My Story

[JJ&S]

Hi everyone. I'll try to tell my story as short as I can....... I was diagnosed with depression about 14 years ago (was divorced and a single mom of a 2 year old at the time). I was able to deal with it until around 7 years ago. I used to be very close to my father (parents divorced 14 years ago), he suffers from depression also. I was his "support" for 10 years. After the 10 years he tried to commit suicide 4 times in a couple of years, became a very mean man, treated me and my siblings very badly, etc. I ended up having to stop having contact with him to keep myself somewhat sane. This is when things really started to go downhill for me. I went 12 years without speaking to my mother and haven't been very close to my siblings. I started speaking to my mother again in the last 2 years and am beginning to remember why I stopped talking to her (very critical, etc.) and she has no idea how to talk to a depressed person. I have been off work for the last 5 years due to my depression. I have tried probably every medication/mix of meds out there, have seen many very good doctors, have had RTMS treatments twice and nothing seems to be helping. I have seen my psychologist every other week for 7 years now (who I love). In the past 6 months there have been a lot of stresses in my life...financial, relationship, problems with my son's father......pretty much anything you can think of. Needless to say I'm very depressed, angry with everyone and have no idea how to get myself out of this. I feel that there really is no way out of this depression and feel very alone in all of this. My family is no help, really good friends I have had for years seem to only contact me when they want something, and with the problems in my relationship I don't even have him anymore (lied to me about debt he had accrued over years (ALOT)......which then brought other issues in our relationship over the years to the forefront too). He wants to try and work things out, but I can't seem to forgive him and get passed the issues we've had in the past. So that is my wonderful story............ I just don't know how to make it through all this, I'm not suicidal but I just can't stand the thought of living life feeling this way.

[Frame]

Well, JJ&S, I think posting hear may be the beginning of perhaps some relief. I'm not saying answers necessarily; but you will certainly find empathy. And it really helps me to post freely what won't fit any where else in my life. I also find it helpful to respond, like now.

Welcome and Thank you.

[4EverMe]

Hello JJ&S,
I appreciate the time you took (and inner-exhaustion) in posting your story! It's obvious you're under a lot of stress. Please know that people are listening to you.

Truly, I can relate to issues of of family dysfunction. My parents divorce when I was around 7. My mom remarried to a man she is stil currently with. My depression began in my early teens. Regarding your post, am I correct in assuming that your depression began at the onset of your parent's divorce? I know what it feels like; Parents divorce. You're suddenly given a strange new role in an entirely different play called 'life.' As time passes, people you were once so close to become distant/cold/unfamiliar. It feels as though your heart is bleeding out...How did we all go so wrong?! Where is the love that used to be my lifeline? How did we all far apart?! At times, you're feeling so hurt, it's like you're standing outside of your body, viewing all the fragments that are now the present? And then being divorced yourself? Cont...

[4EverMe]

In confusion and pain, the story only continues. Too much to even write?!! So, you hope someone will hear and understand a mere summary of your life? It really hurts. My ex ran up debt too, without me even knowing it until later. And as with you, the lies began to surface. You're angry, torn and confused.The relationship you were living? You wonder, in hindsight, how you could've missed each betrayal? But your love for him remains. Enough toTRY and forgive! You recall those vows..."For better or for worse"...You want to stand by him, but from the core of your being, you're afraid to trust? Do you feel this is JUST ONE of the major heartaches that fragment your life? Dealing with abandonment? By those you NEVER dreamt would hurt you?!!

Thank God you're here talking about it! I can relate to much of what you wrote. Of course, my story's isn't exact to yours! But am I right to assume there's much more? My heart goes out to you!