Boyfriends depression

[Graciesmama]

My boyfriend has a lot of baggage from his divorce and would occasionally fall into a little bit of a depression. Four years ago he was diagnosed with and almost died from cancer. He ignored the symptoms until the cancer had progressed to it's 3rd and final stage. He was losing 10 lbs a week. His bones were disintegrating and he had lost all muscle tone. He spent a year going through treatments including a stem cell transplant. Occasionally he would talk about killing himself because he would never recover from this. I tried to talk to his doctors about his depression but their response was that "He has a reason to be depressed". They didn't want to heart that he had some problems before and dealing with the cancer made his emotional state worse. During one of his month long stays in the hospital one of his doctors noticed his depression and prescribed him Zoloft. By the grace of God he has been cancer free for 3 years. He worked hard rebuilding his muscles. His back will never be the same and he will always have to wear a back brace and will always be taking pain medication. I was so proud of him for how hard he fought and how hard he worked to recover. He was proud of himself. He would always be showing off his muscles and doing things that he shouldn't have been doing just to prove he could.

Gradually over the last year his depression has gotten worse. He sleeps all day and all night. It used to be 2 or 3 days a week and then he would get up and do things sometimes wearing himself out. Now he sleeps 5 sometimes 6 days a week. On his one good day he doesn't accomplish much of anything but eating continuously and sitting outside staring off into the distance. If I try to get him out of bed he yells at me, calls me names, tells me he hates me, etc. I have begged him to go to another doctor about this and go to therapy, but he says there is nothing wrong with him but me. There is always a reason it's my fault. I didn't do enough for him. I wasn't nice enough to him. I didn't get enough done around the house. There is always some reason that it's my fault that he doesn't want to get out of bed. When he does get out of bed he walks around asking me why I didn't do this or that. Why was that left there. How come I didn't do....what ever. He doesn't talk to me, he just complains. He says he is not complaining, he's explaining. I tell him that he has turned into a miserable old man, he is only 48. Granted, my divorce was amicable, my children speak to me and I have never had cancer. Years ago I did go through a couple of years with depression and anxiety issues but when I realized that I wasn't right I forced myself to go to the doctor and get counseling, so no, I guess that I cannot understand how he cannot see that there is something wrong with him.

I've tried talking to his doctors but they don't take me seriously. When he goes to the doctor he always puts on a happy face. The doctor actually told him that he doesn't feel he has depression problems and that he doesn't need to take his medication if he doesn't want to. Since then he stopped taking the Zoloft regularly. He says he doesn't need it. When I try to get him involved in doing something he says that he has cancer and is disabled so he doesn't have to do anything.

He seems to have just given up. All the muscles that he worked so hard to build back up are just about gone. He has no ambition, no desires and no dreams other then to take his camper trailer and permanently travel around the country, which we did go away for 3 months and just recently came home. I feel that he is just trying to run away from his problems and running away is not going to solve anything.

I don't know what to do any more. I am beginning to just give up. The last couple of days I have cried so many times because I need his help doing some things and he just doesn't care. He just lays in bed. I feel so lost and alone almost like I am grieving. I guess in a way I am grieving for the life we had and the one we could have.

Maybe I just need someone to talk to who understands what we are going through. Does anyone understand? Does anyone have any advice? Please

[Alaska1958]

Hi there,

Your boyfriend does sound depressed and I'm not sure if I can help, but I can certainly understand. I'm going through a divorce now myself. There are real issues I have with my soon to be ex, but I wouldn't even try to blame her for my depression. I was depressed 18 years ago when I met her, depressed while we were married and very depressed now. Fortunately I'm close with my boys, they are my life preservers.

If your boyfriend refuses to see he has a problem it's going to be hard getting him any help. Someone else here might have some more helpful advice. Spending much of his time sleeping and not doing anything the rest of the time certainly can be a sign of depression as is the apathy and lethargy you describe.

[emmygirlie]

Hi - I'm not really qualified, but I can tell you from my current state, I have found myself pushing my husband away and just constantly questioning him because I feel like a burden to him. Its a cross between a test and a "I don't deserve you, I hate you go away".

Maybe try telling him you're not going anywhere? That helped me.