Putting it out there in hopes someone may assist

[angal827]

I am in my 40's and have suffered most my life with what Dr's have considered 'circumstantial depression'. Not quite sure what that means? Depression has always run in my family. My Mum is bipolar and my Dad had been depressed all his life. I am very much like him.

Recent events have set me on a real downfall. I am on STD (short term disability) with work, which you think would help matters but the insurance company is more of a hindrance than a help. The guilt of not being at work and letting people down doesn't help (I have been with the same company for 24 years) and have never had time off. Except for the 'circumstantial depressed' days that I'd called in for as a sick day, which was actually a mental health day off.

In point form. My Aunt, my only family confidant and more of a Mum to me than my own Mother, died of terminal cancer in Sept. My Dad (her brother) committed suicide in Oct. On return from his funeral (he lived in UK and I live in Canada), my Mum was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.

My father committed incest with my sister and I as children up to the age of 12. I had a talk with him two weeks before he ended his life about it and forgave him for the second time. It was a positive conversation or so I thought, but now I am wondering if the conversation may have contributed to his decision.

Needless to say I have not yet mourned my Aunt or my Father's death as I'm now dealing with my Mum's situation. On top of being on STD I am her caregiver and try to keep strong for my family (I'm married with a 13 year old daughter). I have no other family members to help other than my sister (we take turns looking after to Mum, one week on, one week off).

The downward spiral for me has finally come to a head and I am non stop crying, have insomnia, can't get out of bed during the day as I'm exhausted and do not want to face the day. I only get up to get my daughter to school then go back to bed. I am guilt ridden and try to muster the energy to get some housework done for when my husband comes home from work. I do not go out and have been invited to many events but have declined.

My medications aren't working, yet. My GP is trying to sort them out. Plus there's an 8 to 10 month waiting list for a psychiatrist. I do go to counselling thru my works "Employee Assistance Program". Which I'm grateful for but she's only there to help to direct me to the more experienced counsellor for my specific needs.

I'm reaching out is because I believe a lot of the blame of this is guilt by not wanting to deal with all that's going on. Whether it's life in general or the circumstances that have lead me here.

Sorry so long winded but I thought it would help to lay everything out on the table. Thanks for reading (listening). I feel I'm letting everyone down; family, work and friends.

Nag

[hollyann]

Hi Nag, welcome to the forum. Circumstantial depression means its brought on by your situation rather than chemical I do believe. (You can and probably should ask your doctor to verify this).

You shouldn't feel guilty for being on STD. Or even feeling the way you do. Its natural to feel this way with everything youve been through. And you are seeking help. You didnt ask for this but you are trying to do something positive about it. Remember you didn't get like this over night, it takes longer than that to get better.

I'm sorry about what your dad did to you. My father didn't kill himself but he did do what yours did. My heart truly goes out for you because I know what kind of impact that can have on someone even if you eventually forgive. Please know his suicide is not your fault. Just like you, he had an option to get help for the way he was feeling, he choose not to.

I'm so sorry about all of your losses. Have you thought about trying grief counseling? Looking into your area and seeing if there is a bereavement group in your area? They can really help to deal with the things you are feeling and to give you some positive support.

If you haven't already been put on the waiting list, I'd still get put on it though its so far out, its better to start now then later and have it even longer. Personally I have bipolar, so I've found GPs really werent the best way to go when I try to get straight on meds. Are you in the US? Sometimes if you call a crisis line they can get you referal to some place and it can speed up the process. Also you can ask a psych office to put you down incase there are any cancellations.

As long as you are doing your best to get help you aren't letting anyone down. They just want you well.

hollyann

[angal827]

Thank you Hollyann for yor speedy response. I really appreciate it. I live in Canada and it's my GP that has referred me to a psychiatrist. That's how it works here. You have to be referred. I have spoken to my Mum's Pscyh. receptionist as she knows my Mum's cancer diagnosis and said she would look in to speeding up the process. That's as far as I've got to date. My counsellor is determining the type of 'therapy I require'. Right now we're focusing on the 'living family members, that being my Mum and how she did not protect my sister and I from what my Dad did. She was aware and chose to look the other way. She's very simple minded and narcissistic.

I'm sorry to hear that you went through a similar thing with your Father. I thought I had dealt with all my 'issues' with him and I hate to say this but I longed for the day he would pass on. Thinking it would help me heal. That's quite obviously, had the opposite affect.

Thank you again,

Angie

[sbw]

I'm so sorry to hear about all you are dealing with. I agree that getting counseling is a great help. It helps to have as many people to talk to that you can that can appropriately address, understand and support you with what you are dealing with. With all that you have on your plate, I don't think you are letting anyone down. It's very understandable to take time off of work, and you ARE there for your family. No one is perfect, and you are doing well to be able to provide what you are able to provide for your family. I don't think you need to feel any guilt or blame. You haven't done anything wrong. I understand about the GP and meds. They aren't always so good with that. You might try another one or go back to the one you have and tell them very matter of fact like what your symptoms are and how you need relief. Medicine makes a world of difference, in either direction. It can help, or make it worse, sometimes, but it is very important as it helps the chemicals in your brain get back on track. hang in there, you are doing the right thing to reach out.

[angal827]

sbw, Thank you for your support and I appreciate your reply. I have found it IS healthy to reach out to others but to my own dismay in talking to other females about my past I find out they have been through similar situations.. It's almost like an epidemic! Which is NOT comforting. My counsellor on my 1st visit pointed out that her 1st two patients on the same day of my appt with her, were victims of sexual abuse.

My closest friends know of my situation and have been very supportive. I have told at least 12 female friends, over many years, and many walks of life, of the situation and when I confided in them I have unfortunately found out that 10 of them have experienced similar sexual abuse (not necessarilly a family member).
I have just only this week had the courage to confide in my neighbour, a recently close friend and she told me in the strictest of confidence that the same happened to her and has not spoken a word of it to anyone until I mentioned my story. She is married with 2 children and none of them know.

What discourages me is the number of women that have been sexually abused. You would hope that opening up to others that it would help, but the more I do, the more hurt I feel (not necessarily my own hurt, but I bring on theirs). I feel this is contributing to my downhill. As mentioned to me it's a great strength for to open up and try to heal, but in the same token, it's also very upsetting to know how common sexual abuse is. A vicious circle if you ask me! Would anyone agree or help me to feel more positive towards men (I guess)? I know they're not all bad, I'm married to a wonderful man, but he does not understand this side of me. I'm very discouraged.

Thanks for listening,

Angie

[sbw]

Hey, I have to say I too am a victim of sexual abuse. I have ptsd from it, or I did, now I have anxiety and depression that seems to be lingering. Abused as a teenager, 3 months. Didn't tell anyone for 4 years. On another note, I know how you feel about how reaching out can almost make you feel worse. I felt worse after being on there the other night. Maybe, when you are struggling with depression, and feeling hopeless, the problems around you don't help. They give you less hope. You know? It seems like humanity is so bad sometimes, but really, there are so many great people out there, just have to remember. There is a good side and a bad side, at times, being human can be such an amazingly beautiful experience, at other times, ouch, it's hard and there is much suffering. Looking for the beauty is always good. Knowing you aren't alone is good and bad, i know what you mean. At his time in your life, I think you need to find what gives you hope. People that care, people that you can trust, your kids. You know? Rainbows? anything. Sunshine? Grab any hope you can. Hopelessness sucks. I also take in the feelings of others, I'm very sensitive to how others feel, my counselor actually told me it's not a good idea for me to do a depression forum or in person group. But here I am. Helping others helps me too. If I can help, I'm so happy. There is a problem worldwide with how woman are treated, but there are great great men out there, beautiful people, men can be. Not all bad, no way, for sure. Hope you are having a good day. i'm hanging in there today. meditation is helping me, Did some yoga also. Calming my mind, very important. Take care, talk soon

[angal827]

sbw,

Ironically I have used the 'tools' you've mentioned in the past. I need to put time aside for myself as I am my Mum's caregiver also, throughout all this. It's helping to keep me busy and a reason to get out of bed and good to know someone needs me (& of cousrse my daughter), but I am drained physically/mentally, to use these 'tools'. Any spare time I get I will play on the computer to keep my mind off things or come on here (like now). I make excuses daily and I know it. I have a friend who has just invited me to yoga, but I'm making excuses in my head because I'm anxious around crowds and here's another excuse, I'm so out of shape.
Gotta run... I will write more later or if PM works better let me know. Thank you again for your support. It is helping believe it or not from what I've wrote. Sometimes 'voicing' something might get me to put the positives in to play.

Ang

[sbw]

I know what you mean about feeling drained. I quit doing things that helped me, I didn't feel up to it. And making myself do something seems wrong somehow. But once I got back on it, journaling meditating, exercising, I am beating the feelings of depression off. But you will get there when you are ready. It will be there for you, and you will heal. You've been through a lot, whatever you need to do to be good yourself, do, you deserve, a bath? sitting in the sun? Reading, anything. hang in there. I'm more available in the evenings. I teach and I go back to work tomorrow. Had spring break, kind of bummed that I was depressed the whole time, but the past is in the past, today is the day to make the most of your life you can, and tomorrow, hope. So, not worrying about spring break. At least i had a break!!!!! Take care!