Hi, I'm just another victim of this sad world...

[BloodyDarkDay]

Hi everybody.

I'm new in this kind of forum. I don't know where to start.
First I think you should know I'm French, so I'm sorry if my english is bad.

I'm Aurélie, 17 years old. I'm in High School. I think I'm depressed but no one around me has notice. They think my sadness will go away but I know that will not. It's too deep and it's not a simple phase. I have these feeling inside me from 1 year, I think. I have the feeling that I'm not really me. I have the impression that the real me is gone and now I'm empty. Nobody knows that about me and I don't want they know. Or maybe.. Just one person. I want to talk with one of my friend in particular, but I don't know how. I don't want she worries about me and I think it can be hard to keep a secret like that. I don't know if she would want to know that about me or not.
I don't really want to be helped, I just want to be listened and understood.

[fallen]

hey , just thought i would say hi there are nice people on here who will listen,
i am sorry you are hurting, know that some one cares.
take care

[Frame]

Hi Aurélie,

I think that the only thing that will never change is, that everything changes; our world, our thoughts, our emotions. That said, I also believe that depression is a perfectly natural response mechanism in most living things; a response to various forms of stress. When stress doesn't go away or we can't compensate or grow from it, then it become chronic. Chronic stress, I believe, can lead to chronic depression.

I'm not licenced in any way to make a diagnosis, but I'd say that a year long depression is becoming chronic. It's important to consider the root stressors beneath your sadness and I think speaking with a professional would be a good idea.

In any case, I've found sharing here to lighten the load so feel free. It can be useful to talk about things in the safety of this forum. It may help clarify your thoughts and make it easier to communicate with people in your life. Tell us a little more about yourself.
Frame

[BloodyDarkDay]

Hi,

Thank you for reply, that encourage to talk and know someone cares is a really pleasant feeling.

I feel stressed and anxious from the beginning of the school year. It never stopped, it's just more or less strong. Sometimes I cry so much for no reason. I feel like I'm going crazy.

You want that I tell you more about me, well... This is my story.

Last year, I felt put aside by my best friend. She had nothing against me but she spent time with other members of our group of friend, and that made me sad because I don't like so much having too many friend and she was the only one who really knows me, she was the only one who really understands me etc. She knows everything about me, well, until now.

At the same time, I began to get lost in maths courses and I started to have bad grades. It was hard because I felt like I was not good enough and that made me a little more sad.

Finally, I have found an other friend to be close to, and I began to be in love with her. I've kept that for me during two or three months before to talk about it with my best friend. It was really hard for me because it was the first time I felt in love with a girl and I generally don't like really talk about my feelings. The more time passed and the more I thought of her. She became the only one I want to see everyday, and the only one I thought about all the time. We became very close and that was a really great feeling, even if I suffered to not told her “I love you”.

I thought my others problems disappeared because I had her in mind all the time, but it wasn't and this year I had to change of class and give up becoming a surgeon. It was really hard for me to not felt good enough for my dream.

After 6 months of hard love for my friend, I managed to told her that I love her and she was also in love with me. It was a really pleasant feeling. We were good and happy together. I felt safe and protected with her.
At the end of 4 months and 26 days (in summer holidays), she broke up with me, but in good terms. She just didn't love me anymore. Feelings comes and goes, her left but not mine, and I don't hold it against her and I have told her. We have chose to stay friend like we were before, but I'm still in love with her.

At the start of the school year, during one month, it was really hard for me to see her and to be close to her. She smiles and not me. She is happy and not me. I wasn't be able to really talk to her and I felt that we went away from each other, and that made me sad.
No one notices that I've been sad because of my break, except my best friend who tried to made me feel better. I feel so alone in my new class, because my real friends are in another one, and the others friends of our group don't really care about me. If I'm with them, right, if I'm not, they don't notice. I prefer to be alone rather than with them.
I talked about my feelings with my ex girlfriend two times. I explained to her how I felt and I told her that I'm sorry for being distant and for not really talk with her. Now the situation is better between us and we are close almost as before but not as I would want and it misses me.

But my feelings are the same: I still love her, I don't like being with my friends and they don't care about me, my best friend... well, I don't know if we are now because we haven't talk together from a long time, I don't like my class, I'm stressed by school because I don't like my new courses, I'm worried about the future, I feel like I'm going crazy if I think too much about all these things. Sometimes I feel like I'm not normal. I feel like... I should not be depressive for so few things. I mean, no one in my family is dead, my parents are not divorced... I think I'm too sensitive for this world. I'm always the one who loves more, I'm the one who cares about the others but with no return.

I think, with my girlfriend, all these feelings were already inside me, but in deeper. With her, I felt protected and like I was in a comfortable bubble. But now the bubble is gone and all my feelings surface.
I want to say all these things to her, I want to talk about my feelings with her, I want to talk about my depression with her. But I don't know how. It's hard to talk about that, because I don't want she worries all the time about me. I don't know if she wants to know that, I don't know if she really wants to care. Maybe she will, but I don't want to be a coal nut for her. Because it's hard to know somebody who we are close is depressed and to keep this secret.

This is how I feel right now. I want to talk but I can't.
I'm sorry for this long message but I think and hope it can help to understand me.

[Frame]

The more time passed and the more I thought of her. She became the only one I want to see everyday, and the only one I thought about all the time.

Hi Dark; I hope you don't feel offended. I don't mean to affront you, but there is a difference being Smitten and Loving someone. There is a difference between wanting to support, learn about, walk beside someone, and wanting to escape into someone.

I'm not trying to say either feeling is wrong. It's just important to be aware of which is happening because they have two very distinct outcomes. When anything becomes a persons sole obsession, then that person is seeking to ignore the rest of the world ['...the only one I thought about all the time']. That's not healthy for the person, the object of the obsession, or for any kind of relationship. I know, I know, it sometimes ends well in movies, but in real life, not without therapy. Please understand; no one here knows you. Your safe. My aim is not to embarrass you. But the growth of your relationship depends on you treating her like a person and not an obsession. And you have taken the first steps. That's wonderful. It sound like you have spoken to both your friend and her in calm conversation; achieved some resolution.

It's important to keep these relationships in perspective and continue to work toward an awareness of the issues underlying your depression, if that what it is. And posting here is also a great start.

I hope you find these thoughts are positive.
That's the way they were meant;
Frame

[BloodyDarkDay]

Hi Frame,

I understand what you say and I feel not offended (maybe just a little but I have a tendency to set all things quite more badly than usually so, don't worry about that).

I think my ex girlfriend was not and is not an obsession. When I was with her, we were not only together, I mean, we were also with our friends. I just needed to see her and to know she loved me to feel good. I felt good with my friend, even when she was not with us. I thought of her very much before to be with her because I wondered if she felt the same thing for me.
When I felt in love with her and she didn't know, I talked to my best friend about how I felt.

Now, our relationship is over and I understand that. I know she will never loves me again even if I'm always love her. I see her like a friend now, a really good friend, but not as my girlfriend.
I think the fact that she broke up with me makes me very sad, and all the problems that I have before surface because I have not her in mind for think about other things. Because I was with her, because she loved me, the problems seemed to me less important and I felt less stress by them. I felt like in a bubble because she made me feel better because I knew she loved me. I knew that I mattered so much for somebody. She was my really first love (she was my second relationship) and I loved her very much and knew that she loved back was a really great feeling.

I think a big part of my actual sadness is caused by the break, because I want to continue to tell her everything, but I don't really know if she cares or wants to know this very important thing about me.