Please Help

[Courtneyoliver22]

Hello,
I have been depressed for a while. It really got worse for me when my cousin committed suicide. I do not know what to do anymore, I am in therapy but nothing seems to be helping. I am always having dark thoughts . I have never acted on them. I do not know what to do anymore. I feel as though I am sinking into a dark hole.
Help

[Frame]

Hi Courtneyoliver22;
Welcome.

What you do is going to determine to a great extent how you feel, especially with this grief you have for your cousin. What kind of rituals do you have? What habits, good or bad, are getting you through the day. Please tell us more about your life. I have a list of things (actions and habits) that I think are essential to reverse the slide. I can share them if you like, but I need to go for now.

Frame

[hollyann]

Hi. I know you said you've tried therapy, but have you tried grief counseling? Have you tried support groups in your area that deal with loss? If you feel like you aren't making progress and you've been at it a while, you might want to look into a different therapist. Sometimes therapists have different approaches and can get different results. Are you on medication?

hollyann

[Frame]

I agree with Hollyann; I think there is a best fit with therapists and patient. One size does not fit all and more often than not you have to try a few out. Don't give up. Doctors have different interests and may have more or less knowledge and skill in your particular area of struggle.

[4EverMe]

True. When I was in counseling, it took meeting more than one before I found the perfect fit.
It's helpful to find a counselor who's not so 'clinical.' The counselor I wound up with talked to me like she truly cared about me as a human being. She had been through a lot herself, and possessed a heart of empathy and compassion.
Shop around if you can. You have the right to say that you'd like to try a different counselor.
Wishing you the best! And TRULY, I'm very sorry about your cousin.
I really hope you find a place of healing, and inner peace. As long as you're breathing, there's hope. (even when it doesn't feel like it)

[no_answer]

Although you are suffering, your dark thoughts are NOT going to lead you to dark actions, because you have seen what dark actions do to others from your cousin's unfortunate example. Ask not why he/she did what he/she did (it is always for some reason perfectly valid for them at the time), but why is it affecting you the way it does.
I always do, because I've been in your shoes. The darkness will never end, but it will become more and more interspersed with light as the time goes on. It did for me.
Meanwhile, I really feel your pain, even sharing it to some extent making its weight a little bit lighter on you I hope. We are both in the dark hole, but I discovered that you can float there indefinitely catching a blissful moment from time to time. It will happen sooner than you think. Just don't miss it.

[Courtneyoliver22]

I have been going to group therapy , I feel as though I have really clicked with m therapist. I feel as though I should be getting better and not being sad all the time since I am getting help. I have come up with a safety plan to keep me safe if my thoughts every got really bad. But I am afraid that my mom will be bad if I do need more help. My mom and I are really close. I do not want to disappoint her or others. I do not want to seam weak. Its so hard to have this mask on around people that tells people I am fine. I am just so tired.

[Frame]

I'm very glad your sharing these thoughts Courtney.
And if letting down the mask here helps carry that load, please don't hesitate.

Sometimes things happen; you've been taking care of people, supporting them, carrying them sometimes, and you do it gladly. You love them, you're committed, it's part of you, even if it doesn't always seem fair but it always seems right; and then the world turns and the load gets much heavier.

I think everyone will tell you (I certainly will) that, even if some of the load gets shifted to others for a while, your priority continues to be taking care of you first. You will not be able to take care of others if you don't take care of yourself. The face of the mask may change. You and everyone around you can and will adapt. Change is the only thing we can really rely on. You may find your mother begins to see at a mask of greater maturity. That may be OK. You may find different strengths in acknowledging weakness. From what little I read about you, these trials are creating a more (not less) worthy you.