Hello

[meselfi]

Hello,

I am not sure what to expect from this. I do not let people I know know when I am depressed. It seems so pathetic, talking about it has always left me feeling worse, like a judgement has been passed that I can never reverse.

I have a wife, I have children, I have a lot to be happy about. But I am a failure. I am cruel and manipulative. I am angry. I am not stupid, weak or unattractive though. I mask my depression with (dark) humor and when that cannot work I lash out with anger.

So there it is, I am not a cuddly weepy depressed person, I am the self loathing antisocial control freak kind.

My whole family is rife with expressed and unexpressed depression.

My parents never received treatment, but all my siblings have.

My father almost never spoke during my childhood and my mother cried every night (to me) and I let it go on until I was 13. I found ways to avoid her after that.

So here I am warts and all.

[Tressa716]

Anger was one of the first symptom I had when I truly discovered I had depression. Not only will your family come to resent you, but you will just loathe yourself more. You have admitted it runs strongly in your family and your sibs have all sought treatment. Control yourself more, others less, get on some meds. Lamictal is good for stabilization of moods.
This is not a judgement. I have my own demons. I just know a lot about depression. And I know that knowing isn't the same being able to fix it. But I know if it weren't for the meds life would be much, much worse.
I hope this helps.
Tressa

[hollyann]

Hi welcome to the forum. It can be hard when you are forced to be the grown up and the parent the kid. In the case of your mom crying to you. Have you sought out therapy for your anger? Or looked up ways online to manage your anger?

hollyann