple I love, and I don't love anybody or anything so there is no danger of that.
Strength in surviving long enough to find help.
Please don't look back and "should have" on yourself. Full grown adults get raped and don't call the police or stand up and be the punching bag for the cause and you were just a kid who had no one in your corner at that time. Cut yourself some slack.
Your predator is the coward. He was afraid of honest adult relationships and instead foisted himself on children and was selfish and vain enough not to be able to take No as an answer.
The only thing I can say is that he learned it from someone. Victims can become predators if they don't find answers and peace in confronting the fears. I don't know if he's ever been brave enough to face his fears and himself and change his path, but if he did there would be a huge amount of crap on his plate to deal with. Everything he did to you, he put in his own bag of issues to deal with. Whether he does or not is his problem.
You have some roles that are dictated by your fears but you also have roles that you learned to show your strength, not for your own sake, but for your family's. You cared, you loved at one time. You've distanced yourself from that because you have this thing you have to deal with before you are whole again and able to fully give yourself into a real relationship of any kind.
Being a loner who is afraid to care after what has happened to you doesn't make you a sociopath. You never got to find out the real rules of healthy relationships or learn about boundries that are like defenses, but with doors where the people who are safe can come in the door and the rest can stay outside.
When you have that information, can make an informed choice and STILL choose to say "Forget everyone else" then you can be a sociopath.
Until then, you're just another damaged human being who can go one way or another and you might as well find out what your choices are before you give up and take the sleazy way out.
You might find you have a lot more courage than you think you do and could possibly one day BE that inspirational person BECAUSE of how horrible your experience was you could be an example to others that no matter how far down a person falls, they can still get up and walk back to that place where an innocent child suffered.
Take your own inner child's hand and lead him out of hell one step at a time. One day. One minute. One choice at a time. Baby steps are fine as long as they are on the path of healing, it's all good.
Peace.
Your predator is the coward. He was afraid of honest adult relationships and instead foisted himself on children and was selfish and vain enough not to be able to take No as an answer.
The only thing I can say is that he learned it from someone. Victims can become predators if they don't find answers and peace in confronting the fears. I don't know if he's ever been brave enough to face his fears and himself and change his path, but if he did there would be a huge amount of crap on his plate to deal with. Everything he did to you, he put in his own bag of issues to deal with. Whether he does or not is his problem.
You have some roles that are dictated by your fears but you also have roles that you learned to show your strength, not for your own sake, but for your family's. You cared, you loved at one time. You've distanced yourself from that because you have this thing you have to deal with before you are whole again and able to fully give yourself into a real relationship of any kind.
Being a loner who is afraid to care after what has happened to you doesn't make you a sociopath. You never got to find out the real rules of healthy relationships or learn about boundries that are like defenses, but with doors where the people who are safe can come in the door and the rest can stay outside.
When you have that information, can make an informed choice and STILL choose to say "Forget everyone else" then you can be a sociopath.
Until then, you're just another damaged human being who can go one way or another and you might as well find out what your choices are before you give up and take the sleazy way out.
You might find you have a lot more courage than you think you do and could possibly one day BE that inspirational person BECAUSE of how horrible your experience was you could be an example to others that no matter how far down a person falls, they can still get up and walk back to that place where an innocent child suffered.
Take your own inner child's hand and lead him out of hell one step at a time. One day. One minute. One choice at a time. Baby steps are fine as long as they are on the path of healing, it's all good.
Peace.
-
schizorobin
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2013 7:25 am
Hello Greg41,
Everytime I heard story about child molester, it feels like my stomach stabbed million times and ripped apart, well it's awaken my own childhood memory.
Well I'm 28 now and I can't count how many times I tried to end my life everytimes I feel down or when that humiliation nightmare flashback on my mind. Same as you The only way I can
explain it is that I feel like I don't have the right
to be depressed never told anyone about my problem. There's like nobody that I can't trust, and I just thought that it just wasted, I know what they can do just feel pity, and pitying at me won't help anything, it just makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
I understand why you chose to be alone and your reason afraid in making relationship. I am an antisocial myself. Most people thought sociopath in negative way . I thought that's the best way to find the peace, but I'm wrong. Who will burried my dead body if I just die alone, no matter how I hate it, I need to live in society.
And what glad2bme said is right. Victims can be predator if they can't find the peace and confronting the fears. But confronting the fears is not as easy to say, it needs time, maybe years.
In my frame of mind I thought that you're strong person, you can live till these day your 41 years old life , keeping your secret even to your mother till she passed away, I'm sorry to heard that, but I admire you. You're strong and brave person.
You said that you don't love anybody or anything, and no danger in that, maybe you're right, but somehow I can feel deep inside your heart you just deny the loneliness in your life. Sometimes loneliness can drive people to madness. So please stick around together coz you're not alone.
Everytime I heard story about child molester, it feels like my stomach stabbed million times and ripped apart, well it's awaken my own childhood memory.
Well I'm 28 now and I can't count how many times I tried to end my life everytimes I feel down or when that humiliation nightmare flashback on my mind. Same as you The only way I can
explain it is that I feel like I don't have the right
to be depressed never told anyone about my problem. There's like nobody that I can't trust, and I just thought that it just wasted, I know what they can do just feel pity, and pitying at me won't help anything, it just makes me feel weak and vulnerable.
I understand why you chose to be alone and your reason afraid in making relationship. I am an antisocial myself. Most people thought sociopath in negative way . I thought that's the best way to find the peace, but I'm wrong. Who will burried my dead body if I just die alone, no matter how I hate it, I need to live in society.
And what glad2bme said is right. Victims can be predator if they can't find the peace and confronting the fears. But confronting the fears is not as easy to say, it needs time, maybe years.
In my frame of mind I thought that you're strong person, you can live till these day your 41 years old life , keeping your secret even to your mother till she passed away, I'm sorry to heard that, but I admire you. You're strong and brave person.
You said that you don't love anybody or anything, and no danger in that, maybe you're right, but somehow I can feel deep inside your heart you just deny the loneliness in your life. Sometimes loneliness can drive people to madness. So please stick around together coz you're not alone.
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