30-something and the depression is finally winning

[Brie]

Hi kindred spirits,

I'm a female in my late 30s and I believe I have had at least 3 episodes of severe major depression plus persistent low grade depression for years. Let me put it this way, I can count on one hand the moments when I have not felt the burden of depression either lurking over my shoulder or actually sucking the life out of me.

I used to be what is called 'highly functioning', even with depression. Well, that doesn't last forever and the depression has finally started to unravel my professional life, where I have been most successful at overcoming depression in the past. I'm all out of gas there and depression is taking over. I'm also in the best relationship of my life and depression has infected that relationship to the point where I am afraid it cannot be salvaged.

I feel like I am losing everything and I'm scared. I'm so discouraged that a promising career and a promising relationship just can't seem to survive my depression. As I get older, the depression and its impact seem to be getting worse, not better. I am finally admitting that. It is terrifying.

So I'm here.

If you can relate to anything I just wrote, then know I can probably relate to your struggle, as well. It is good to be understood.

[App]

Hi Brie;
So much of what you say rings true. There's a feeling of true helplessness & inability to tackle anything which, in turn, leads to absolute fear of the unknown. I know I'm new here but I really hope that some folk on the forums are able to get in touch with us both. I feel that can only help.
BW: App.

[Frame]

Hi Brie;

I've only been posting here for a couple months; feeling desperate for a few years; diagnosed Bipolar II almost ten years now; but, never fit in. So if I were doing a statistical study of the changes in people talking about depression, it would be a pretty worthless study. But, that said, I feel like the number of people with lives genuinely unraveling seems to be on the rise, people like me.

I'm reading a book called "Engineering Happiness", that has a number of rules about happiness. One is, happiness is equal to reality minus expectations; and for a very large portion of humanity our expectations have been way over pomised by capitalist society. Reality is not meeting our expectations. I know that's not a feel good message, but I have a point. Depression is a normal life response and it's important (I think) to go deeper than treating symptoms. I think that, to stem depressions tide, we may have to figure out how to adjust our expectations even as we are surrounded with messages counter to producing well being.

[Frame]

That being said, I think Silentwaters has an excellent set of suggetions in her post from Aug8th. And there are some really good posts collected from Nenkohai and jj on July 13th. As well, I think jj's posts on gratitude is a great place to contribute.

[saragupta]

Hello brie
first of all a very warm welcome to this forum.
Here, u will never find urself lonely.

I am Sara, 26 female. I am from India and i am a medical student.
Brie, while reading ur post, i felt like my insider is speaking to me. It's because i have good through, not exactly but almost the same things as u are!

U said depression is slowly ruining ur professional life and personal relationships as well. And the special thing in ur post is that u have excelled in ur same job in past and u know that this relationship u r in is the best one in ur life.

Brie, u know Wat it means! It means u just need to fight with ur own self...to combat these negative feelings! U are very lucky that u r having these 2 things in ur life. I mean Wat else a person can dream of, a lovable job and love of ur life.
But to save these u will have to do real hardwork. Sit calmly alone and try to figure out Wat is the deepest reason behind all this. Take help from ur beloved one. I know i am not suggesting anything new! U already myt have done the same exact thing like 100 times already. But brie, we will have to do it harder.
I am saying this because i tried this way, but dint do it harder! I was like...how shld i use the word to describe it...i ws like as if depression had hypnotized me and was stopping me to put efforts to save Wat i had. There was no one to guide me the right path.
And i lost a few people and trust on others which i used to treasure the most.
So i don't want YOU to feel the same way after a few years!

We all the forum people are always there to guide u though!

Keep posting. We will try to raise each other's spirits towards the positively.

[saragupta]

U also said that u have defeated the depression once in past. And then u did very well in ur job. That time it was u brie, who did that...so why can't u do the same thing again. All u need is Will power. Will to reach that same point of passion again.
I don't know if i am Ryt or wrong but i think it's like a Balance _/|\_ one side having willingness and passion and other side having depression. So we all need to raise weight of our hopes willingness with passion so that we could lower down weight of the depression.
I know i am sounding filmy and not practical. But let us try to motivate each other with empathy and sympathy. At least try.
Brie, if u have found anything annoying or wrong in my posts, feel free to point out. On this forum i ve noticed that people here, never please the other one just to make him or her feel good about her/himself. They always let u know when they found ur post uplifting and when they found it wrong in any way. That's the beauty of this forum. Everyone is soo true to u!